[jmcontinuum]

I've been dating this guy for about a year, we met right before he went into the army so I knew what I was getting myself into, well kind of. The first 6-7 months were great I'm talking head over heels in love, we saw each other every possible chance and couldn't talk enough through texts or phone calls each day. Back in May he got 1 month of leave, which I thought was going to be incredible. Instead he moped around never wanting to do anything or acknowledging anything I did for him, preferring just to sleep in and watch TV. Finally after I drunkenly confronted him and locked him out of the house (gotta love that liquid courage), he admitted to me he wasn't happy for some reason. We worked through things, he claimed it wasn't our relationship it was just stress and the army.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. He got another two weeks of leave from the army - once again, I thought it was incredible, who gets that much leave? But the entire two weeks he just let me down again and again, skipping out days at a time to go see random friends he hasn't seen in years, leaving me and his family behind. We had a serious confrontation the last night he was home - he wanted to go AWOL because he was completely depressed. Once again, talked things through, managed to get him back there where he is still completely miserable. He's been talking to a therapist up there, but I'm not sure how much it's helping.. Now I know he's not cheating on me or anything that extreme, but this is really taking a toll on me. I try to do cute things for him to cheer him up but he either takes no notice or just texts "thanks" or something equally un-meaningful. I'm at the end of my rope, I love him to death and I don't want to break up with him, I saw a future with this man. But he's transformed into someone I don't recognize and I don't want to be with. I know it may be out of my hands to save him, but I also don't want to be the thing that sends him over the edge. I just can't turn my back on him when I think he needs me the most...

Has anyone else had any similar experiences or can offer some sort of advice to help me through this? I don't know what to do for him anymore and I'm starting to wonder if this is something he's better off going through alone?

[Chery]

Hi dear, and welcome to this forum.

Sorry that you are going through an issue that is not mentioned much here and I don't know too many other sites dealing with this... when you consider how many people there are in the military and having to maintain a 'normal' life with or without family members.

Here's a link I found that you can start with to get familiar.

Depression in Entry-Level Military Personnel | Military Medicine | Find Articles at BNET

It might also lead you to more information and related forums.

Being a former military child, then a military wife and sister, I know how military life differs through my own experience, but the world has changed a lot since then and there have been a lot more threat and stress factors since 9/11 worldwide.

After you've perused through, let me know what you think and how you feel, and we can get to talking more if you feel comfortable enough to do so.

I feel your frustration and hope that we can find a solution and get you peace of mind soon. I also hope that he has a chance to 'find' himself again.

Good luck, and please keep me posted.


We are here for you any time you want to talk.

[jmcontinuum]

Thanks for the link, it's comforting in some weird way to know that he's not alone in the way he's feeling.. And I guess the fact that he is actually talking to someone up there puts him a step ahead. However sometimes I feel she does more harm than good, for instance she's been talking for a few weeks about getting him chaptered out for his depression. While I would love to see this happen, I feel like she's just giving him false hope instead of helping him come to terms with his situation.

Still leaves me unsure of what to do though. He's supposed to leave for a month long training session next week which would also put us out of contact for that month. I'm trying to figure out if there's some tactful/gentle way to tell him to use that time to think about himself and our situation.. He deploys in November and right now, I can't see myself waiting for him. Just based on the way he's treated me the past few months I feel like I'd just be dragging myself through the dirt waiting for a man I don't know. At the same time, I don't think I can hurt him..

I've told him before that I know he cares but I need him to show me something and give me something to hold onto but somehow this always results in him getting more upset/shutting down and telling me he's dealing with a lot right now and I just have to understand that... I just don't know what to do because at some point, I have to start looking out for myself.

[N0help4u]

As a mom who has a son in Germany and going back to Iraq in a couple months
I see the same thing with his girlfriend trying to act all cutesy to get his attention but you have to realize he has things on his mind you can never begin to understand. He has to focus on his training and concern of what he is getting himself into if he ends up in Iraq. His worries are not what to buy at the mall his worries are staying alive for the next few years.
The things we consider important are not and really can not be at the top of his priority list. (Not that he doesn't enjoy going to the mall and buying the latest things) And his time is going to be divided up between all his friends and family.
My son was home on leave around Christmas and then again for a couple weeks for the 4th. I was lucky to get 3 days of his time. He also broke up with his girlfriend because he felt it wasn't fair to her to make her wait until he is out of the army.
If you can't handle how he doesn't have time when he is here how will you deal with the long term of his being away?

[talaniman]

I don't think your really into this military g/f thing, and it would be a lot better if you were honest, and pursued your own life, without him in it.

[Chery]

I don't think your really into this military g/f thing, and it would be a lot better if you were honest, and pursued your own life, without him in it.

Darn Tal, got to spread it again dear. But I can see that some young women are not up for taking that endurance track of life with a military member. Unless you've been there, it's hard to fathom for some. Maybe she was not too sure of him before he enlisted either.

Jm, no matter what your decision is, you need to work on your peace of mind and your life (with or without him in it), and I wish you all the best.


We are here any time you feel the need to talk.

[smokedetector]

My last boyfriend went to basic a few months after we got together, and I stayed true to him for six months, getting a phone call every once in a blue moon and a letter, but I completely understood. However, when he came home for two weeks, he never ONCE came to see me. He had to do recruiting from 9-4 and was always too tired to come see me, which I also accepted. So what does he do when he gets off work? He spent his time with his friend playing video games. I'm talking 6 months without me, 2 weeks to find some time to see me, and not ONCE does he visit (I didn't have a car at the time). I got ONE phone call towards the end of his stay, and chose that time to let him know that he obviously wasn't as interested in our relationship as I was, and that I loved him, but I didn't want to be with him and alone anymore. He didn't talk to me for the next 3 months (swore I had been waiting to break up with him, said it was almost like a dear john letter, etc.), and now we are friends, and we check up on each other every once in a while.

Maybe he just isn't in a place where a relationship is going to work for him right now. You can either spend the next couple of years waiting to have a life with him, or you can break it off and remake your life into something YOU can be happy with. It is your decision, but YOU are the one that will have to live with it. Maybe after things become more stable you two can try again. Just tell him that while you love him, you obviously aren't what he needs right now, and you will be happy to keep up communication as friends until the situation allows for something more. Don't ever let a man run your life for you or try to make up your mind for you. You control your own life. Best of luck.

*edit* Just FYI, I wound up marrying a Navy guy, and I never feel like I'm alone with him. Don't let one rotten apple ruin the whole crop for you. Military guys are HOT... lol (please don't give me a reddie for that... it was a joke =D)