[Homegirl 50]

I know you did not like my comment but I go back to the point that you two may not be compatible. You two are at odds with a number of things. It may be time to re evaluate the relationship to see if it is worth continuing. Maybe you both could do some couples counseling.

[talaniman]

So you say you are out of your own comfort zone, and have to take crap from a fellow that knows, or thinks you are a weak, helpless, drama queen??

Don't get all sensitive, and defensive on me, just asking. That is the picture you have painted.

[HurtScorpio]

To Talaniman-Hmmm... I am unsure what you mean. I am definitely oversensitive no doubt however I do feel my boyfriend plays on that weakness. To try to explain, every person I have dated has given me the line that they,"can not believe that a person like YOU would go out with a guy like ME." so I suppose in their eyes, not in mine, they have viewed themselves to have a "trophy girlfriend" in ways of looks, good job, intelligence, etc. when most of these guys were "losers". This guy also said this to me in the beginning and from outward appearances he has the same type of "look" but on the other hand is NOT a loser as he has a good job, good morales,you get my point. The reason I am explaining all this is I feel that once he realized I had low self esteem he saw he could manipulate me like clay to try to create the "perfect woman". He made it clear he will not be with a "fat girl" which I am far beyond but now I am obsessing over weight and have been doing 2 cardio workouts a day plus dieting and lost 5 lbs. in 1 week trying to reach my "perfect weight". Today we went to a graduation party and he told me I should have my TOENAILS done professionally as ,"you have no idea how to do them." I asked him if he was going to pay for that and he said ,"No!" Granted, this man is now passing gas and thinks it is funny and will not shave when I say he should but does not hold back to tell me if my hair gets frizzy or anything is not just right. Then I tell him I think he wants a barbie for a girlfriend and he laughs and says,"Who wouldn't?" and then later tells me,"You are perfect." Yeah, after he slugs down 4 beers. Told him I did not want to hear it. I wish he would shut his mouth because I am real annoyed. HELP.

[HurtScorpio]

I know we are at odds and we did one couples session at one point to which he concluded, "She agreed with me so this is all you and you need to really fix your way of thinking." Yes, I know that. I have known that since forever and that is what I have been working on but something tells me there is a reason he is 38 years old and single (well he is with me now) but not really had a long term relationship that was a "real" relationship, he was not married,etc. There are lots of years to be having relationships -yes, no doubt I stayed in a dysfunctional marriage trying to make it work but all he had close to that was an on/off 3 year thing with a girl who refused sexual relations with him? Very weird that he sees nothing odd about the lack of relationships and not that he was screwing a bunch of people either.

[Homegirl 50]

Maybe he is single because he wants to be.

He does not seem to have much respect for you or your feelings, I'm not understanding why you want to stay with him.
I think he stays with you because he can control you.

[talaniman]

I just think you take things way to seriously, and try to hard, when you should be yourself, maybe with some brutal honesty of your own. Maybe he is a pushy type and expressive, but you don't have to bend over so far backward to please. Sometimes its better to just stand pat, and do things your way, not his.

Sometimes people are overbearing with us because we let them be. Because he is brutally honest, maybe he wants you to be because that's what he understands.

[Cat1864]

If all he got out of a counseling session was that you are the only one with problems and need to change your way of thinking, why don't you?

Tell him exactly what you are thinking and tell him to 'shut his mouth' if that is how you feel. Stop allowing his attitude to affect how you view yourself.

Quite frankly, he sounds like one of those 'great guys to casually date but I wouldn't want to live with him' types.

I honestly don't think the two of you got to know each other well enough before you moved in. To me, it seems like you both rushed into living together. I think you both need some space and time to adapt to each other when distance isn't a major factor. I know what you have said about your finances and that finding a job hasn't been going very well, but I think you need to find a way to get more personal space and time apart from each other. Even if that is separate rooms, the couch, or a tent in the back-yard.

[HurtScorpio]

I want to try to answer Cat, Talaniman, and Homegirl 50 so here goes:I know he does not want to be single because I spoke to his friends and they have all said that when he was single all he spoke about was wanting to have a girlfriend and be in a relationship. I don't think he "wants" to control me. I think some how it ends up being that way because he is NOT a controlling person w/the exception of his OCD w/cleaning. I think because myself esteem is so low, it is easier for him to manipulate situations to be how he wants them to be. Granted, I did not notice this until we moved in together. I explained several reasons I want to stay I think but of course I do love him (I know blah, blah,blah) but honestly he has been the most mentally stable, emotionally stable, financially stable person I have been with so I do place blame on myself for being a "baby" sometimes. Yesterday I asked him to attempt to not be "so hard on me" with his comments and he agreed but previously in the evening at my 18 year old brother's graduation party he spoek to my mom and they laughed agreeing that I was a "tough cookie w/no sense of humor and overly sensitive." Meanwhile, my other brother, the one who had made the serious suicide attempt locked himself in his bedroom during my other brother's graduation party. Yeah, I was upset over this and they both say to let it go and celebrate for my other brother. I don't know if any of you listen to the band Korn but their lyrical content is emotionally intense and I listened to them on the way to the party and todl my boyfriend I could so much relate to the lyrics which said (not exact)"The stress is stabbing me with daggers and making me bleed,down on my knees,trying to please everyone is stressing me...fake people with their masks putting their daggers into me...bringing me to my knees..and to the best lyric..making me their ******g whore (not literally of course but he means doing everything tp please everyone is stressing him so much that it pains him. The lead singer was abused by his mother and father and knows true emotional pain as do I and as my boyfriend I don't think has ever truly experienced to be able to empathize even a bit to understand I am still grieving for my brother even if he is alive. I am unable ,Talaniman to be as brutally honet as he is b/c I can't hurt a person I love. He even tells he thinks he is ugly, has a big nose, is too skinny and tries to make me agree and I won't b/c even if I did think that, I could not say it. That is why I do not understand why people who love can hurt others so much - I would rather be alone than have someone "stinging and pinching " me emotionally. So, today I told him I felt uncomfortable with him going away for a weekend w/the guys to a football game to see the Steelers in December as I don't like his one friend who I feel is a "pig". He freaked out saying I was delusional, crazy, not right in the head. So, at this point I texted him a message to say the words had to stop or I will leave, start by placing my belongings in storage,etc. We are not speaking at the moment.

[Homegirl 50]

Your not wanting him to go away with friends to a football game because you don't like one of his friends is over the top.
It seems both of you have problems that need to be dealt with and until you do, you won't be good for anybody.
Leaving each other alone may be the best thing for both of you.

[HurtScorpio]

I left a comment and general overall answer for everyone but just to comment I know I try to hard. I think I want some positive feedback. I lost 5 llbs and on my frame you can tell my waist is smaller and my body is toning already with that much exercise and it is as if I have to ask for it. Last night I actually said,"Look at my butt-there is less fat there now." He says,"Yeah I see that -it looks good." Ummm... well, think you could have said so? Considering you don't mind pointing out the negative? LOL He actually said he thought his grandmother was gaining weight when his own father said she appeared to be losing weight. He has a real issue with people who are "fat" or even "chunky" he sees as "fat" -it is like you have to have the body of Gwynyth Paltro (sp) to be thin -that is thin to him. Meanwhile, on Facebook I had posted I was dieting and working out and MY family made several comments saying,"I wish I had a body like that."

[HurtScorpio]

No offense and call me super sensitive but I find your advice quite judgemental and as I viewed your answeres to others questions I also saw that as well. You don't know that this friend sends him daily porn texts and also when I gave my boyfriend and him free concert tickets he wanted to go look for "hot chics" with my boyfriend rather than watch the bands when the guy is married. I know I have problems, obvious. I would give you a thumbs down but I am "not allowed". I am offended by your answer and annoyed quite frankly.

[HurtScorpio]

Well, I have been telling him to shut his mouth and then he says I am mean to him. We were together a year and 5 months before we moved in together so I figured we knew each other well enough. We were together 3 out of 7 days a week and spoke every day several times a day and were texting all the time. Admittedly I am not easy to live with as I have been told by the 2 men who I have previous lived with and I am very moody, my moody change like the wind. I am probably as you mentioned above as well but really, should we just give up on everyone because every person you meet is going to have some type of problem really.

[Homegirl 50]

Well if you had you given the particulars as to why you did not like this guy perhaps my answer would have been different. I can only give advice based on what you put out there. You said you didn't like him and that by itself is a strange reason to not want him to go to a football game with his friends.

At any rate, do you trust your boy friend to be going and doing what he says he is going to do? While his friend may be a bad influence, your boy friend has to make the choice to do the right thing or not. To be honest with you or not.
I still stand by my answer. You two have a lot of issues and until you both work on them, you both will not be happy together.
You may very well love him but there seems to be a lot of control and drama going on. That does not make for a happy relationship.
Work on you, get through your hard times and issues then perhaps he will not affect you so much and maybe he will ultimately stop baiting you. But he has things he needs to work on as well.
I suggest you two take a break from each other.

[talaniman]

What do you call a person whose feelings distract them from paying attention, and understanding what someone is saying, and doing.

Put simply your expectations of your partner are a bit... unreasonable, and need adjusting to say the least. Its obvious he has lived with himself a very long time and has no experience paying attention to you, and unfortunately, you ain't helping him.

This should be a period of adjusting to each others ways, and either accepting it or leaving it alone. It takes years to learn each others language, yet you seem to think everything is about you when its really not, but you want what you want, when you want it, and it's a problem when you don't get it when and the way you want it.

You never learned when to back off, let go, and just observe without your feelings getting in the way have you? Be careful HS, the changes you want him to make may not be to his liking. I smell passive/aggressive control freak here (you, not him). Ask yourself why are your feelings being hurt so much?

I want to hear what you say, but the fix is simple, stop fixating on his behavior, and look at your own more objectively, and give some serious thought to volunteering, really! You need to be able to get out of self and change your focus greatly.

[HurtScorpio]

Just to start I should let ou know he bought me flowers and apologized for saying the mean comments to me (being delusional,crazy). I did say in the text I sent that I did not mind if he went to the foot ball game yet in the back on my mind I did worry. Yes, I trust him yet drunken guys are persuasive to get their friends to do things they would not normally do on a weekend away. Shockingly I was told that the guy I did not trust has been with his wife since high school and has never cheated on her and did have the opportunity in my boyfriend's presence w/ a female rock star and he declined and this was before they had been married so he said he knew the guy would not cheat on her and I had the wrong impression. The other guys he is going with I trust. Nonetheless, I have this abandonement feeling worried that I don't know what is happening. Yes, I am defintely a passive/aggressive control freak but I feel I need to be to get the affection and love I need.

[HurtScorpio]

I do trust my boyfriend as he ALWAYS says what he is going to do and does so and calls,etc. My concern was the manipulation or persuasion of other guys when they get drunk with the "no women around" mentality of maybe getting away with things but as I posted above the guy of concern has never been a cheater. The last time he was with the guy I called and since he would not answer the cell for an hour I kept calling and drove myself crazy wondering why he would not answer because he always answers and told him he should come see me to prove he was with no one which he did and saying he did not want to answer as he was talking w/the other guys and I kept calling and texting. He really made me happy by bringing meflowers today as he has not done so in a year and he actually made me think he does care. It let me ease off him. I want to get a job whatever it may be to focus my thoughts elsewhere as I also have the obsessive OCD/anxiety. A break is sort of impossible as it is avoidance

And not only that we have essentially established a home together as a couple. I am 36 and he is 38. It is like saying I should go live with mom and dad an hour and a half away while we "decide what to do". It is almost immature if you know what I mean. I feel the adult thing to do is face the problem or split. Reason being, I am unemployed and I need to seek employment to support myself and not depend on unemployment forever and the amount I make will in no way provide me w/ an apartment, pay bills, and eat,etc. in my old area which is a resort town so cost of living is VERY high. Where I live now rent is $200 lower, food prices are lower, all bills are lower. Yet, if I were to remove myself and establish new residency here it would make no sense because I would have to sign a lease,etc. It is like moving backward in the relationship. Point being, I would not stay in a town he is in we were not doing well. Might as well move home. So, I need some advice from my therapist. But,thank you.

[QLP]

'Yes, I am defintely a passive/aggressive control freak but I feel I need to be to get the affection and love I need.'

This is where your feelings are leading you astray. The affection and love you need has to primarily come from yourself. If you are constantly seeking it from someone else, firstly that will push them away, and secondly even if you get it, it will never feel enough. It is always easier to love, and show love, to someone who is comfortable in their own skin.

When you mentioned losing 5 pounds in weight, at what point should he have noticed? I mean it doesn't happen all at once. So at 4 pounds, 5, 6? I lost 14 pounds not long ago and my husband didn't notice till I dragged him round the shops because I needed new clothes. I did get some nice compliments when I started wearing the new outfits but frankly men can be a bit slow on the uptake with these things. Was I getting upset waiting around for the compliments? Not a bit, I was too busy feeling happy with myself and enjoying it, the compliments were just the icing on the cake later.

This is the part you need to work on. Telling yourself you have done a good job losing the weight. Telling yourself you are looking good or are behaving well. I suppose it's rather ironic but the less affirmation we need from others the more willing they often seem to be to give it.

If he goes out of his way to be controlling or negative, absolutely let him know he's out of order. Not because you think he is 'mean' but because you expect him to respect your boundaries.

Reading this might help if you are not sure about setting and respecting boundaries:

Healthy Personal Boundaries & How to Establish Them

Get your own behaviour sorted instead of constantly worrying about his. Once you have done so if he hasn't started behaving better I would bet you will know the solution. It's not easy but it is worthwhile. Keep working at it and keep on with the counselling.

[J_9]

Before I go on, your boyfriend sounds just like my husband USED to be. When we would walk through the door, I would put my purse and coat down so that I could go to the bathroom. When I came out, the purse and coat were already put up. He couldn't stand a "mess."

When we went camping, in Alaska, if I asked him to accompany me to the bathroom (a bush), he would have literally asked my if I wanted him to pull my panties down too!

Oh, yes, I am familiar with depression/anxiety. My father lived with it the last 20 years of his life and I suffered severe post partum depression with 3 of my children.

Now for the HARSHNESS WARNING and I am prepared for my reddie.

You say you are 36, well you are acting like you are 16.

Your brother ATTEMPTED suicide, he was not successful, so get off the pity pot and be happy you still have a brother!

As for your boyfriend. Girl give him a break! He's never lived with a woman before, he doesn't know how to treat a live-in woman. He's treating you like one of the guys because that's all he knows. The two of you have only lived together for one month, give him time to adjust and learn. Not everyone is as affectionate as you. Some men just don't know how to show affection.

Yes, I have read every post on this thread and you sound like a spoiled rotten princess.

Maybe it's time you talk to your doctor about a medication adjustment.

[talaniman]

Quell your own impulsive behavior as you both agree to boundaries, because he will not go for petulant manipulations by you. I think you are creating your own problems right now so soon into this learning experience.

Heck you barely can control yourself, so quit trying to control everyone else, especially him.

Are you a drama queen too?? Relax and get a hobby or something.

[HurtScorpio]

Comments on J_9s post

OK -I am not going to give you a red for 1 reason only - your post was helpful. BUT... MY BROTHER ALMOST DIED SO GO BACK AND READ THE POSTS MISS B/C HE DRANK DRAINO BACK IN MARCH AND HE IS STILL NOT ABLE TO EAT FOOD SO EXCUSE MY HARSHNESS BUT SCREW YOU! His whole esophohus is destroyed as well as his stomach and he needs surgery to have a piece of his intestine made into his esophogus so he can eat. He drank DRAINO! Do you know what that does to pipes? Well, think what it does to a 22 year old's throat and stomach and you know what -changed my mind -you are getting a red. Appreciate all the advice because sounds like we could have made a great connection but you ruined what could have been by slamming me for grieving my brother's attempted suicide- not like he just made superficial wrist cuts or took a few aspirin. The specialists even said they were shocked he made it and were not used to dealing w/this as people do it but hardly ANYONE LIVES!

Also, I was with an alcoholic from age 18-32 so yeah maybe I do act like a 16 year old because I had to basically be a "mother" to a guy who acted like one. I was always the responsible one in the relationship and he always wanted to party and yeah, I do emotionally act like a 16 year old because as noted by my therapist - being verbally abused severely in my teens and still being hit by belts with the worst occurring at age 16 is when my emotions "lapsed" and never got past that point just as my ex husband who began drinking at age 13-14 was emotionally stunted at that age which is probably why we connected when we were 18 -we both were emotionally immature. I have learned all that in therapy. So yes, I am very emotionally needy but a princess? Spoiled rotten? In my dreams lady. You have no clue. My life has been a living hell so now that I have this somewhat stable man I have no idea how to deal and he is OCD no doubt.