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KittyKitten · Mar 18, 2011, 09:02 AM

I have been with my husband for almost 3 years now. He used to show some affection but it's so rare now I feel so empty. I am lucky if he gives me a kiss good bye. When I ask him "why" he claims he doesn't like "all that lovey-dovey stuff" which is not what he used to say when we were dating. He refuses to sleep in the same bed as me for over a year now. When we have sex it's because I have begged for "it" but only because I desperately crave physical touch and that is the only way to receive it. Sadly, it's all he can do to have sex with me without touching me. There is absolutely no foreplay, no touching, rubbing, kissing, nothing. He will even wake me up in the middle of the night and have sex with me when I am barely awake. He just does his thing, with me awake or not, and leaves abruptly. He gets angry with me if I try and hug him or hold his hand. There is a big age difference between us (he is 18 years my junior) and we have been through a lot but have always returned to each other and worked things out. He even makes up lies to not spend time with me. I am not horrible or ugly or anything negative like that. I do not believe that he is having an affair. But I feel like he despises me. It hurts so much. I have been reading some of the other questions/answers in response to a similar situation and it makes me sad that so many other women are going through this. I feel like there are more important things to worry about in the world other than my husband's selfish sexual behavior and I feel guilty even presenting this problem but it's bothering me to the point of leaving him so I better do something quick.

Wondergirl · Mar 18, 2011, 09:24 AM

Does he avoid social interactions with others?

How is his eye contact?

Does he have very specific or focused interests?

KittyKitten · Mar 18, 2011, 10:29 AM

Thank you for responding. He has no problem whatsoever with his social itneraction with others. He does not avoid eye contact and his interests are typically male: fishing, engine repair, outdoors, etc.

DaniCalifornia · Mar 19, 2011, 07:09 AM

It sounds like he's treating you terrible!

Have you had a chat to him about how you feel? Let him know you're serious.

It's unnacceptable to wake a woman up for sex! Next time he does it, say no. I know how you feel, my last partner (Who turned abusive) would only become intimate when it suited him, and never satisfied my needs!

Xx Dani G

Cat1864 · Mar 19, 2011, 08:18 AM

How long have you been together and how old is he?

Did you get married after having to convince people the age difference didn't matter? Is staying married a matter of pride (perhaps for him?) or love and a desire to build a strong relationship and future together?

How is the marriage other than the intimacy and affection? Can you communicate and compromise on other subjects?

You might think about marriage counseling. However, it may be a better idea to find counseling for yourself and then a divorce attorney. Unless he is willing to do another turn around and work on the marriage and intimacy, I don't see things getting better. Instead I see them getting worse. You do not deserve to be treated this way and you should not allow it.

Love does not mean giving up our self-respect or dignity to make another person 'happy'. Right now, it does not sound like either of you are happy in the marriage, with each other or yourselves. That is not a healthy marriage.

Take care of yourself and your happiness. If he is willing to communicate and/or go to counseling, great. If not, let this relationship go and allow yourself to move forward. Find your happiness inside yourself.

Edited to add a very important word. Thanks WG for bringing that to my attention.

KittyKitten · Mar 22, 2011, 04:52 PM

Thank you, Cat, for your input. You really sound like you know what you are talking about. We have been together (as a result of an affair) for almost 3 years now. We were married one week after my divorce to my first husband (of 27 years) was final. I fell for him hard as he was my "rescuer" from an awful marriage and he showered me with attention and affection in so many ways until I finally started actually seeing him. When I did start seeing him I immediately left my first husband (within 4 days). I know this all must sound really strange. It's really hard to tell our age difference. People are usually shocked when they find out. I am currently seeking therapy for other personal issues and we have seen a marriage counselor that specialises in inter-racial and inter-cultural marriages (he's West Indian and I am a white American). I have faith in God, I want to make this marriage work (regardless of how we started or where we are now). The pain in my heart is just so bad.

KittyKitten · Mar 22, 2011, 04:54 PM

Thank you, Dani, for your answer. Yes, I have spoken to him about it and he's very silent or sometimes he becomes verbally aggressive and starts swearing and yelling at me to "go away" or he'll go away. I am working on this with therapy, prayers, and of course this online website.

JudyKayTee · Mar 23, 2011, 07:44 AM

I don't find it unacceptable (or abusive) to wake a woman up for sex. I have no problem waking my husband up for sex. It's not instead of sex at other times and, quite frankly, my husband feels flattered - and there's no abuse in my marriage in either direction.

I wonder if the husband isn't experiencing some type of emotional fallout on several levels - the age difference, having had an affair (which can be terribly exciting, unfortunately, but then you marry and that excitement is pretty much gone), cultural differences. Maybe he can't verbally express his concerns, feelings, sadness, whatever.

When there are two religions, cultures, a wide difference in age involved I think a relationship takes extra work.

Which age group do you socialize with - yours or his? I do believe people often don't expect to see an age difference and, therefore, don't see it. I am surprised that an 18 year difference isn't obvious. (Good for the OP!)

Cat1864 · Mar 23, 2011, 09:58 AM

Originally Posted by KittyKitten

He will even wake me up in the middle of the night and have sex with me when I am barely awake. He just does his thing, with me awake or not, and leaves abruptly.

It is one thing to wake someone up for mutual pleasure. It is another to use someone as a masturbatory aid, which is what it sounds like the op's husband is doing.

I know you want to work things out with your current husband, but I am wondering if you need some time on your own to find your own feet. Is he really the one you 'love' or was your 'rescuer' the one you fell in love with?

Do you know how to make yourself feel good and happy? Do you look to him to validate how good you look or to make you feel loved? In other words, how secure are you in how you feel about yourself?

Has counseling been helping?

talaniman · Mar 23, 2011, 10:58 AM

Frankly it appears you jumped from one guy to another looking for instant happiness. While gratitude is understandable, marrying the rescuer left you with no time to heal, and reflect on yourself, or even get to know this new stranger you allowed in your life.

I can even understand why you want this to work so badly, rather than face the prospect of yet another failed marriage. I don't see that happening until you both can communicate to each other though, and as long as he is unwilling to even discuss things, then you are stuck with the fact that you will be the only one working on this marriage. That will never work, until you accept him as he is, and cope with his inabilities, or leave and cope with yourself.

Maybe he did give you the strength to leave a bad marriage, but this one will be no better until you put yourself first, and stand for yourself, and your own well being, and get a life you are happy with by yourself. What you thought he would shower you with gifts and be all attentive forever? He has what he wants, so why change what he is doing? He won't change, but somehow you will have to change yourself, to be who you want to be, and know what you want, and how to get it.

Depending on him to make you happy won't work, you are seeing that now. So you better take full responsibility for your own happiness, and do what you have to because its not his being selfish that's the problem, its your own willingness to put up with it that's the real problem. And that's what needs changing.

So why have you put up with his "selfish" behavior so long??

KittyKitten · Mar 25, 2011, 02:26 PM

Thank you so much, Talaniman for your good advice. You are right on so many levels. I am currently receiving therapy and medication to deal with my inner demons (mental/emotional illness) as I know this is a direct result of me "putting up" with his behavior. You are oh so right when you stated that it is up to the individual to create their own happiness. I am learning everyday the appropriate steps to take. Thank you very much.

KittyKitten · Mar 25, 2011, 02:30 PM

I think it's obvious that we both suffer (as I am sure so many others in the world do) from some emotional issues. Mine run very deep and I have been receiving therapy for close to 30 years. I have many diagnoses and everyday I am researching and trying my best to do the right thing. Yes, counseling helps. But like someone said in another answer, if he (my husband) won't seek help then it's only one of us working at trying to repair the damage and learn the correct things to do in our marriage. I am sick of hating myself, being insecure, and being heartbroken over all the abuse and neglect I have received in my life. I don't quite know yet how to properly care for myself without help but I know one day when I will it will be a dream come true.Thank you again.

KittyKitten · Mar 25, 2011, 02:36 PM

Hi Judy. What you have said makes a lot of sense. If things were "normal" or even a little bit better in our sex life then doing something like waking another person up in the middle of the night would be acceptable. But when you are as pathetic as I am and have to resort to begging for affection (ie. "Please will you hug me for just a minute! Please! All I want is to just feel you for a minute!") and knowing that he makes like it is such a chore for him to give me 1 - 5 minutes in a 24 hour period of his time, well, that is completely unacceptable. I have also taken into consideration the cultural/religion differences and the fact that he is a lot younger and even taking all these things into consideration, he is still a grown man and a productive human being with medium to high intelligence therefore I can't find this to be a good excuse. I am patient and willing to do what it takes to make this marriage work. I really do love him (obviously) and I am working on myself, also.

loveandpassion · Jul 30, 2011, 10:41 AM

If you have to "beg" for love or affection or sex from your partner, something is very wrong. The fact that you would reduce yourself to living with crumbs in my opinion is indicative of an all-consuming neediness in you. No other person can, nor should be expected to fill such a deep void and ultimately they will resent you and be angry because it's not a give and take relationship. 30 years of therapy? You've got to be kidding! Obviously you're seeing the wrong therapist... or the wrong form of therapy. You feel he despises you, but it's more like you despising yourself for tolerating such garbage from him and not protecting your heart and soul... that's YOUR responsibility. You have to find your strength and find love and acceptance for yourself. Your focus on what he's failing to give you only keeps the nightmare going and stops you from giving to yourself. "Desperately craving" anything from another human being keeps you trapped looking for love outside of yourself. There are very powerful techniques to resolve core issues... you don't have to live this way. It's not YOU he despises... it's your neediness... the same thing you despise in yourself. You're not a fully functioning happy person... you NEED him to complete you and rescue you some more... therefore you have nothing to give to him and he's rightfully angry and feels shortchanged.
Check into EFT and also check out Tom Stone's work (amazingly fast and effective)... do some online research... then consider getting a new therapist and a new life. You're destroying yourself by giving someone else the power to make or break your happiness. Put your focus and attention where it belongs... ON YOURSELF.