[riptowngirl]

Shortly after separating from my ex-husband I began talking to another man. Everything was hot and heavy at first. I could tell that he was really into me, and I with him as well. After only a few weeks of talking he was telling me he loved me, and someday wanted to have a child with me. We decided that we were not going to date until about 4 months after my divorce to expel any rumors that we started talking before my separation.

Right before I file for the divorce he tells me he wants space. I give it to him, and about a month later we are back on. He tells me he never stopped loving me. 2 months later he started backing off again (at this point I am divorced). I asked him to please let me know if anything is changing. He said he would.

A month later he says he doesn't know what he wants. Both times he has done this to me he won't talk about it. He just says "everything will be fine" "you will be fine" "November will be here soon" (November is our 4 month mark) and jumps off the phone real quick. I've asked him to just be straight with me. He says "if I make a decision I will tell you".

He doesn't call anymore, or text which was our only line of communication. Most of the time he will answer if I call him, and he is always nice, but sometimes he won't answer my calls, or text. I am not one of those girls that blows his phone up. He knows I'll give him space if he asks for it, and he know that I want to move on if he isn't into me.

I asked him to let me go so that I can move on.He said he didn't want to. I feel like I am being dragged. He even said he doesn't think we moved to fast in the beginning, by saying we love each other too soon, or talking about kids. If he is not asking for space, but doesn't call or text what does that mean? Could he feel obligated to November? He told me if I wanted to date other men then go ahead, but he assures me everything will be fine with us.

Its like he is not holding me back, but doesn't quite want to let me go. Should I forget about him, or give it till November? Also, there has not been any sex. The attraction, and desire is definitely there, but the timing hasn't been right on both our parts.



Edited/T

[Cat1864]

If he is giving you the go ahead to date other men, is he dating other women?

Only he can tell you what is going on in his life and mind and he doesn't seem to want to share.

I would end the confusion and go about my own life as though he wasn't a part of it. Go out and have fun. If you meet someone you want to have dinner with, go for it.

Don't allow his confusion to infect you. Whether you realize it or not, you are still healing and letting go of the baggage from your marriage. You don't need someone in your life playing what amounts to childish games.

Quite frankly, I am wondering if you are getting a bit too serious with a new person so close to ending your marriage.

[I wish]

Seems to me that he's a huge rebound for you after your divorce. You both of obviously have a lot of questions that need to be answered but this can't be rushed. The ink on your divorce papers aren't even dry yet. You should be focusing on healing from the divorce, not jumping on the rebound guy.

As for him, he's going to need to figure things out. He will talk to you when he's ready. Pushing him for an answer is only going to make him rush into a decision.

Instead of waiting by the phone for him to call or feeling like he's dragging things out, focus on recovering from your divorce. It seems like you just jumped from one relationship to the next without any time in between.

[Jake2008]

You don't know this man very well I would say.

What do you really know about him. Is he/was he also married but separated/divorced when you were seeing each other? Have you ever been to his home? Does he have children? Do you have children?

What is the reasoning behind waiting until November to avoid people talking. Why does that matter now that you are divorced, and he is presumably single.

All I can add to what has already been said is, if I were divorced, and began dating a single man, I would not be keeping it all a secret. Maybe that is the part that that's thrown a wrench into a possible relationship with him.

Why not just go to his house, knock on the door and ask him to sit and talk about it.

[riptowngirl]

My marriage was over a long time ago. It was my decision to leave and I haven't regreted it. As for knowing the man, I have been to his house a few times. He was married to a woman that he says was suicidal,alcoholic and abusive and put him and his son through a lot. They separated about 5 yrs ago and divorced 3yrs ago. From what I know he hasn't been in a "serious" relationship since. He opened up to me about this very early on. He seems to be past it. Maybe he's not. Part of the reason for keeping it a secret for now is because he is considerably older than I am. I asked him also if he had really thought about how people would respond to us being a couple and if he could handle that. He said yes. I don't show up at his house uninvited because his son does not know about me and I don't want him to feel backed into a corner.

However, I let him know two days ago that I needed to take my own space. To figure out what I want. His reaction wasn't great but I'm really not to concerned anymore. I shed my last tear. I'm doing a lot better and I took back control. Im taking this time to focus on myself and reevaluate my standards and how I will allow myself to be treated. If there is ever a future for us then he will have to live up to those standards and I will make sure it goes much slower with no secrets! Either way, whether I know him as well as I believe I do or have just been niave, My experiences with him have taught me a lot, which I will always appreciate and love him for. As for a future together, we will see...

[talaniman]

You sure assume a lot from your REBOUND ROMEO. He told you to date others, and that's telling. I think he loaded you full of baloney that you wanted to hear, and now you can't see, or hear anything but him.

If he were my friend, I would tell him to stay away from you until you were divorced for a year at least, but since you wrote first, he is a rebound that you looked so forward to that you are blind to anything else.

Want proof? Why must he tell you that he isn't ready, before you leave him alone, and seek your own life without him? You have already latched onto this fellow in a very unhealthy way.

Leave him alone, and build a happy life for yourself without him, and stand for yourself, instead of falling for the first thing that came along.

[Cat1864]

Your marriage may have been over in all but name a 'long' time ago, but the actual leaving, divorce, healing and moving on are new.

Take time to build a strong foundation to build the rest of your life on.

[riptowngirl]

Talaniman, I have to say I agree with a lot of what you said. I know I definitely lost perspective. Despite the fact that I know when a guy is really into me or not, I let my feelings for him get the best of me. You are right in the fact that when he told me to "date other men" it was very telling in itself. I let the circumstances and his words AROUND that statement confuse me. Its hard to sum up 9 months of this so called "relationship" in a few short paragraphs, so it's easy for me to see that you too are assuming a little bit. I know that in the beginning his intentions were honest. The bologna didn't start until later and yes I did look so forward to him that it blinded me, I did attach myself in an unhealthy way. I don't need proof of that. I would be lying if I said I was completely over him,I wouldn't log on here if I was. Yours and everyone else's advise is wanted and very much apprieciated, but as I said before I AM leaving him alone. I AM focusing on being happy without him. As far as jumping on the "first thing that came my way".I know I am still young, have a lot to learn and all to often my common sense fails me. However, I am a full time student carrying a 4.0 GPA, easily passing classes with the highest grades, one class in which some highly educated people struggle just to pass, so I consider myself intelligent. I also consider myself modestly attractive and confident. He wasn't the first guy that has shown interest or the last. I don't try to catch any oppurtunity that blows my way. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, which I all to often do with everyone. I would say lessoned learned, but I would much rather be that way then close my heart up. As for my divorce... my ex-husband put me through a lot. I left him when I got to a point that I didn't care anymore, which was over a year ago. There has not been any point (with or without my "rebound")that I have felt pain or felt I needed healing from my divorce. Not to say you are wrong, but maybe I am have hardened myself to him and the whole situation. Either way,I am happy without him.I think my subject heading should have been "what is going through my mind!?" instead of "what is going through his mind?" I am curious though,what would drive any man really, to hold onto to a woman he is not interested in and lead her on, with nothing obvious to gain??

[talaniman]

I cannot speak to his personal motives for his actions, as without investigating his words and actions objectively, who can know? What I do know, from experience, and observation over years is that its really easy to latch on to another person to feel better about yourself, or just to have some one close to help through hard times.

That is my suggestion was about as nearly all initial meetings start great, and fill us with hope, and degrade later for whatever reason. I mean you know to well how a marriage starts great and degrades to a point where its time to go, and relationships are but a small mirror into that dynamic.

I don't think it matters one bit about his motives, words, or actions. None at all. I think what you do for yourself and your motives and reasons for the choices YOU make, are what important.

In your specific case here, it was you who decided to divorce, and line up your next relationship ahead of that divorce being final. I get you had been finished long ago, but now your grand plan has a glitch in it, and you need a way forward.

Forget the guy, and the relationship, and get your own head together, and give yourself a chance to succeed in finding your own happiness by taking time to see ALL your options, and opportunities, now that you have your complete freedom. Gather the facts, and not just make decisions based on feelings. Especially those feelings that less than ideal situations bring about. Like a divorce.

Identifying your own adjustments to be made now, makes his motives irrelevant. Disappointing when our plans don't work to perfection, but its an excellent opportunity to reexamine our own motives, and objectives, and make better decisions for ourselves.

What stands out the most, is you don't know why he is doing what he is doing, and are confused, clearly a lack of honest communications. As a mature (?) guy myself, no way would I give a recently divorced female my heart without a helluva lot of investigation. No way would I have committed to what you want, on your terms without a thorough examination of YOUR motives. No way would I be in a hurry to even investigate your motives so soon after your divorce. Maybe he is being cautious, I don't know, but he has to see the considerable risk of giving you what you want, when you want it, and how you want it.

Any man would, and I don't care about that fantastic intense chemistry either. That could well be lust, and you don't need a degree to know that. And you don't need to be smart in school to know that LUST fades, Love grows, and most people have a hard time knowing the difference. TIME always tells. Give yourself a good healthy dose of TIME!!

Last questions, how old are you both, and how do you know he has nothing to gain by his actions??

[riptowngirl]

Talaniman,Thank you for your insight. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing you are an older gentleman. There IS a different level of maturity in most older men then most younger men, so it's nice to hear your perspective. You gave me what I have been searching for. I hope you don't feel I was trying to insult your intellegence, I was only trying to make the point that I have things to offer in a relationship, that I'm not some dumb desperate woman who falls for any man that talks to me. I was however, desperate to hold onto to this man because I do love him. This seems to be the pattern that a lot of relationships fall under. I believe in most cases this can be when peoples motives get misconstrued.As if fighting for that love=desperate with no life or backing off=alterior motives.Or that's the stereotype anyway. This is also one instance when communication is key. You are right in the fact that I was confused due to lack of communication, which did make me question his motives. I don't pretend to know everything, if I did I would not be on this site asking for advise. Regretfully, although I do have things to offer in a relationship, this was not the time to offer them. If it was we would have not felt the need to keep it a secret, obviously. I should have better prepared myself earlier for whatever our relationship is really meant to be. These are lessons I will definitely take to any -DISTANT- future relationships. As for the lust and love you are right once again. I'M aware of the difference between "lust", "in love" and "love." That became clear to me a long time ago.I brought this up to him before the words were ever spoken to each other. He agreed that we both should know the difference. I said what I meant and to me the words still ring true and from past experiences I know I will always love him, because through my experience with him,good or bad, I have learned something. I WON'T SPEAK FOR HIM in this concern or any. I can only state my experience with him and the words he spoke directly to me. And although you didn't state this directly pertaining to my situation-I would never ask or expect a man to do what I want, when I want and how I want it!yikes! He would ask me what I wanted, I would tell him. If I asked him what he wanted he said it didn't matter what he wanted. In which case I would disagree. Don't know what that was about, but its neither here nor there now. I'm 28 and he is 50. And I didn't state he didn't have anything to gain by his action. I stated he doesn't SEEM to have anything OBVIOUS to gain from his actions. You could be right though, maybe he is just being catious.

[talaniman]

My hope was to convey to you to be more cautious, and temper your action with thoughtful caution, and enjoy being single and free to make decisions based on fact and not just feelings.

I don't know how long you were married, or what happened, but jumping right into a relationship with someone you have yet to understand doesn't sound like a good plan.

No one knows if its lust, or love until the lust has worn off, and you see what's left. Yes I am an older guy, older than your guy, and sorry if I am a bit straight forward, but it doesn't matter what you bring to the table, all that matters in any relationship is that partners have to be willing to work together through honest communications that benefits them both.

Only time can tell if you can both do that.