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tialica · Oct 15, 2011, 11:14 PM

My fiancé and his baby mama have never been married. The baby mama does not let him see the child unless he goes over to her house. She knows about me and our engagement.

I want him to get some sort of custody arrangement or AT LEAST visitation but he's asking me to be patient with him so we can handle our own things first. Am I wrong to be pushing him to do it soon?

I've considered speaking with her to get on good terms but I've been warned, by my fiancé, that she won't meet with me. Should I take matters into my own hands and try to see her and make peace?

We have never met but we have spoken. She doesn't say anything immature directly to me but she does text him immature comments about me or us. Please give me some advice.

talaniman · Oct 16, 2011, 12:58 PM

Stay out of his business with his ex. When it spills over into things related to you, and him, then he has to handle things better. You have to let him.

How long have you been together?

tialica · Oct 16, 2011, 01:07 PM

There is a lot more to the story and it does involve me. This is just the summary. We have been together for over a year.

vanheart · Oct 16, 2011, 05:04 PM

That's for him & her to work out.

Before you entered the picture.

You got with a baby Dad.
And all that comes with that. Be patient & get on the same page.

I wouldn't rush marriage. How long have you been with him?
How long was he with his ex?

talaniman · Oct 16, 2011, 05:30 PM

Originally Posted by tialica

There is a lot more to the story and it does involve me. This is just the summary. We have been together for over a year.

If you can't trust him to handle his business with his other family, what's the point? And what's the other stuff to the story?

Jake2008 · Oct 17, 2011, 02:56 AM

While I agree that he has to work out custody/visitation with his ex, and only his ex, where does that leave you.

You are engaged to him. When will the time come that he has finished his business as far as custody goes, so that you know you will be sharing parenting, and when you will be in this child's life.

Why does his ex hold all the cards, and call the shots with visitation only at her house for example. Why are you excluded, when clearly you will be a part of this picture and also have a relationship with your fiance's son.

What does he think will happen. That the two of you will get married, and he still visits his ex at her home, in order to see his son? That would make me very uncomfortable.

If there is no clear reason why he shouldn't have his child on his own, some of the time, and isn't moving forward to resolve that, I would question when it would happen.

And, I would not marry him, until he takes care of business.

tialica · Oct 22, 2011, 10:18 AM

Him and the mother haven't been together all that long. They met through mutual friends, hooked up and she got pregnant. During the pregnancy and birth he tried to be to stay but he wasn't happy and she made things very difficult. She doesn't even want his family to be in the picture but has no problem calling them for money. He is going to file for visitation in a few weeks. He has not done so as yet because the mother told the child that daddy wants to take you away from me and the child is now scared to see daddy. He does not want this to be difficult on the child and neither do I.

talaniman · Oct 22, 2011, 10:53 AM

It could take years for them to resolve all their issues, and for YOU to push for solutions will probably cause more harm than good and make what they must decide together, or through the courts that much more difficult, and that's the last thing you need to make a wedge of jealousy, or resentments between you and him.

If he needs help, let him ask you for it, then you can support him, but I don't think jumping in the middle of this, as well intentioned as you may be, is a good idea.

vanheart · Oct 22, 2011, 05:32 PM

He has to deal with his past decisions & what that means. To him, his child, and his future.
He still hasn't got there.

Including getting involved with you, putting you in his mess. Before he has his crap together.

Until he does that, you are just a 3rd party.

Its up to you how much drama you want in your life.

His agenda & decisions are not yours.

mmresd · Oct 25, 2011, 06:04 PM

Whatever happens between him and the baby is their thing. It doesn't matter how much right you THINK you have about this, you don't. Or whether it bothers you that he has to speak to the baby mama. If you don't like it then leave, but let them sort out their problems without your input.

Fr_Chuck · Oct 25, 2011, 08:16 PM

I will go against the flow here somewhat. He has no business visiting only at the baby moma's home, He should have as soon as he was not with the moma any longer, got a court order for visits. He needs to go to the home, or some neutral place and pick up the child and bring the child to his home. That is how visiting normally works, Including some over nights and more. ( often depending on age of child)

He is allowing the baby moma to control him for some reason, and does not want to fight her in court ? Another issue,

Is there child support being paid ? That may be the threat baby moma is using,

But yes it is interfering with you, since he is going to her house and spending hours.

str8 2thepoint · Nov 5, 2012, 08:36 AM

I totally disagree! If this man thought enough of you to propose then he should also think enough of you to have you involved in his decision making, and also in his child's life. The "baby mama" needs to grow up and learn that life goes on. She needs to grow up and why does he have to go to her house to see HIS son. The "baby mama" does that so SHE can be close to the father. FACT: Baby mama's don't have the same rights as WIVES! If your fiancé want man up it might benefit you to move on. Right now you are just engaged to him but once you say " I DO" you will be able to voice your opinion a little more.