[Sophie000]

Hello everybody

I'm looking for some wise advice, I don't really have anyone to talk to about this so hopefully one of you out there can help.

I have been with my husband for 3 years. Actually we are not married because of this problem I am about to mention, but I consider him a husband anyway since we have a child together and live as husband and wife.

He is a wonderful man, very loving and caring, a great father. There is nothing I can find fault with in him, we have our little arguments but nothing serious, except for this problem that seems to be in me. I just don't know if I love him.

I forgot to mention I am 24 and he is 35. I got pregnant the first time we slept together. I have only had one boyfriend before him. So this is a case of me being crazy with curiosity about other men, other experiences, having thoughts like my fun life is over, now I'm a mum and wife, I will never feel free and easy again. I am tempted all the time by fantasies about a new beginning, being out on my own again (with my son of course, he is almost 3), and making the most of my youth.

So now I have been kind of stuck in this position for almost the whole time we have been together, half here with him, half not.

I can't go on like this, and even though I say nothing, he is very sensitive and senses it. Lately almost every night he has been having dreams about me leaving him, which is amazing because outwardly I am loving and its only inside that I have this confusion, but he picked it up. This is obviously not good for my son either. I don't want to regret leaving him, but I also don't want to regret staying this way for years until I'm old and nobody else wants me! I'm ashamed to admit this but I will- there is an element of vanity here, I feel like I'm too young and attractive to be stuck inside the house all day every day cleaning and looking after my son, I feel like I'm wasting my life.

Okay. That's pretty much it. Please diagnose! I really need help something has to change.

[QLP]

You need to really ask yourself how much of this is dissatisfaction with your husband and how much is dissatisfaction with the day to day humdrum life you describe.

Think of it this way - if you met a new man tomorrow but were still stuck in the house looking after your son would you be happy? If you were on your own stuck in the house with your son would that do it?

It may be that your feelings for your husband aren't strong enough, but it would be a mistake to imagine your fantasies are necessarily realistic. No partner or life situation is going to stand up to being compared to an idealistic fantasy.

Being a mum of small children can be hard work, and we can miss having adult company, no matter how much we love our kids. So what can you do in your present situation to get out of the house more, to meet more people, and to have some fun? That would be a good place to start.

Any groups for mums with young children in your area? Any courses you could look at doing that would lead to something useful or enjoyable when your son is a little older. Do you have friends and family nearby? How about an 'adopt a granny' scheme, where you and your son get to visit an older person, they get to have their loneliness alleviated and you get to help someone and have the support and interesting tales of someone from another generation. Have a look in local newspapers and on local community boards, maybe at the local library, and see if you can find something that appeals.

Finally, does your husband give you a hand around the place, or take care of your son while you have the odd day off to go on a little pamper yourself day, or a shopping trip. If not, it's time you discussed this.

[0rphan]

I think you have a case of... is the grass greener on the other side syndrome?.
All you can see is caring for your son,cleaning,cooking and everything else that goes with it.Your board, maybe you look at other young women's lives thinking,I could be like that,but they also have the same daily tasks to do... getting up early to get to work,busy all day then going home more often than not to an empty home,same thing day in day out, which I'm sure given have the chance they'd change with you immediately.All of them searching for that lovely man that your lucky enough to have found.

You have said yourself that you cannot fault him in any way,but your not sure if you love him.Would you miss him if you left,his caring,his loving that he gives unconditionally to you and your son?You imagine that all relationships are like this... there not,you are one of the lucky ones, because everything is so natural between you and your husband,you have gotten complacent,taking it for granted.

I can fully understand your frustration,I think it's because you need your own space,not someone's Mum or someone's Wife,you need to be you for a while.If it means having your husband look after your son on a few evenings or maybe some of the weekend to establish your individuality,I think that's what has to be done.There may even be courses that you would be interested in taking at the local college,make some inquiries,find out if they are available,and at what times.Evening college can be a very social get together, you can meet many different people whilst learning a chosen subject.

Maybe you could have a girls night out on a weekly basis, each of you taking it in turns to babysit.I am sure that all you need is something else to concentrate on in your life besides your family commitments.

If you think you husband would understand,why don't you tell him how you feel,obviously not about other men,but the fact that you feel that you've missed out on your younger life experiences,reminding him that he is 11 years older than you,and so would have had lots of time to enjoy himself.

Should you have the opportunity to stray whilst on a night out,think very carefully before you do,one night of sheer lust,which is what it would be,balanced against losing your son ,husband , home and of course yourself respect when it all comes to light... and it surely will,ask yourself is it worth it.

[JoeCanada76]

Okay, Age does not really matter. Many people start having families a lot younger then you. Do you have any outside friends? Do you do anything social outside of the house. In other words do you have have a break? Now I doubt very much that you do not love him, because if you did not love him you would not be with him. You would not have a child with him. Etc Etc Etc... You said you feel like your married. That you consider him your husband and by law depending on where you live whether you have that piece of paper or not. Common law marriage holds just as much weight as legal marriage.
You both have a strong connection and it is obvious by his dreams that he is getting how you feeling inside. I normally would say if your not in love then it is time to make changes. In this case though you have a husband, Son and you are part of a family. Exploring other options is not really an option right now, and even if you did. Does not mean that the Grass is greener on the other side. I am sure you understand that.
So my suggestion for you is to seek out counseling. Counseling will not solve the problems for you but it will help you take steps on working out your feelings. To make changes in yourself which will allow you to take steps to make changes regardless of what they might be.
In a couple of years your son will be starting school and you will have a lot more time to yourself to do things your interested in. What are some of your interests? Is there anything you do job wise besides being a mother?
Have you and your husband been on a date since having your child?
There are so many factors that can effect the way your feeling.

Joe