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yoyolb · Feb 4, 2007, 03:01 PM

My boyfriend of 4 years broke of with me 2 months ago. He said he needed space to get his life together ( no job, lives with parents, doesn't feel good about himself) He loved me, but couldn't give me what I needed. Instead of letting him go, I committed every no-no in the book (cried, begged, went to his job). We still hung out and communicated even though he kept saying that it wasn't a good idea. I persisted anyway trying to convinve him it would be all right. One day I just woke up and smelled the coffee and realized I was making an idiot of myself and I told I him that I understood that he needed space and I'm sorry that I didn't give it to him when he first asked. He said I didn't have to apologize but he didn't know what to do, he said we should spend 2 weeks apart ( his head wasn't in it)then come back together to see how things went. I agreed at first but after a week, I just knew that 2 weeks would not be enough to change anything. If his head wasn't in it and he is trying to work on himself, then 2 weeks is not enough time. If it's actually going to work then we need to really split. I called to tell him this and he got angry with me. He said we should talk to discuss this and I was like okay. The next day he had an attitude and said there was nothing to discuss. I told him that there was no need to be childish about it, I said that all of our anger was water under the bridge and I just need time to get myself together. I wished him the best of luck and said now he has the time to focus on himself. There are no hard feelings and I wish him the best. That seemed to really calm him down because he began explaining that his plan is taking him longer than he anticipated and he hoped I wasn't mad at him. I said I am not mad at him we need this time for ourselves ( I was sure not to mention anything about getting back together because that would seem to omply some sort of intentions). I was ready to say goodbye but he kept pausing and stopping. He finally asks if I had met someone or was I dating anyone and I said no, I just need time to myslef and when I get it together THEN I will consider dating but right now it's all about me. We said our goodbyes, I gave him a phone hug ( which he said was the best he ever had) and we hung up. My confusion comes due to his fickle attitude. One minute he wants to break up, not talk anymore, then when I finally grant him his wish he gets pissed, but then acts all nice again. And he has the nerve to ask about my personal life. I would like to reconcile with him but I want it to be right. DO we have a chance? WHat was up with is attitude?

chuff · Feb 4, 2007, 05:39 PM

Originally Posted by yoyolb

I called to tell him this and he got angry with me.

He got mad because previously he was calling the shots and you were hanging on his side waiting for an answer. Then you did a 180 on him once you got some space. He was in an "emotional shock." It totally caught him off guard.

Originally Posted by yoyolb

The next day he had an attitude and said there was nothing to discuss. I told him that there was no need to be childish about it, I said that all of our anger was water under the bridge and I just need time to get myself together. I wished him the best of luck and said now he has the time to focus on himself. There are no hard feelings and I wish him the best. That seemed to really calm him down b/c he began explaining that his plan is taking him longer than he anticipated and he hoped I wasn't mad at him.

See he thought you were pulling away to get back at him. Plus a day had gone by so the shock had worn off.

Originally Posted by yoyolb

I was ready to say goodbye but he kept pausing and stopping. He finally asks if I had met someone or was I dating anyone and I said no, I just need time to myslef and when I get it together THEN I will consider dating but right now it's all about me.

He asked that because he was under the impression that if you were willing to change your mind so soon than someone else may have come along.

rol · Feb 5, 2007, 02:27 AM

His attitude is that he is uncertain about your relationship.. when you became uncertain yourself he thought he was going to lose you, so he changed his tune.
Go no contact now, do not contact him in any way, nothing, this is essential for him to feel the void from his life and to make a decision.
If you hear from him do not call back right away, and when you do , do not ask any relationship type questions. Let him see you have a fun busy life without him, this may wake him up!
Work on yourself now and figure out where all those angry issues come from.

talaniman · Feb 5, 2007, 08:08 AM

How can he have a healthy love for you, when he cannot have a healthy love for himself??

Go no contact now, do not contact him in any way, nothing, this is essential for him to feel the void from his life and to make a decision.

I agree that you should leave it to him to find himself.

yoyolb · Feb 5, 2007, 09:57 AM

I agree with you about allowing him time to get himself together before he can actually have love for me. It makes perfect sense to me know, but when your heart is aching you can't think staright. Thanks guys. Keep the thoughts and suggestions coming.

rol · Feb 5, 2007, 10:09 AM

<<but when your heart is aching you can't think staright>>

Exactly, so you go now and find yourself also... maybe you will realise someone with such a fickle atitude is not what you want.

yoyolb · Feb 5, 2007, 02:08 PM

He actually has never been this fickle. I am not trying to make excuses fro him he is really going through a lot of stuff would make anyone be stressed and tired. I will not definitley contact him in any way. If he does not contact me after a while, then I will know his true feelings.

rol · Feb 6, 2007, 01:34 AM

OK I understand exactly what youa re dealing with then then... after having had the same experience . Let him find himself again without any pressure from you.

rebel-2 · Feb 6, 2007, 03:04 AM

Maybey he thought you wer better off without him

phoenix1664 · Feb 6, 2007, 04:30 AM

I have had the same experience as you only in reverse I was the one crying not her just guve him space he needs to sort out his feelings if it is meant to be it will.

Geoffersonairplane · Feb 6, 2007, 06:34 AM

Originally Posted by rebel-2

Maybey he thought you wer better off without him

I thought this was an interesting point.. He may value himself less at the moment and feel you are better off without him. Regardless, he needs some time alone to work on himself.

No Contact is best for at least 3 months but don't latch onto any false hope in following this approach. You may never get back together and you must be open minded to this possibility.

rol · Feb 6, 2007, 06:43 AM

After seeing a lot of cases of this recently, and having been in the situation myself, and having talked to 2 male friends who did the same I can say it is extremely common for a man to drop the relationship when he feels he is not himself , or his job is not going well or has to many things to focus on..
For me as a girl this is strange as when females have problems we need someone there to talk to whereas the guy seems to want to be alone
Has this always been the case or is this a new relationship issue..
The guy I talked to first hand a few weeks ago told his girlfriend he needed space and didn't know about he feelings for her (he told me it was because he had completely lost himself and wanted to build himself back up and didn't want her to have to put up with his grumpiness and bad behaviour and he would not be able to be a good boyfriend to her during that time)
I think I'm going to open a new question about this issue as I see so many cases off it recently...

yoyolb · Feb 6, 2007, 09:57 AM

All your points are very valid and bring light to my complicated situation. To my knowledge he has never done this before. I do agree that he is not feeling very "manly" these days. That is definitely taking its toll on him.
I do have some bad news though... I answered the phone when he called. He called me at like 1am and wanted to talk. I was thinking I would say hey all is great for and hang up but it didn't. We ended up together and he agreed to work on the relationship. I told him that I still wanted a little space. I said I would call him next week and we could maybe hang out. He agreed and said that he would not be negative. He would just "go with the flow". I am going to take things really, really slow. I do not want to jump back into the same old cycle. I told him we are starting from a very small relationship and hopefully we can build it into a better one. I am keeping in mind that he still has certain situations and obligations he has to handle during this time so I do no =t have my hopes up unrealistically. I will keep you posted on how things pan out. Keep the advice coming!

shade · Feb 6, 2007, 10:42 AM

For a minute I thought you where my ExGf. This is litterly what I'm going through. The differnece is it's been almost 4 years, and she was the one who broke it off. I still am screwed up and processing everything. One thing I found is this. I felt I was the woman in the relastionship a lot. Regardless of whatever we did, we are not healthy together right now. That means that if we try to "work" on ourselves together, we will end up at the same spot.

It seems he wants to make himself into well... himself. He wants you to still be there when that's done. The only way is to do it himself. By dating him, and pumping up his ego, he's going to rely on you. That's what happened with me. I relied on my Ex so much she felt like mommy half the time.

Taking that path, it will only get unhealthy. I found for me, that if I know she will be there for me, I'll bide my time. If I know that she is there for me now, I'll rely on her completely. If I separate my problems form the "US" part, I can work on them and get healthy. The only way for me to do that is to accept the break up part. For me, the only thing is I don't want to except the "never be together" part.

yoyolb · Feb 7, 2007, 07:34 AM

I totally understand what you are saying. Like I said, everyday I get a little clearer in the situation. Yesterday I realized I am going to have to let him go. I talked to him yesterday very briefly but I will no longer call him. I am going to have to stay my distance. I was doing good until he called me. He made me feel bad because he sadi the thought of me being with soemone kills him. I'm like, "Then get your stuff together dude!" Either way, we have got to leave each other alone for him to feel like himself. He is so far from getting himself together, I know I can't wait for him.

talaniman · Feb 7, 2007, 08:24 AM

Originally Posted by yoyolb

I totally understand what you are saying. Like I said, everyday I get a little clearer in the situation. Yesterday I realized I am going to have to let him go. I talked to him yesterday very breifly but I will no longer call him. I am going to have to stay my distance. I was doing good until he called me. He made me feel bad because he sadi the thought of me being with soemone kills him. I'm like, "Then get your stuff together dude!" Either way, we have got to leave each other alone for him to feel like himself. He is so far from getting himself together, I know I can't wait for him.

I like that in you!!

rol · Feb 7, 2007, 08:35 AM

Gosh you are so strong!!
Excellent!

yoyolb · Feb 13, 2007, 10:05 AM

Well guys, I think I have offiaially moved on in my heart and mind. We talked for the last time this morning and I once again wished him the best. I really felt good letting it go this time. I care about him but, he really needs this time to get his stuff together and It was time to move on.
Yolanda B.

rol · Feb 13, 2007, 10:09 AM

Wow after 4 years ! I think you are the strongest person I've ever seen on this forum!
Good for you.

yoyolb · Feb 15, 2007, 05:12 PM

Well, Rol, when the person you loved for so long is telling you they can't or don't want to love you anymore, what else are you to do?
Ironically he called yesterday to wish me Happy Valentine's Day and asked me to be his Valentine. I was on my way to my PH D. Residency Classes so we couldn't get together and I said just that. He was very upbeat, cheery and chatted me up big time. He was overly nice and concerned about me ( he wanted to know if I made sure to eat before I went to such a long class all night, he wanted make sure I drove carefully and didn't ride on people's bumpers during traffic like I usually do). I was very surprised and just went with the flow. I did not bring up our relationship and neither did he. I just was quiet and answered questions as he asked. I didn't really ask him much. We left on a good note. I don't know what to make of that but, I'm sticking to my guns this time. If he wants me back his is going to have to work! I feel good, I am happy, so I am not letting him slip back in my life if he is going to play games. I will keep you guys posted!
Yo B.