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amyrebecca93 · Nov 10, 2011, 12:53 AM

My boyfriend (21) and I (18) only see each other every weekend. Last weekend he was away in Kent for a party and he's only just told me that he cheated on me. He apparently groped her 'down there' and wanted to have sex with her but his friends stopped him. I forgave him because I love him very much, and he says he loves me and is going to try harder. I don't want to break up with him but I keep getting a voice in my head saying that I've made a mistake. Have I?

How to convince him everything's ok?

Now the problem is that he thinks he doesn't deserve me and he's really beating himself up about it. I'm seeing him tomorrow and I think things are going to be really awkward between us. I don't think he wants to have sex with me again because he feels guilty. What do I do to help him get over this?

mmresd · Nov 10, 2011, 12:47 PM

You give him space. Congratulations on forgiving such a thing, it doesn't happen often. All you can do is let him grieve for the mistake he has made and hope that he can forgive HIMSELF, if he can't then unfortunately he will not be able to properly move on in this relationship. You did your part, is his turn to do his and come around to his senses on his own.

talaniman · Nov 10, 2011, 05:06 PM

The voice in your head is your disappointments, and doubts that it will happen again, because you can forgive, but not forget.

And you better tell him to forgive himself, and do better, and he better not pull this kind of crap again. Hopefully his shame will keep him on the straight and narrow, yet its too soon to reward his crappy behavior with sex. Make sure he knows he better cut the guilt and at least make you think he is sincere, and your not just wasting a forgiving heart.

Honesty goes along way.

DoulaLC · Nov 10, 2011, 05:54 PM

Why are you trying to help him get over it when he should be the one wanting to rebuild your trust in the relationship? Do not succumb to his making you feel sorry for him because he messed up and now feels he doesn't deserve you. And be careful that you are not sweeping this under the rug because you don't want to be on your own, or are afraid of breaking up with him.

Just what does "going to try harder" mean? He's going to try really hard not to grope anymore girls?

Listen to that little voice in your head. It's there for a reason.

As was said, give him some time, and space, to think about the consequences of his actions. Give yourself the space and time as well to think about what you want and don't want in a relationship.

Would it have been any different if his friends hadn't stopped him? After all, he has already admitted he was wanting to have sex with this girl. That should tell you right there that he is not ready to be in a committed relationship at this point.

Maybe he really would prefer to be single so that he can see different people but is afraid to say anything to you; in an odd way, he doesn't want to hurt you by breaking-up. This way, you can be the one to call it off because of his behaviour.

How long have you been in a relationship with him? Has there been any cause for concern previously?

If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt in that he will behave from now on, then certainly make sure the two of you discuss the situation, agree on what boundaries you are comfortable with, and decide how you are going to rebuild the trust and honesty in the relationship.