[palranju12]

Hi, My school friend and I had sex a month back and now she is pregnant. The mess is, she is already married and living with her husband and has one kid (2yrs).

I am unmarried and have a girl friend to whom I am planning to marry in a year.

I have severe headaches because of this news. My school friend wants this baby. I could not convince her for an abortion. What's my fate ? Please give me correct advice.

[palranju12]

We both are 24 now. I don't want neither her married life to be disturbed nor my life.
She is stubborn about the baby, and I am clueless about the consequences.
We both are south Indians.

[mmresd]

This is a toughy, however you have made your bed and is time to take responsibility for your actions. Don't be a coward and recommend an abortion. That is a kid's life you are talking about. You need to ask her what she plans to do, she might have to lie to her husband and not tell her the truth. However, as far as your fate goes... you have accomplished to break peace in two families, so karma will haunt you in the future, best of luck.

[talaniman]

Your fate is to deal with the consequences of your actions, and what everyone else thinks about you once they know that you cheated.

[palranju12]

I think, that's true. As far as the present state of mind for both of us, we both have decided to hide this truth ever, and bring up the kid as her own kid. And I proceed with my life. I have decided to join some meditation and yoga classes to over come this stressed state and lead a normal life back, as I am mentally affected and could not concentrate on work and family. I wish god has some soft corner for me, and I have decided to make things right, by living a disciplined and successful life henceforth. I am not going to forget her for sure, and neither she. This has happened out of love and she wants that baby for sure. I agreed and rest is in god's hand. Hope my rest of life goes without any problems bcos my biggest mistake in life.

[Wondergirl]

But that's not fair to the child, to sweep this under the rug, so to speak, and forget it ever happened. ***added*** If the child is yours,

You owe that child financial support and also medical information for the future.

[Cat1864]

Has her pregnancy been confirmed and has a doctor given her a due date and told her approximately how far along she is?

Is she still having sex with her husband? If she will lie to her husband and cheat on him, then she may not be telling you the truth.

I am finding the timing a bit interesting that you had sex with her a month ago and she already knows for certain she is pregnant and that you are without a doubt the father.

I think you need to back up and make certain that she isn't playing games with who the father is and more importantly that she is actually pregnant. Many symptoms of early pregnancy are the same for the flu and other diseases/disorders. Pregnancy is not the only reason for a woman to miss her period. Stress is one example.

Good luck getting your life on track.

[Fr_Chuck]

First of course I will assume she was also having sex with hubby, so the child may or may not be yours.

And "you are planning on marry" why, if you have so little respect and love and care for the person to cheat on them, why should you marry them. Lies have a way to come out, and this opens you up for all sort of levels of black mail latter.

If you want to marry the girl, be honest about your cheating and child, and take what ever happens.

The child has a right to know who the real father is, so I do not recommend hiding it, since what happens in 15 years when all of a sudden a blood tests proves it is not the husband, there is a lot more issues then.

[palranju12]

All right, let me get this straight. I am seriously doubtful if she is pregnant by me. Because she once said, she had sex with her husband. But she swears on god, that the kid is yours. And she is so stubborn that, she wants this kid.
And for those, who asked me if she is pregnant or not, Her pregnancy home tests are positive and she said her family doctor confirmed it. And her husband, mom and dad knows about her pregnancy. She somehow managed to make her husband and everyone believe that, the pregnancy is because of him.
I have not seen any test results, am just having all conversations in phone and my fear and stress is keep on increasing. Now she said, she did not have any sex after she identified her pregnancy.

This is truly an accident, I admit it is the biggest mistake, as it is my first time with a girl. I have never gone for intercourse before. But the girl that I am in love with for 4 years, trusts me a lot, I don't have even the slightest courage to say this to her, I am sure she will leave me, and I cannot say this to anyone else in this world. There are two families which will be ruined if this gets out, if I am not wrong.

Should I really leave the girl I loved, because I betrayed her. Even if I have to do it, I have to do it with a different reason and not say this. I am totally going mad at this..

[talaniman]

You betrayed the trust of the girl you love, and your first instinct is to hide it. That might be human nature, but for sure if you keep hiding it from her, you build a future on the lies and denials that cause you great fear and stress.

Now for some facts. No female that has had sex with more than one guy at the same time can be sure WHO the father is after a month or years, without some type of test, which is too soon to have. So you are putting undo stress on YOURSELF, and that has to stop.

You do nothing about her pregnancy, without FACTS, and focus on your NOW 4 year female whom you wish a future with. Only YOU can make the choice to tell her anything and have to live with being a lying cheater, no matter what you do.

If indeed it was a mistake, then you pray to your God for forgiveness, then forgive yourself, and face your consequences with courage. But your future lady deserves to know the facts so she can decide for herself what she wants to do about HER future. That's would be fair, and leaving the pregnant lying cheater to the device of her own consequences for now.

Until you make a decision you will be miserable, and stressed. Another consequence of your own actions. Hope you think with the right head next time you are confronted with such decisions. Have hope, many have faced this same dilemma and learned from it to thrive and survive, and do better, and so to will you.

[palranju12]

Thanks Talaniman. For now, I have decided to hide this from my girl and everyone.
Let time go for a year. Time is bound to change many person's thoughts and attitude.
So being patient is something I need to focus on.

[Cat1864]

Before you decide to wait a year to tell your girlfriend, please take time to think about this:

One of the questions we have come up on Ask Me Help Desk (AMHD) is, 'I just found out my husband/wife had an affair/cheated on me before we married. We have been married for x number of years and I always thought he/she was faithful and loyal the entire time we have been together. It feels like our relationship has been a lie. I don't know if I can believe anything he/she said or says. Should I? How do I stop hurting? He/she thinks because it happened so long ago I shouldn't be upset or angry. But I am. Am I wrong for how I feel?'

The point is that no matter when you tell her, she is going to hurt. The more time that elapses and she thinks that you love her, just her and no one else, and knows without a doubt that you are the most faithful and loyal man alive, the harder the truth is going to hit her. The more she is going to question how much of what you have told her is a lie. The stronger the feeling of betrayal of trust is going to be.

In a year or decade, do you want the woman you say you love to find AMHD or another question and answer site and pour out all of the hurt and anger that your actions and inactions have caused? Or do you want to be honest with her about your mistake (though I am not sure you really look at it as one) and see if there is a future for you as a couple that isn't based in part on a lie?

[DoulaLC]

Thanks Talaniman. For now, i have decided to hide this from my girl and everyone.
Let time go for a year. Time is bound to change many person's thoughts and attitude.
So being patient is something i need to focus on.

First, find out how far along this other girl is in her pregnancy. That may give you a clearer picture as to whether the baby is even yours.

As Cat said, time does not change the thoughts or attitude when cheating is involved, even more so if there is a child in the picture.

If the baby is indeed yours, you will be responsible, on a few levels, for that child's welfare. You don't get a choice in the matter. The other girl may say she will do it on her own, but she can come back a few years later and seek support from you (which you should do from the start regardless of what she says or does).

As for your girlfriend, if you truly loved her, you would give her the opportunity to decide whether she wants to be married to a man who cheated on her (and possibly had a child). Consider how she will feel if she marries you, only to find out later what had happened? You say you love her, and yet would knowingly leave her to future humiliation, pain, and possibly the devastation of going through a divorce by hiding what has happened? You can't hide a child.

You messed up. Find out some dates of the pregnancy with this other girl, and if it looks like the baby could be yours, you need to put your feelings and fears aside. As awful as you feel right now, make things right for the other people involved. You will only find peace once you have a clean slate.

It's a tough lesson to learn, to be sure.

[palranju12]

It really sounds sensible and in fact if I was in any of your place, I would advice the same. But I am not able to tell it to my girl, as the pregnant girl has told me, that "if u care for my family even 1%(her husband, first kid) please don't tell her and just grave it." And she said, you testimony will separate two families which are smooth till now.
She is very casual about this, and that makes me wonder, how could a women possibly be like this. And she says, there is no option of telling it out till we both are alive.

And remember, I am from India, which is meant to be a sensitive nation. In our place, you can never imagine how bad this can go if I vent it out. I even imagine of getting murdered by the pregnant girl's father or my girl might suicide, or even I could be forced to face legal actions and could be even arrested at worst case. And my personal family really cannot face all such allegations because of my stupid acts. All these things make me think, as I should completely swallow the truth.

If in future, my pregnant girl ever comes and asks for support for the kid, which I see as one impossible thing, (as she is very rich)still I would be doing whatever I could possibly do without the knowledge of my girl friend or anyone. Else I will die. That's it.

[DoulaLC]

I wish you well in whatever you decide... I truly hope you have learned a valuable lesson in all of this.

If a relationship does not have trust and honesty, it doesn't mean much. As you move forward, strive to make that your new commitment.