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adamantium84 · Aug 10, 2011, 06:34 PM

Here's the situation. For several months I went into this bank, and always saw the same bank teller. After a while we became flirtatious. I know that she was divorced, and going through the divorce she was pregnant. She is a single mother of 2 small children, one is almost 2 years old, the other is just a few months old.

We have gone on one official date, and several small dates. Every date she always expressed interest, and feelings towards me first. On our actual official date when I dropped her off, I was planning on kissing her on the cheek, and she kissed me. I can tell she was very much interested in pursuing a relationship with me, but a few days later she began to say things like "I have to focus on my kids, and work. I want to be able to be able to give you the time you deserve." and things like that.

Last week she said that right now she felt she can only offer a friendship because of her kids, and she hasn't told me, but I know that her ex, or her ex family, has been possibly butting into our relationship. I know this cause she deletes any comments I post on her Facebook, even the ones that are about ice cream, and has told me she does this cause she doesn't want people knowing her business.

I'm so confused as to what I should do. I do not want to be just friends, and she knows that. I have said that I felt she had feelings for me, and she has not once denied that. Do I try to be a friend, and hope that she sees what she originally saw and wanted to be with, or do I just walk away, and hope that she reaches out to me, and if not I just move on? I'm really confused cause she has said she looks forward to seeing me at the bank, but right now I feel to unsure of what to do, to even go into that branch.

Cat1864 · Aug 10, 2011, 07:34 PM

I am a bit confused on the time line.

How long ago was she divorced? Is she currently pregnant or is that child the months old baby?

I think you need to back up because she sounds like she is confused and maybe concerned she is going from one relationship into another one way too fast. She really needs to take time to heal from her previous relationship.

Being her friend would be okay if you can be just a friend without asking for more and if she is willing to accept your friendship. If you can't give her space and time, then leave her alone and find someone else.

adamantium84 · Aug 10, 2011, 07:50 PM

She found out she was pregnant in October I think.. marriage ended around thanksgiving. We had a few small dates right before her baby was born. And then took about a month hiatus were we just texted after her baby was born, and then we went on what she calls the official first date. There was a very strong connection.. it felt like instead of going one step forward at a time, that evening felt like we jumped 5 steps.. I know I was a little nervous by how quickly my feelings for her developed and I know she felt it also, however I do think she got panicky or a little scared that her feelings for me were that strong that quickly and that's kind of when for the past few weeks I have noticed things are different and when she asks me to be her friend, to me it seems like she is very much trying to keep me in the picture. I do believe that either her ex husband, or someone has suggested she is moving to fast and she has kind of put me on the side lines, if that makes sense. From the beginning we were clear we were going to go slow, but sometimes she words things as if she is sealing up her feelings and not allowing herself to have them. Her maternity leave was extended at it ends this week, next week she goes back to work.. and that's were I know she wants me to go in and visit her on her first day back.. but I am just struggling with I have these feelings for her that she knows about, and I don't want to hurt her by not being there for her, but I also don't want to be there if it isn't going to move forward

ZoeMarie · Aug 10, 2011, 10:01 PM

It sounds like maybe it was just too much too fast. Is her divorce final? Maybe she's just wanting to wait until things are all finalized before she starts a new relationship. I could understand that. Just tell her how you feel and give her some time and space to think about what she wants. It sounds like she's got a lot going on. At least she was honest enough to tell you that she can't give you the time you deserve. She does have a new baby, after all.

I wish · Aug 10, 2011, 10:38 PM

She's got a lot of baggage, so it's not going to be easy for her to sort out her issues.

At the same time, if you already agreed to take things slow and she can't even find a comfortable pace to work with you, then it sounds like you need to move on.

If you really like her, then stand your ground and tell her how you feel and that you would respect any pace that she would like to take. But if she can't even find a pace that works for her, then it sounds more like she does not feel the same way about you anymore.

She may have saw something at one point, so she gave both of you a chance, which is why she kissed you, but she may not feel the same way anymore.

Cat1864 · Aug 11, 2011, 07:24 AM

Reality check: She has been through (not quite) a year of emotional upheaval. She has been through a pregnancy, a divorce, and has two small children (one only months old) and she hasn't taken time to allow the emotional dust to settle. Her hormones haven't even had a chance to begin to go back to anything close to pre-pregnancy levels. She is probably also dealing with the sleeplessness/exhaustion that new mothers go through plus she appears to be doing it mainly on her own. She may have her ex and in-laws adding their issues to the mix.

Is she still going through the divorce? Is her ex trying to get custody of the children? Is he (or his family) calling her morals, lifestyle, etc. into question? Are they trying to make her feel like a horrible parent if she doesn't do things their way?

She doesn't need a lover or boyfriend. She needs a friend who can be there for her while she works through a whole lot of baggage. She needs support not more demands on her time and emotions.

Are you really sure you want her to make any major decisions about your relationship right now? Do you really need to know where she sees the relationship going at this moment?

talaniman · Aug 13, 2011, 04:08 PM

Leave her alone guy, as you don't have the self control to be a patient friend, because you want more than that, and she has a life to rebuild, and has no room for a fake friend with an agenda, and selfish motives. I am being direct, since you obviously can't see her side, nor empathize enough to put your own feelings before her concerns.

She has enough to deal with without you adding to it. Find a nice girl to date and have fun with, and let her get her life together.