[SpringSprung]

Well my boyfriend of ten months, who also just recently moved in with me, no longer is interested in having sex. It's absolutely killing me. I don't understand and feel like maybe I'm completely repulsive. I wanted to start things up the other night and he, for what is probably the 23rd time in a row, turned me down. We haven't had sex in over 2 weeks.

I really freaked out the last time. I was really feeling it and was coming on to him. He never touches me anymore. Not in a sexual way, honestly his hands are all over me all the time. Face, hands, legs you name it, but there's NOTHING sexual about it. I cried and cried and begged him to tell me what was going on. I don't understand, he just keeps telling me he's not in the mood, that he loves me, that there is NO ONE else, but... What am I supposed to think?? He called me the other day and told me that it did nothing for him to have me throw myself at him and that he was really sorry that he wasn't in the mood. Then he PROMISED me that things would get better in that department. This tells me that he KNOWS what the problem is. He won't actually talk to me about it. I don't know what to think, I feel SO terrible right now.

Can anyone, especially any men, PLEASE tell me if this is in any way normal? I've never been shut down like this before and I don't understand. It's getting to the point where I've got a list of a hundred of my flaws. I cry myself to sleep most nights. He just wants NOTHING to do with me in the sack. He swears up and down he's not getting it anywhere else. I want so badly to believe him and I hate that I'm becoming so insanely suspicious but I can't help it.

PLEASE help!! Thanks ahead of time...

[Cat1864]

Let's start with how old both of you are? Not only are there posting restrictions on the Adult Sexuality board, but it may give some clues in what the issues are.

[SpringSprung]

I am 25 and he is 38. I figured afterwards that more info was needed and less of how I felt...

As far as I can tell he doesn't seem to watch much, if any, porn. That I know of anyway.
We were having what I would consider a normal sex life up until about 3 months ago. Though my drive was always higher.
No added stress to his life that he's shared with me.
Apart from the sex, nothing else in our relationship has changed.
No health problems that I'm aware of.

[Cat1864]

Thank you. The added information does help.

It may be that what didn't seem to be bothering him (stress, exhaustion, etc.) may have caught up with him.

He may have told you what the problem is. He is feeling pressured to have sex. Feeling pressured whether the feeling has a basis in fact or not is a libido limiter. If it has been only about two to three weeks since you had sex and he has turned you down twenty-three times, then it sounds like you are doing a lot of asking.

Do you have times when you just relax together without expecting sex? Times when you cuddle and share quiet moments. Feeling each other's presence. Do you talk or play games? Have fun getting to know each other on many different levels?

Do you both have interests outside the relationship that help you keep from relying on each other for your sole entertainment? Many people don't realize they need down time/me time in a relationship. It helps keep the relationship from bogging down.

Try backing off a bit and let him come to you. Also, work on communicating with him. Outside of the bedroom, sit down and talk with him. Let him know how you feel. Listen to him when he tells you how he feels. Work together to find out what works for you as a couple. It may mean a slower pace for you but it could be a lot more rewarding if you let it. A little anticipation doesn't hurt.

Pleasuring yourself is also a very good way to come up with thoughts to share with him, discovering what you like and don't and feeling good about yourself. It can help you feel sexy to yourself.

[SpringSprung]

I really appreciate the input, Cat.

I wish that I hadn't put as much pressure on him. I realize it's a mood killer, and my freaking out the other night certainly DID NOT help things. I just really don't know what to do, or what to think anymore.

We both have interests outside the relationship and spend 2-3 days apart a week (besides work).

We do spend A LOT of time, playing cards, cuddling, chatting, listening to music, taking drives, shooting pool, movies... I don't always expect sex, or ask for it. Something I should mention - when I sy 2 -3 weeks since sex, I pleasured him, he didn't reciprocate and, I can honestly say that I can't remember the last time that we did have sex (penetration) No idea.

I really wish he would talk to me about it. I have asked him in non emotional moments what's going on and he just says the same thing. I have asked him if there is ANYTHING that I could perhaps do, or improve on, or heck,even if he wants me to hit the gym. I would in fact LOVE to be told to do something better, or tone up, or ANYTHING.

Trust me, I have become a MASTER at taking care of myself, but I'm starting to ache for the bonding that comes with sex. I'm starting to feel like a really good friend and flat mate. I haven't approached the sex subject for 3 nights. I'm going crazy.