[notjulia23]

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately and I've come to a realization that all the friends I've ever had besides one or two wind up using me. It doesn't always start that way but it ends like that.

A good example would be a girl I met at my old job... I'll call her Jamie. Jamie and I hung out frequently and had a lot in common. We had fun together then when I quit, we started hanging out little less which I expected but the times I saw her became less and less. Finally it got to the point where she wouldn't have a ride home form work so she'd ask me to pick her up to "hang out" and within an hour there was some urgent reason she had to go home (I believed her the first few time but eventually I realized she didn't really want to hang out she just wanted a ride).

Now I only hear from her when her boy friends and her are fighting or if she wants something. She just turned 21 and I told her I'd be the sober driver... she ignored me and never answered. Then the next day she sent me a text saying if I wanted to give her a present I could give her 20 bucks (she wanted a bag of weed to help her hangover from the party I wasn't invited to).

She isn't the only friend this has happened with and I don't get it. We start as GREAT friends then slowly they become users. I just don't understand why or if it may be something I'm doing wrong. Help

[talaniman]

The only thing you are doing wrong is expect these friends to be great friends, and giving into their wishes, or requests. Learn to say "NO, can't", or "I'm broke/busy".

Great friends are few in ones lifetime, and these folks are just ordinary friends who know you are overly nice. Don't be so available to this kinds of people.

[mmresd]

Because you allow them to. Whenever you do something, make sure that what you are doing it is because it is something you want to do, is OK to help friends, but not whenever that friend is not really a friend and the person is just using you. You are going to have to think before you do things, you are letting this go on.

[Jake2008]

Sometimes there is a difference between work friends, and other friends. I have found, with few exceptions, that any work, or work related friends, are friendly, but not necessarily by choice- you can't pick the people you work with.

Some work friendships last outside of work, some (maybe most), don't, when the job ends.

Friendships outside of work that develop through choice, mutual interests, shared friends, etc. are more likely to be longer lasting. Plus there is a much larger opportunity, or selection (for lack of a better word) outside of the confines of the workplace.

That distinction being made, doesn't mean that good friendships that started at work, can't last a lifetime, or that social friends, don't last. But, generally speaking, it's probably a good idea to realize that there is a difference between the two.

I would be more cautious if I were you, of work friends, or ex work friends, that ask for favours, and nothing more, which is what happened to you. Learn to spot when they are contacting you without needing something, as opposed to calling with an expected agenda, or result. Test it. Say you are busy, but how about a movie Friday night. They probably won't call back if they are users.

If they are asking of you, what you would never ask of them, consider that the only 'friendship' needs, are theirs. They need you, you don't need them for anything.

Some people are very slick, and have well established motives, even before they 'get to know you'. If they see you as an easy target, that will be played upon. Little favours, sad stories of woe, 'needing' someone to talk to about a problem, etc. are all red flags- especially in the work place. When you give, and they take, it will eventually, as it has with you, become obvious that you are being used. Lesson learned.

Give less, and expect more. Assume that someone you've come to know may not be good friendship material. What you 'give' to them, do for them, or provide for them, shouldn't be the bond of friendship that keeps it going. There is no give and take, boundaries are ignored, and you end up being, used up.

Be more careful to observe people with a critical eye, instead of assuming they are honourable people who truly like you as a person, not a target. Set your own standard as to who you would consider to be a friend, and who you wouldn't want to be friends with. Observe them, think about what they ask of you, and learn to say, simply, no.

They will move on to the next victim quickly enough if you are a little more careful.

And as know, without your permission, and willingness to participate, you will continue to be used. It is up to you to define who you allow into your life as a friend, and who you don't.

[vanheart]

Once you get crapped on a few times, you start to know who your real friends are.

Sometimes we forget. Who & what's important. Sometimes friends are where you least expect. Or forgot.

With my friends, we don't even go there. We already know. There's no professing.

Its already written.