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mogrann · Nov 5, 2011, 03:19 PM

I know I can call the crisis line. I need to know that it is okay for me to ask for help. This is not just a plea for attention. God, I hate this, and I am so tired of fighting this demon.

Please, anyone, I am sinking.

Jake2008 · Nov 5, 2011, 03:21 PM

Of course you can ask questions, tell us your circumstances, ask for help and advice and guidance. Please let us know what's going on with you, and why- the best you can.

mogrann · Nov 5, 2011, 03:26 PM

Jake it is my BPD and other stresses. I am at a skills breakdown point. I have been fighting the urges for 2 weeks now (we track the intesnity on my diary card). I sent hubby out of house and am looking at the means to do it. I am wishy washy whether I will or not. Leaning more towards will. I am high emotional mind with a little wise mind(asking for help).
I know what I should do (call crisis line) but then keep going back to wasting others time you are not worth it etc.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jake2008 · Nov 5, 2011, 03:43 PM

When the emotional part of you takes over, and your charting indicates a pattern of high anxiety, what have you been instructed to do. You seem aware that there is a loss of enough rational thought and positive action to prevent this from becoming a catastrophic event.

I worry because you seem to have a plan, or method, and you've set your husband out of the house, to carry out this plan.

At this point I urge you to call your husband if he has a cell, to get himself home, and call the crisis line, or get to a hospital. From where you are now, without knowing too much, I am not sure if you can turn this around yourself. But it must be done in order to regroup, and get to a place where you are on an even keel.

You are in Calgary, and if I'm not mistaken, are there not emergency areas in hospitals there for those in crisis with mental health issues? What other resources do you have available to you. If you are unsure, or unable, call the crisis line and/or the hospital (or your husband can) and find the nearest hospital or clinic that can assist you.

You are NOT wasting anybody's time, although I understand why you would feel this way- at the moment. Please, please think this through, don't put too much thought into hiding anything. Get it out there to the crisis line, or hospital, or any other resource at your disposal, and deal with it.

If you want to talk here too, by all means do. Others will be here to help as well.

But we cannot offer immediate hands on assistance. Do you have family nearby? Friends? Please keep trying to get help now. I have to head out to work myself, but will check back on you when I'm home.

Please keep posting and let us know your progress.

mogrann · Nov 5, 2011, 03:52 PM

I am high emotional mind right now... I called he crisis line and told them it all.. I got the lecture about not thinking about others and being selfish. I just agreed to what they said to get off the freaking phone. Guess I just wasted their time and am not worth it. Why do I bother. Damn it all I try to get help and get disciplined for how I feel. Just want to scream and yell at the world.

Trying one other spot for help.. going to emergency

Wondergirl · Nov 5, 2011, 04:16 PM

I'm thinking of you, mogrann. Owen and I both need you in our lives. Keep us informed. I care. We all here care.

Jake2008 · Nov 5, 2011, 11:29 PM

Just checking in, and hoping that you had good success at the hospital.

Looking forward to hearing how things are going for you.

mogrann · Nov 6, 2011, 12:06 PM

The hospital helped a lot they helped to lessen my emotional mind level and then I was able to access skills. I have an appointment tomorrow with my therapist and will be talking to her about some of the suggestions they gave me. Much better support than the crisis line was. I am happy today that I reached out and continued reaching until the help I needed was there.

Wondergirl · Nov 6, 2011, 12:36 PM

I'm so glad, mogrann. I hope Owen is giving you lots of love.

mogrann · Nov 6, 2011, 02:50 PM

Yes he is. I am glad that I did not stop looking and stay with the guilty feelings from what the crisis line told me. I am glad that I stayed enough in wise mind to realize I had to keep asking. I really don't know what would have happened if I just stayed home last night... it does scare me to think of it.
I am not all better by far, but it is manageable now and my skills are there to help. That is the difference. There was no magical fix that changed everything. Tomorrow is looking for another job I can not do the job any longer. I have been saying that for too long and last night showed me I HAVE to get off my butt and look.
Thank you all for your support and words they all helped

Wondergirl · Nov 6, 2011, 02:55 PM

If I could hire you, I'd put you to work in the tech services department at the public library. You would cover books, create DVD, CD, and video game packages, and do copy cataloging (enter new book info into a computer). You wouldn't be dealing with tons of rude people, would be in a quiet place, and would have lots of important work to do as you wished to prioritize it.

mogrann · Nov 6, 2011, 03:33 PM

Sounds like fun... I actually do have an application for the Calgary Library I will be filling out as well as other places.

Wondergirl · Nov 6, 2011, 03:49 PM

Let me know how that goes and if I can help somehow. Libraries are cool!

Jake2008 · Nov 6, 2011, 08:38 PM

Wow! I am so happy to hear things have turned around, and are looking up in many different ways. Really good to hear too that you got the help you needed.

I don't know what your occupation is, but, it sure does sound like time for a change. All the best of luck with that.

Thanks for posting with the update.

martinizing2 · Nov 7, 2011, 01:03 AM

Hi Mogrann . I believe it's been almost two years since we first talked. Time does fly.

Not much I can add anyway after you have heard from Jake and WG who I suspect of being undercover angels .

But there will be times in all our lives we need to forget about everyone else and do what we need to do to survive. It is not only OK to ask for help ,I think it to be part of a plan from the highest of sources to showoff some of His finest creations , who are at their best when helping others and were put here for that purpose.

I believe there are those that are completed in this life when they have people to help. That's when they thrive and blossom and that is why it is always OK to ask for help at any time you even suspect you might need it.
By doing so you fulfill parts in the lives of those placed here to be there to help when needed.

mogrann · Nov 8, 2011, 07:53 AM

I did it! Last night I handed in my two weeks notice. A weight has been lifted and things are not as bleak. I am going to be going out today to look for work.

Jake2008 · Nov 8, 2011, 08:18 AM

Very good! Really awesome how you have turned this around 190 degrees!

All the best of luck in your search, keep us posted.