[Just00Lookin]

I've been with this man for four years. He won a free trip to Italy from his job. About a week before he was to leave (in April) I found out he was taking a girl with him. When I confronted him about it he confessed that she was a friend that he had known as long as we've been together.
I found out that he's been taking her to fancy dinners, parties and special events as well. He never asked me to go to any of these things. His excuse was that he didn't think I'd be interested in that stuff. He never mentioned her name. He had other female friends that he talked about a lot but he never introduced me to any of them. I never minded because I trusted him completely! This girl was a secret. Why?

When I found out he was taking her to Italy I flipped and told him if he took her I'd never see him again. He said OK and agreed to uninvite her. A couple of weeks after he got back I found out (her Facebook pics) that he did take her and told her not to post the pics so I wouldn't find out but she did anyway.
I know they never slept together. I do think he's infatuated with her although he denies it. I think she knows this and plays into it to get all the good stuff he can offer like movie premieres and expensive events.

I know I should dump him because the trust is gone and if he respected me this would never have happened. I think this girl is playing him for a fool and doesn't care one bit about being his real friend. She is 23, I'm 31, he's 43.
He thinks this is all OK because he didn't sleep with her and because he didn't think I'd want to go to all the stuff he took her to. He never asked me to go to Italy either. He thought I'd say I couldn't go (which is right) but I thought he was going alone. He never mentioned that he could take someone.

I can't get over it. He refuses to end their "friendship" because he says that's all it is.
He still talks to her and sees her.
Does it matter that he didn't sleep with her? What would you do if you were me? I know he would dump me if I did this to him.

[HistorianChick]

Yikes... I don't think that it is appropriate for your boyfriend to take another girl (even if she is just a friend) on a European vacation, period. If anyone, he should have taken you!

If it was just a situation where your boyfriend had a female friend, that happens. Yes, it is possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex.

This is not that simple. As you say, he takes her out to expensive dinners, parties, etc, while you sit at home and do nothing. This is wrong. It's wrong on a whole different level to take her to Italy. Wow.

You were honest with him. You told him that you'd end the relationship if he took her. He didn't care and took her anyway, told her to hide it from you, and expected to not get "caught." Now you need to follow through with what you said. You end the relationship.

This isn't something that you can just sweep under the rug. A few dinners here and there is one thing... this is just downright wrong.

I'm sorry, but I think you should do what you said and dump him.

Never make someone a priority in your life when all you are to them is an option for fulfillment. Period.

Best of luck.

[SadButTrue70]

Agreed!

[SadButTrue70]

Well see if this helps. I know a woman that had a nice life with her husband and daughter. He was over weight and nothing special. One day he says he needs to get healthy, worked out all the time, then said he couldn't take her mood swings anymore as she had just went through early menopause. She was devastated. He wanted her out of the house. She left she cried she was a mess. She said I trust him and I know there is no one else. He is just done with me. I was skeptical.
A year later, we found out that not only was he lying about their being someone else, but this someone else had been living with him. He had lied about many things.
Nice dinners, secrecy, a trip to Italy? I would put money on their being more than a friendship. I'm sure your heart tells you the same. It hurts. I know this too well. I know I have wanted others to hurt the way I hurt. That doesn't help either. Be strong, I know that doesn't help but people always say it to me when I'm in your situation.

[phillysteakandcheese]

I know they never slept together.

How can you know that?

Is that a technical truth, as in "we never had intercourse, just oral"..

You've already established that he is keeping secrets, telling you lies, and is unwilling to give up his interest in this young woman.

How much more do you need to find out about before it tips the scale?

[Just00Lookin]

Thanks for the repsonses everyone. I know what I should do. I've known from the moment I found out. I guess I just needed someone to tell me I wasn't making too big a deal about it. It's hard to make a clean break. Except for being a big fat liar he's a really great guy. I don't want these past four years to be a waste. Oh well...

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, and I would say that I would be about 99 percent sure they had sex, sorry this was not a business trip for her, she was his young lady friend, and would be sharing his room.

He is taking her to fancy things as a show, and using you for the safe.

[talaniman]

This ain't about them having sex, or even being friends. This is about the agreement you made to each other, and if you are just friends without any agreement, then he is free to do as he pleases, as are you.

Four years is a long time to not be in a DEFINED, and mutually agreed to relationship. Unless there was never any agreement.

You tell me.

[Just00Lookin]

yes, and I would say that I would be about 99 percent sure they had sex, sorry this was not a business trip for her, she was his young lady friend, and would be sharing his room.

He is taking her to fancy things as a show, and using you for the safe.

I know for a fact they didn't have sex. I know it seems stupid but trust me, now that I know he lied my eyes are wide open. I did enough digging and snooping when I found out and before I confronted him to be satisfied that there is nothing physical going on. I still think he might have an infatuation with her but that's as far as it goes.

[Just00Lookin]

This ain't about them having sex, or even being friends. This is about the agreement you made to each other, and if you are just friends without any agreement, then he is free to do as he pleases, as are you.

Four years is a long time to not be in a DEFINED, and mutually agreed to relationship. Unless there was never any agreement.

You tell me.

We were in a defined and mutually agreed to relationship. He is not free to take other girls on vacation. I would never do this to him. I would never see a guy friend without telling him and I certainly wouldn't go on vacation with another guy.

[talaniman]

Then that makes him a liar and cheater whether they had sex, or not, doesn't it?? Does in my book. And that's a deal breaker in my book also.

[Just00Lookin]

Having to defend him is making me less angry at him. He didn't sleep with her. I know he didn't. This is about him lying to me and taking her to Italy after I asked him not to and then trying to keep it from me. Why did he take her? Because I couldn't go and he didn't want to show up to the work banquet alone. I know that but he still shouldn't have taken her and lied to me about it. It's hard for me to make the break because I know he didn't sleep with her.

[amicon]

Why should you have to defend him?

He's gone behind your back and ''befriended'' a girl twenty years his junior.

Sex or no sex,this kind of behaviour merits one thing only-the boot!

[vanheart]

I hope you got your answer here. This has been going on. Behind your back.

When someone pulls that. Then exit. NC. Period.

Would you do what he did? No.

You should have left the minute you found out he was taking some other girl.
***? He won a free trip & didn't take you? His girl?

What balls. I can't even imagine. Like he thought that was OK.

At least now you know you weren't his #1.

Forget him. Loser.

Be aware next time. Don't ever allow this treatment.

[HistorianChick]

After reading all the responses and your responses to the responses (that was a fun sentence, wasn't it?), I am come to the question of "Why don't you think you're important enough to value a mutually exclusive commitment?"

Why don't you think you're worth a man committing himself to you? You're in a relationship with a man that doesn't see anything wrong with taking another girl to things that he should take his girlfriend to.

Honestly, in my opinion, it's not about whether they had sex or did not. It is about the lack of courtesy that he is showing to you. He is not valuing you as his partner, nor is he respecting your wishes.

... and they're not off the wall wishes! I mean, if you told him that you were going to leave him if he didn't get a mohawk and dye it purple and pink to match your chihuahua, I'd tell you that you're crazy. But you didn't. You asked him not to take a 20-something young, single, free woman to Italy. One of the most romantic countries on earth. On a free vacation.

Take the question of sex out of the equation. Bare bones problem: he doesn't respect you, value your opinion, or think you're worth his full attention.

That's a problem.

[Just00Lookin]

I know what you guys are saying is right. As far as I'm concerned it was over when I found out. I keep bringing it up and telling him the same things you are telling me. He just says it's not what I think it is, he's sorry and she's just a friend. He didn't think I'd want to go to the stuff he took her to and he was so wrong for taking her to Italy and he wished he hadn't.

I'm seeing him tonight and I'll try again to get him to see it my way. I don't think it will make me want him again. I guess I just want him to choose me. I know he probably won't. I either have to forget it and forgive him or break it off for good. I can't forget it so...

[amicon]

Come back and tell us how it went.

And break up with him-you deserve so much better a man.

[CarrotTalker]

He didn't think I'd want to go to the stuff he took her to

This is just lip service. So he's basically making every decision for you, without even asking if you were interested? What next, telling you what type of clothes to wear or what foods you should eat?

he wished he hadn't.

No, he wishes you hadn't found out.

[SadButTrue70]

I hope it went okay. I think it's a pride thing, It would be for me. You feel stupid after having that happen right under your nose. When trust is betrayed we end up feeling like less of a person. It's not that you want him. You just know you are the better person for him. Him choosing you would validate this in your mind. Even if you don't want him and will never trust him again you feel like you need something for what you went through. We all feel this way when wronged. You are not less of a person because he did this to you. I think deep down you feel that. If you want him (or think you want him) ask to meet this girl. Hang out with the woman that goes on "dates" with your Boyfriend. See if she is someone you want as a fixture in your relationship. That's what she is right now. Maybe it is harmless and she is just a good friend. Then you should be her friend too. I don't think this is the case but <shrug>

[Just00Lookin]

Well, it's done. I told him the same thing I've been saying since April. He gave me the same excuses.

He asked me early in our relationship to go with him to an event. I said I didn't want to go. He was upset that I wouldn't go and told me that if I didn't want to go to things like that he would take other people. That would have been fine with me.

What isn't fine with me is that he never asked me to go to anything again. He never gave me a chance to say yes or no. The one he took to Italy seems to be the go to girl. He never told me about her or introduced us. She lived down the street and was available and eager to go to any event. She had a boyfriend during the Italy trip and he wasn't too happy when she told him she was going. But at least she told him!

I just can't get over it. Yes, it is a matter of pride. It bothers me that she knew I didn't want her to go but he took her anyway. I feel like she won the battle now I have to win the war. I need for him to tell her that I'm more important than her. I need him to choose me. I don't think he believes that I'm really done. We haven't even kissed since this happened yet he still acts like everything is fine.

Once he realizes it's really over for me he'll be sorry. She only wants to be his friend because he takes her to these things. If she found a hot guy that could do the same she'd forget my guy in a second. He's admitted that he knows that's true. He knows she wouldn't choose him.
So I don't see why it's so hard for him to just end the "friendship". Looking at it from his side I guess it would be hard to end a friendship but if it meant the end of our relationship then I think I would do it. I know it's not an easy thing to cut all ties with someone you've known for so long but it's what I needed him to do.

Myself esteem is not injured. There is nothing about this girl that is better than me. She's not smarter or prettier, she doesn't have a better body and she doesn't look better on his arm. She is an attractive girl who's willing to go to stuff when he doesn't want to look like a loser showing up alone. I do not want to mingle with his waspy friends at museum galas. She loves it. She can keep on enjoying it.

The sad thing is that if he had just introduced us I probably would have really liked her and thanked her for going to things I didn't want to go to. I'm not a jealous person and I never had a problem with him having female friends. He blew it by assuming I'd be angry and jealous. He was a sneak and I can't stand that. He's asked me to meet her now but there is no way I want to see her. I would be disgusted.

Sorry this is so long but thanks to all who answered. I didn't tell anyone I know because it's kind of embarrassing and I didn't want people to hate him. He's not a bad guy. He's just stupid. I needed to hear from other people that they would feel the same and he is an idiot! Thank you.