[Moonbeam2]

My boyfriend of 1 1/2 yrs. Has decided he needs more space. Even though we don't live together, we have been together most of this time and are very compatible. I am a widow (10 yrs) and he has had 2 divorces both of which he filed. His first wife was cold and unloving but he stayed with her until his son turned 18.

His second wife was 10 yrs. Younger and opposite personality to first wife. He married her on the rebound (his words), thinking she was the answer. He later learned she was hooked on perscription drugs and he sent her to rehab twice to "fix" her. He realized (before he went broke) that she couldn't be "fixed" and dissolved that marriage as well. He said the marriage was over 2 yrs before that but he tried to live with his mistake.

When his divorce was final, he found me through a dating service. I was reluctant at first (been burned by men before) and he kind of chased me. I finally agree to meet him and it was instant romance I thought. 6 months into the relationship I realized he had intimacy problems but decided to deal with it because we are truly compatible in every way and sex was not the most important factor at this time. In a weak moment, early in our relationship, I blantantly blurted out "I love you". He commented that just because he didn't say the words didn't mean he didn't care... that his actions would prove his caring for me.

He IS the most caring man and HAS totally been there for me from repairing household things to helping me with my elderly Mother when she was sick. My family loves him and he is unlike any man I've ever been interested in. He is both honest and trustworthy. He told me upfront that he would probably never marry again. I was okay with that. After all, I have been single for 10 yrs after being married 31 yrs, then widowed suddenly when my husband died of cancer. I am very cautious and picky about the men I date, that's why I'm still single. I told him marriage was not in the picture at this time for me either and that I just enjoyed being with him. He told me from the beginning he would not date anyone else but me, but we could not live together. I accepted all of the above thinking he needed time and would heal, but after a year and a half, I am beginning to wonder about our relationship.

We have gone from instant romance to little or no intimacy at all... just friendship! When I talked to him about it he said he was sorry that he couldn't be more, that he was starting to have deep feelings for me and that it scared him and that he would never be "co-dependent" to a woman again, therefore he needs time to just be by himself. I repeated to him that I wasn't looking for marriage, but need some type of reassurance aka hugs, kisses to survive. After all I had that when we first met. I then asked him if I should leave. He said it would hurt him, but realizes this situation is not right and not fair to me but that he has been burned before and that his heart and pocketbook will not take another failure! He has spent most of his life savings on divorce, or trying to make everybody happy.

Okay, where in this picture does he get that I am going to break his heart when we are totally compatible in every aspect (except intimacy) of this relationship? I work, I am independent, I own my own house, car, and I love him more than either of his two wives put together! I have never asked him for anything, even fought him on a couple of projects that he has done for me like fixing my fence, tiling my bathroom, etc. He loves to work and does all this on his own, and when I try to pay him he gets offended. We talked about this and I told him that I was a giver, not a taker, like his other two wives who drained him dry!! He realizes all this and has even commented that I am totally opposite from either of them and he's never had this much fun and happiness with any woman!

It sucks that two women have pretty much shot my chance of ever having this man's love because of their actions he will never "trust" another woman regardless! No matter what I do, I will never be able to win his heart! If I make him so happy, then why does he want space? What about my heart? What do I do? I am miserable without him but need more than he's willing to give. Please help me.

[Fr_Chuck]

He does not seem committed to the relationship, I noted 2nd wife was totally different from first and you are totally different from 1 and 2.

Unless you knew them, you are only going on what he is saying, and I am sure their side of the story may be different.

It appears that you and he are not talking the same language or he does not care about your needs or trying.

[Moonbeam2]

He is not a liar and spoke the truth about both wives. I have witnessed both wives begging him back. So I should just walk away from this relationship?

[talaniman]

Relax my dear, he is merely being honest and setting boundaries that he can live with, and after accepting things as they are, and going good, back off to a safer distance emotionally with him, as a year and a half is hardly time enough to a twice burned guy to be fully ready for a commitment. At least not the kind you want.

I think that he needs a lot longer to see who he is dealing with as never forget he has too failures already that probably looked just as good to him at the time.

If you cannot enjoy things the way they are knowing what you know, then indeed you should walk away. I mean wouldn't you be cautious if you had failed twice and spent a lot of time and money on flawed relationships already? Sure you would, just to make sure you were not a 3 time loser right?

Give him his space and enjoy your own while things develop slowly. I mean, what's your real hurry??

[vanheart]

I agree with Chuck.

"We have gone from instant romance to little or no intimacy at all...just friendship!"

What do you think that says?

He may never be ready for you.

How long do you want to try & wait? That's the quetsion.

They say timing is everything. Wrong time, wrong person is what it sounds like to me.

Just because he chased you on a dating service means that he has he crap together.

Maybe he's just inept & lonely.

Keep looking.

As Tal said "back off to a safer distance emotionally with him"