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Emotional Health Expert
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Nov 11, 2011, 06:43 AM
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Sometimes there is a difference between work friends, and other friends. I have found, with few exceptions, that any work, or work related friends, are friendly, but not necessarily by choice- you can't pick the people you work with.
Some work friendships last outside of work, some (maybe most), don't, when the job ends.
Friendships outside of work that develop through choice, mutual interests, shared friends, etc. are more likely to be longer lasting. Plus there is a much larger opportunity, or selection (for lack of a better word) outside of the confines of the workplace.
That distinction being made, doesn't mean that good friendships that started at work, can't last a lifetime, or that social friends, don't last. But, generally speaking, it's probably a good idea to realize that there is a difference between the two.
I would be more cautious if I were you, of work friends, or ex work friends, that ask for favours, and nothing more, which is what happened to you. Learn to spot when they are contacting you without needing something, as opposed to calling with an expected agenda, or result. Test it. Say you are busy, but how about a movie Friday night. They probably won't call back if they are users.
If they are asking of you, what you would never ask of them, consider that the only 'friendship' needs, are theirs. They need you, you don't need them for anything.
Some people are very slick, and have well established motives, even before they 'get to know you'. If they see you as an easy target, that will be played upon. Little favours, sad stories of woe, 'needing' someone to talk to about a problem, etc. are all red flags- especially in the work place. When you give, and they take, it will eventually, as it has with you, become obvious that you are being used. Lesson learned.
Give less, and expect more. Assume that someone you've come to know may not be good friendship material. What you 'give' to them, do for them, or provide for them, shouldn't be the bond of friendship that keeps it going. There is no give and take, boundaries are ignored, and you end up being, used up.
Be more careful to observe people with a critical eye, instead of assuming they are honourable people who truly like you as a person, not a target. Set your own standard as to who you would consider to be a friend, and who you wouldn't want to be friends with. Observe them, think about what they ask of you, and learn to say, simply, no.
They will move on to the next victim quickly enough if you are a little more careful.
And as know, without your permission, and willingness to participate, you will continue to be used. It is up to you to define who you allow into your life as a friend, and who you don't.
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