[miss_a90]

I'm 20 and my boyfriend is 21. We have been together for 2 and a half years and have been living together for almost a year. When we first got together he wanted sex far more often than me, like every night I stayed over so it ended up being between 4 and 6 times a week. Not only that, but he used to want to do the other stuff more too. When we first moved in together, I noticed his sex drive immediately went down but I put it down to the fact that we had both gone through a big change (it was the first time either of us had moved out of our parents homes, and we had stuff like bills and money and new jobs to deal with). After a couple of months, we started to do it more again (still no where near as much as we used to, perhaps once or twice a week, but again I put this down to the fact that the initial excitement of a new relationship had gone after being together for 18months).

However, in the past couple of months it has really decreased again, and I'm not sure why. I have tried to talk to him about it but he just puts it down to the fact that he's tired as he has a very physical job (however, he has had this job the whole time we've been together and his duties at work haven't changed). I've tried loads of things to get him excited... dressing up, talking dirty, even taking him away for the weekend just the two of us, but still I'm lucky if we have sex once a month now.

He tells me that it's nothing to do with me and his attraction for me hasn't changed, and neither of us have ever been unfaithful to each other, I just don't know what to do. It's not really that I want to make him have sex with me more, it's more that I'm worried there's something he isn't telling me as it does seem really out of character for him, and I don't want to just carry on as if there's nothing wrong when really something is bothering him. As I said, I've tried to talk to him about it but he never wants a discussion, just says he's tired etc.

Please help, because I'm really struggling and I love him and want to make this work.

[Jake2008]

I think you've asked and answered your own question here.

The initial sex, in a new relationship, is always frequent and, along with those rose coloured glasses, sometimes becomes a part of defining the relationship itself. Having frequent sex must mean that the relationship is very good.

But, as time goes on, sex becomes less important, and the relationship takes on a maturity that evolves to balance out the relationship, buld a solid foundation for the future, and becomes a part of the relationship, but only one part of many other parts.

That initial euphoria has worn off, and the hard work of making a relationship work, and all that entails has taken over. A natural progression.

You said yourself that this was the first time being on your own, out of your parents house, and it is for him as well. Then comes the responsibility of working to pay bills that you've never had to worry about before, and the new responsibilities all cause changes to what once was a far simpler life.

That being said, perhaps you shining a light on what you see as a problem, is putting pressure on him to perform, and that might be making him feel that sex has become one more 'duty' or 'responsibility' that he's just not able to do. I would not mention sex for a while, and instead do something else.

And that something else is, talk to him. See if you can't find a way to lighten his load, by offering conversation and giving support to what may or may not be bothering him. I doubt that if everything was going well, more frequent sex would be a problem in the first place.

See past your need for more intimacy in the bedroom, to more intimacy in the relationship itself. The more you focus on sex (or lack of) being 'the' problem, it is most likely that you are missing the reasons. And those reasons, are most probably the cause of the lack of sex drive.

[rebeccahstrean]

2 words- he's cheating.

[miss_a90]

Listen love thanks for the amazingly insightful feedback, but no he really isn't lol.

[Cat1864]

I agree with Jake about taking the pressure off to be sexually intimate. How is the rest of your relationship?

Our libidos are affected by so many factors and it is very easy to miss one little thing that might be a clue to figuring out what is going on. It may be that he doesn't know what is going on. It may be that you are both focusing on the sexual aspects and the problem could be in a very different area.

How much time do you spend together? Do you take time apart to go out with friends or visit family? Do you have hobbies or interests that give you some down time from the relationship? Work doesn't count.

You should both have ways to blow off steam and recharge. Home is like that for work or should be. Hobbies and friends are like that for a relationship.

You've talked about what hasn't changed, but what has changed? Diet, exercise, relaxation, sleep, etc. Has he gained or lost weight or had any injuries? Has he gotten overly involved in gaming? Could there be a problem at work that he might not want to talk about but has alluded to when he says work is an issue?

Have any friends or family had relationship problems, a baby, etc. that might be affecting him on a subconscious level? Have the two of you talked about the future and your expectations or desires?

Have you talked to him about his fantasies and desires or are you trying things you think should work because they are stereotypically what men are supposed to want?

[miss_a90]

Well we both moved out of our parents homes just under a year ago, so had new things to deal with like bills and money responsibilities and stuff. So stuff has changed. To be honest, neither of us have a lot of time doing other stuff outside the relationship and work. I think you're both right in the sense that I just need to stop focusing on sex as the problem and start focusing on the things that are good in our relationship... That way, I won't be putting any pressure on him, and we could start having fun again instead of focusing on this big elephant in the room. Thank you everyone.

[JudyKayTee]

2 words- he's cheating.

Or maybe he's getting his kicks on U-Tube - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...ow-582076.html