[ibanezgal175]

Oh God where do I start. Okay my husband went online and chatted with strange women and ex girlfriends and they sent him naked pics and the conversations were very sexual and when I read the conversations they had it tore me to pieces. For one I had just married him. Why couldn't I have found this before we got married?

Anyway when I asked him about it he was so enraged and denied it till I showed him the print out of the conversations. He said some really mean stuff that stabbed me in the heart and I punched him then he jumped on me slapped me in my face like 8 times while he choked me on the bed. I admit I hit him first but wow where did this Billy come from? He had never seamed violent before. So we went to counseling and the only thing we got out of that was that He was raised that men work and take care of there family and they don't show there emotions.

He promised he would be different and he change for a few months but then changed into this invert with no emotions, I had a miscarriage he was not there for me emotionally, I had surgery on my ear and he was not there for me, We broke up and he left me with all these bills and I had to get 3 jobs. I found out I was pregnant and so we got back together.

So here I am 3 years after the wedding. What a crappy life this has been already. I feel so alone and I need love and affection in my life. But we have this little baby and he goes to work everyday and I work full time too and he will provide anything for us that we need because he does love us but he is emotionally unavailable and when we have sex it's all about him I never get an orgasm. He's always ruff and I have told him I need affection and for him to touch me softer.

I need depth between us if that makes any sense. His family is all pretty disconnected emotionally not a huggy lovey type of family so I feel bad for him that he can't open up to me but I need this and I can only be lonely for so long. How do I get him to say what he feels or is thinking without it always being an angry blame game. I really do love him and I want this to work. I want us to be happy again. I have a 13 year old daughter from my 1st marriage and he has two girls ages 9 & 10 from his previous marriage so there is a lot on the line here, more then just me and him.

As of right now I have stopped having sex with him. I've decided if he doesn't care if I am comfortable or turned on then no way am I going to let him use me well that's how it feels. But this can't go on like this forever.

[odinn7]

I can't really tell you much that you probably don't already know deep down inside. You can't change him, it won't happen. You can't make someone more affectionate and you can't change who they are and have been.

From this point, you have to decide how much you are willing to put up with. Do you want to continue like this? Is it really worth it? You may want to consider divorce. I know it's not as easy as it sounds but that's all up to you and how much you are willing to put up with.

Good luck.

[joypulv]

Some men marry to have a mother (for them, as well as the kids) and housekeeper.
You can go back to counseling, accept each other for who you are, or get divorced.
I am a little bit suspicious of the one thing you say you learned from counseling. I have a feeling you ears might have been turned off when the counselor told him what he was to do and not do.
Counseling should be about methods for talking with each other, exercises to do, not lectures and taking sides.
Maybe interview another one.
A good counselor has you talk to each other in a sort of classroom way, where you say 'When this happens, I feel that way,' and the spouse replies in a constructive way. It's formal and sounds silly but it works.
And you aren't allowed to say 'You make me feel unloved, unappreciated, etc.' People don't make people do things unless they have guns pointed at their heads. You allow yourself to feel these feelings. When you free yourself from the victim personality, you are better able to face relationships.

[ibanezgal175]

Thanks, I did have a hard time selecting a counselor. All of them where faith based except for this lady and we paid $100 for an hour once a week for about 2 months and me and Billy only had one serious conversation because he would just spend the whole time talking about his motel he's working on with his sister, and his deer fence and tractor and conversations with friends, nothing that had to do with me and him. I don't want to go to a church setting where Im told Im the woman and Im supposed to clean and take care of the kids and he is supposed to work and we just need to pray about everything. A good counselor is not easy to find.

[joypulv]

It sounds like you wasted $800 on a counselor who wasn't able to stop your husband from getting off track. Marriage counseling isn't therapy, and you may have gone to a therapist who really isn't trained in marriage counseling.

It is interesting that your husband was willing to go at all, so that's a good sign.
I would try to put the internet women on the back burner for a while. Men! They just are so geared for that. Two monks could be talking about God but if a pretty woman walks by, their heads will follow her without even thinking.
They are like kids who steal from the cookie jar and lie about it. It doesn't mean they are bad kids, don't love their parents, and are going to grow up to be liars and thieves.

If you want cheap home made marriage counseling, get some paper and pencils, sit down with each other, draw a line down the middle, and list what bothers you about the other person. Then talk about each one, taking turns, and come up with a solution or trade (you hug me when you get home, and I won't complain about the dirty socks). Have a beer or glass of wine or my favorite, pina colada, but not more than 2. This is serious (with the edge taken off). Get some gold stars and put them on each thing on the list when you are able to do it. Hang them on the fridge. You could have penalties for failing, like he has to do the dishes or you have to go a whole week without a smooch.

Yep, sometimes marriage is 'I'll trade you 3 M&Ms for your Coke.'

[Fr_Chuck]

I know my wife and I went and spoke to 4 counselors before we picked one, and then still changed after about a month.

Many offer services based on income also. And faith base does not mean it has to even be your faith, My wife and I who are not Methodist went to a Methodist counselor for a bit, and ended up with a AME pastor who is a counselor.

Next they are not there to give you answers but to give you things to consider and think about.

[ibanezgal175]

Thank you. This really sounds like it could work. I don't think it is silly and I am definitely going to try this out. Talking about what bothers us will be the hardest part to master. Thanks again.