[sally956]

Hey,
I've been through really big problems with in the past two years.. such as family problems and a bad ex. He use to drink and abuse me all the time, go out late nights try hitting me and even use to allow his friends to say whatever to me and one of them use to come in my room at night while my ex was drunk and try make a move on me.

Well I broke up with my ex and moved in with an amazing guy who I've known for almost two years but we were just friends at first and then once everything went downhill with my ex I starting liking him. I'm in a relationship with him for almost 4 months now but for some reason we argue almost every week and everything bad he does seems to remind me of my ex, he ignores me abuses me and for the first time today he even hit me (nothing serious).

I'm crying and I don't now what to do I've tried cutting again and suicide but I feel like I'm just destroying myself. I don't want to stay with him either but at the same time I really love him. I'm always depressed and always want to cut myself.

I'm sick of it can any give me any advice on how to fix things with him before it gets worse :(

[Cat1864]

The first thing is to get you out of there and somewhere safe not only because he did hit you, but because you are in danger from yourself while you are staying there.

Do you have family or other friends you can go stay with? Preferably, someone who knows your history and can help you get back on track.

Do you mind giving me a general idea of where you are to know what services might be available for you? Some fairly common places are women's shelters, health departments, etc.

Remember that you are not alone and there are people willing to help. You just have to reach out. We can give advice and point you in the right direction, but you are going to have to want to make the changes and do the work to get your life back.

I don't think you allowed yourself to heal from your previous relationship before you started relying on the new person. It may not have started as a romantic relationship, but you do seem to have been caught up in being rescued. When people don't heal and let the past go, they tend to keep repeating the same problems over and over again. It happens and doesn't mean anything more than you need to break the cycle.

Another thought is you might be creating a cycle due to how you feel about yourself. Do you like yourself? Do you think you deserve to be happy and in a healthy relationship with yourself and others? Would you be open to counseling or therapy?

[slapshot_oi]

I personally don't believe you need advice on this, you just need motivation. You know exactly what you need to do since you've been in this situation once before; you need to leave him. You must know there is endless resources available, shelters and hotlines, for battered women. Call one of those hotlines, they will be able to help you better than any of us.

My personal advice: stay single for a long time, at least two years, but given your series of horrible relationships, I'd vie for more time. It sounds to me like you become dependent on whoever it is you're dating at the time, you need to learn how to find happiness alone.

[ruthie28751]

Get out, first and foremost. Find who you are... make a list of all your best qualities, and put it somewhere that you can see it often. Stop dwelling on the negative things, but instead focus on the positive. Recognize and eventually foster the talents and qualities that God has given you, and only after you have realized yourself worth and come to terms with the beautiful woman you are, THEN you can open yourself up to finding a man who is deserving of such a lady as yourself. Stop buying into the lies of the world, that you have to be a certain way. Just embrace yourself and don't worry what other people think. And that will attract a man who will treat you like the lady you are, and who will put your best interest first instead of his own selfish agenda. You can do it! Be strong and keep your head up. I'll be praying for you!

[sally956]

Cat1864- thanks a lot seems like you read my mind that's exactly how I feel at times like I'm not good enough not just for myself but also for my boyfriend.im in australia right now.I wouldn't mind talking to a counselor but I also don't want my boyfriend to think I'm just trying to get attention or something.I get depressed a lot sometimes I feel like I'm lonely even when I'm surrounded by heaps of people.I don't talk to my parents they are divorced and married to different people so I choose to stay away from them as I don't feel comfortable with either step parent.
I mightve rushed into another relationship but its not just because I love him but also because I was feeling even more depressed and heart broken that I really needed someone to make me happy again.but seems like were strangers at times because we fight on the stupidest stuff and he is really quick to judge and misunderstand,he gets angry at times when I tell him your treating me the same way as my ex did,but I really can't help it because its true he does the same mean things to me.its really weird because some days we get along so well and I feel so happy and I forget about all the bad stuff but then suddenly we just start argueing like were the biggest enemies.he starts to yell and drink and break things then I eventually turn to cutting or taking heaps of pills.im sick of having to fight with him because I'm already torn apart from my ex.its affecting my life and work

[Cat1864]

Here are a couple of links to more information on Depression and abuse:
beyondblue: the national depression initiative - What is Depression?
Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

Do you have the resources, to get out of the house and live on your own or is there someone you can stay with while you get on feet?

You need to talk to your doctor to find out what the causes of your Depression are. Your Depression and the problems that come from it may be caused by medical issues such as chemical or hormonal imbalances. There are so many things you can do to help yourself: getting out of a stressful environment; learning how to handle stress in better ways; proper nutrition; getting sleep; getting enough exercise; staying active mentally as well as physically; etc.

It is not seeking attention to need help for a medical condition. If you think counseling will help you, don't worry about what he or anyone else thinks. Look for counselors in your area or get a referral from your doctor and make an appointment. It may take trying a couple of different ones to find the counselor who fits with you so don't be concerned or frustrated because the first person's methods or personality clash with yours. Do give the person a chance. Sometimes you can get more help from someone you wouldn't expect it from.

Keeping an open mind is big part of getting help. Be open to thinking that you are better than 'good enough'. You deserve to be treated with respect not just from yourself but anyone you are in a relationship with.

On the relationship, I think part of the problem is what you expect in a relationship. You have been abused and mistreated. Those experiences leave wounds on the mind and heart even if there aren't any visible on the body. You need someone to talk to face to face who can help you heal those wounds with as little scarring as possible. You don't seem to have gotten that help after your previous relationship so the wounds are either still open and raw or they have become very sensitive scars. Either way, they can warp how you perceive the actions of new people in your life or even those who were not related to the abuse. They can cause comparisons that maybe aren't fair to others. Also, when you are hurting, you come to expect the pain.

One of the very strange things about humans is we tend to stick with what we know and many times unconsciously create problems that support our view of the world. In other words, if you think you aren't good enough, you might subconsciously pick up on words or actions that support the negative feelings and ignore the ones that support positive feelings.

You can change how you act/react and it will affect those around you. If you build up respect and confidence in yourself (hobbies, classes, work, volunteering, etc. can help you build up good thoughts about yourself), you will start reacting more positively or confidently in your life which in turn encourages others to treat you the same way.

When did you start feeling like the new guy was doing the same things the ex did? From your original post, I got the impression this was something that began when you actually started dating instead of being flat-mates. Is my impression correct?

[sally956]

We where just friends before but once me and my ex started drifting apart then I started liking him and it became really uncomfortable to stay with my ex he use to abuse me day and night especially when he was drunk.and the only way my boyfriend was going to get me to be his girlfriend was if I was to move in with him.. I had no one else to go to anyway,so I thought ill just give it a shot.he is so loving and caring so I agreed.I left and now its been almost 4 months since we've been dating,the second day I was with him we argued over the smallest things we just had different views,but we sorted it out so I didn't bring it up.. but its still on my mind because I'm scared of the same thing happening again,he treats me nice but I don't believe it I keep thinking he's expecting something,the last time we fought was because he didn't like the way I speak,its not my fault I talk like that,I accidentally say shutup in every cinversation I have but I don't do it in any bad intention ,but he didn't take it that way and pushed me towards the wall with his hand on my neck,I felt so alone and scared same thing was happening.he did the same thing my ex did when I ignored him.its so hard to hold it in since its not the first time so I just walked out of the room and went into the bathroom and started crying for a while then couldn't resist myself and cut my arm,if I don't cut when I'm upset then I feel like I'm being choked and I can't stop my tears,and I start punching walls.after I cut around 10 minutes later I seem to feel better and I'm able to sleep and stop crying,its become a habbit like a cure and it really affects me though because the next day it hurts and I can't focus on work.I can't even afford to move out on my own I don't even earn much and I'm only 17,my boyfriend is supporting me otherwise id be broke most of the time.im really annoyed I can't even study I feel like such a failiure most of the time and that's why I go work so I can get my mind off everything but once I get home its like there's a switch I just get depressed and sad.

[talaniman]

You are understandably overwhelmed by your own feelings, but through the proper guidance, you can learn different ways, besides cutting, to cope with those feelings.

So how does a 17 year old find herself depending on others to support her, instead of being home with her family, getting through high school? I would like to know your story, if you didn't mind sharing.

[sally956]

talaniman- well me and my sister and brother use to live with my mum,and my dad use to live overseas(they were divorced) then my dad came back to australia and stayed with his mother and use to visit us from time to time,then we decided to go sydney to celebrate new years for 4 days,but on the second day my sister and mother got into an argument and my sister wanted to go back to melbourne but my mum didn't.she made it clear that she didn't want to take care of us.so me and my sister left and went back to melbourne were we lived with my our mum.my dad came to the house the same day and started saying stuff like oh your mum left use I hope use aren't going to talk to her again.me and my sister got really hurt so we didn't speak with my mum for a year.. my mum tried getting into contact with me because I'm the type to forgive more then my sister.so I started getting back into contact with my mum.then my sister started talking to her as well.(my mum went overseas after we left sydney)so my mum was calling from overseas and she was engaged,when I got told that I started feeling depressed and lonely,bcoz it felt like some guy is taking my mum away.
For almost a year I ahd been going out with some guy that I thought was really amazing,he made me happy and helped me go through all my sad and lonlely days while my mum was aaway.. I just loved him so much I could die for him,anyway my dad found out and me being from a muslim family its not alloud to have a boyfrind and especially if he is not muslim and same nashonality as me,so my dad tried so much to keep m away from him my sister and my dad confronted him many times and threatened and ven tried to hit him but he never backed off so I held onto him more,my dad tried getting me engaged to my cousin so tahts when I couldn't take it anymore so I left home and started living with my ex.everything went all well between us even though my dad stopped talking to me.we where living with his friends,then after a year and a half things changed between us his brother died and his friends started to brain wash him to drink at first he never drank but somehow he just started and couldn't stop,and I couldn't see him harming his body so much so I trid to stop him so much but h bgan backfiring on me and sticking up for his friends and use to abuse me try hitting me.then I started losing my happiness and started cutting (I had never self harmed before) and taking pills,(I also went through abortion which even killed me more because I didn't want to kill it,even though I wasn't ready) so much things he said and did it all added up and I became some different person many times my mum would ask me to leave him but I couldn't because she ahd been married and I didn't want to live with my mum or my dads partener so I kept going through it,until I started to get into contact with a guy I was once close friends with a while back,then it became a daily thing and we started liking each other and then I really got attached to him and felt so annoyed because he was in another state and I needed him,I asked him when he was going to make our relationship official but he said the only way is if you would stop living with a guy and come live with me,so I agreed since I wasn't even happy where I was anyway,and now its been almost 4 months since we've been living together.. hope that answers what you wanted to know.

[sally956]

Soemtimes things go downhill with my boyfriend and I want to make sure its hardly ever my fault he's an amazing guy and I don't want to lose him by doing things he doesn't like so please guys or girls if you have any tips I would really appreciate it thanks

[Cat1864]

Sally, what men want is as varied as what women want. The person you need to ask that question of is your boyfriend. What one person likes can upset someone else. As for the sexual aspects of this question, we can't answer those until you turn 18.

However, I think before you worry about him, you need to work on you. Actually it does go into what both sexes tend to gravitate toward-a strong and healthy partner. Taking care of your needs makes you more confident and secure which in turn makes you a partner capable of working with him instead of someone needing to be taken care of like a child.

[farfellow]

It starts with communication... what ticks you off and what ticks him off. You can't keep walking around on egg shells for him thinking that the next move is going to affect your relationship. What about you? Does he care about keeping you by his side? It's a learning process...

[talaniman]

Sorry I didn't get back with you before and you felt the need to start another question without the facts you have been arguing, fighting, and there has been violence.

I think you are to young to be in a healthy relationship, but find you are dependent on others for you to be safe, secure, loved and watched over. I think you could benefit from some guidance to be self reliant, self sufficient, and on a path to doing things that make you happy, and building a life for yourself. There are many agencies in your area that can help and you won't have to depend on a man to take care of you, and give you safety, and happiness.