[thegoodguy]

I have been with my partner for 3 years and have a gorgeous little one year old with her. I am finding myself never initiating sex (something she has noted and aware of)or enjoying sex with her. It's becoming a massive issue in our relationship and I really don't know what to do. I have searched online but haven't really found anything. I love her loads and it's affecting our relationship. We try to talk but I don't have any answers therefore it builds a negative atmosphere around our sex life.

One thing that I know is a major factor is that fact that she is overweight and being a) a guy b) a highly visual person this really does have a negative effect on my desire as shallow as that sounds, it's the just the facts. The last thing I want to do is make her feel bad because of it(she has issues about her weight)and saying "you need to loose weight" - especially as she has had a baby to, I think could be one of the most hurtful things I could say to her. I have subtly championed healthy eating and exercise and hope that I can encourage her to the gym on a regular basis. But if that doesn't work I really don't know what to do.

I know that I don't have any issues with sex or desire in general, though I do get bogged down with work and financial pressures a lot and I know that this doesn't help matters either but I am working on it.

Other potential reasons are that the sex is boring and I am thinking of ways to make it more interesting for us both.

Over to you lovely people. Any thoughts ideas etc are welcome.

[Cat1864]

If you would please give an idea of how old you both are, it may may help give ideas on how to handle your situation.

Over thinking a problem can be an issue in itself. If you are constantly trying to figure out what is going wrong, you could be adding to the stress and shutting down on a subconscious level.

On the subject of her weight:

Is she a stay-at-home mother or does she work outside the home? Is she the primary caretaker of the child? Does she get any time to take care of her own needs? Does she put you and the child first and herself last?

Is the child on a regular schedule and sleeping through the night?

Diet and exercise can only do so much if she is not getting enough rest and taking care of everyone before herself. Worry and stress contribute to making it difficult to lose weight along with medical issues such as Depression (baby blues), hormones, etc.

On boredom in the bedroom:

Do you have time alone together to relax and enjoy each other's presence? Letting the stress of the day melt away while watching a movie or listening to music, can be a way to begin reconnecting emotionally and physically. The emotional bond can change your perception of the physical issues if you allow it.

Give yourself permission to see her as your wife instead of just any woman on the street. Let your love look past the physical aspects. If you truly love her then she is more than her outward appearance to you.

When the baby is asleep and you have time to relax, talk about sex. Talk about fantasies and dreams. Listen to hers. See what might become reality, a shared fantasy, or is better left to think about during masturbation. Go on-line together and explore different thoughts.

Flirt with each other. Get a babysitter for a day and have fun being together. Play games together. There are some adult games available or make up your own.

Changes won't happen overnight, but you can build on each positive thought instead of dwelling on the negatives.

[thegoodguy]

Thanks for the reply and suggestions, I appreciate it very much. To answer you questions and to elaborate a little:

We are in our mid thirties and perhaps I/ we could well be over thinking the problem - I agree that this can became be an issue in itself. However there is some kind of 'desire block' that needs addressing, once I fully understand it I feel that only then can I can relax and focus on fixing it.

Yes she is stay-at-home mother & is she the primary caretaker of the child who is sleeping fine. She is a selfless person and she always puts herself last, I am frequently telling her this and I frequently pay for her to go & get pampered etc when I can - I see my role as very much about looking after her. Maybe I need to do more here, I know it's hard for mothers, but I must add that new fathers don't have it easy either.

We have plenty of time in the evenings and weekends to relax, in fact I suggested that the TV should remain off so we can better interact in various ways. Our emotional bond is OK but I hear you when you say that the it can change my perception of the physical issues. I guess that I need to 'objectify' during sex, in order to enjoy it, that might not sound fair and typically male - the bottom line as I see it is that you need to be attracted to your partner psychically AS WELL AS having that emotional connection.

I will definitely sit down as you have suggested to discuss our fantasies with her (in a fun, exploitative way) and I have been and will continue to try to "build on each positive thought instead of dwelling on any negatives."

Just writing and reading here has already helped.

[Chevy223]

Was she overweight when you met her?

Do you believe that she is our soulmate (in other ways than just sexually)?
Does she stimulate you? Make you think, and laugh?
I don't think that there is much you can do regarding her being overweight, as usually that is an emotional issue. Some women tend to eat the way men masterbate. To fill a void, release endorphins or just because it feels good. I am sure she has many insecurities, but try to be as supportive as possible. I think that if you are truly in love with someone, you can see past petty things like cellulite and the odd jiggly thing. After all, she is the mother of your child.
Regardless, if you are the breadwinner, you have the say in what items are in the house. Please take it upon yourself to go shopping for healthy food. No saturated fats, nothing frozen, whole grains and lots of fruit and vegetables. Offer to cook more often. Tell her that you are concerned about her health and the health of your growing child. Teach her to eat out of necessity not out of boredom or to fill a void. Offer to watch your child more often so she can pursue a hobby. Buy her lingerie..

[thegoodguy]

Thank you Chevy223,

No she wasn't massively overweight when I met her but yes to all of those other things. Don't get me wrong I don't mind a little jiggly and I am not the perfect human specimen by any means myself and I try to stay on top of this but I still have an issue.

We have spoken in the past regard why she is compelled to eat, and yes it is most definatley a comfort thing. This is why I have been encouraging a healthy lifestyle (which includes sporting hobbies) and leaving our baby with her grandparents more often to free up her time.

Bottom line is she (as with most new mothers) is a little trapped as a stay at home mother with little time to spend on herself, so this makes her unhappy and comfort eats I guess. If I can remain positive, help out as much as I can in relieving her with the baby, keep encouragement in doing fun/ active things and get her to see more of her friends I think this will set her on the path to being healthy.

I feel my needs in the bedroom will only improve when this is addressed.