[Mr_Unforgiven]

It seems like no matter what I do or how hard I try I can't seem to say or do anything right in my wife's eyes. I work as a truck driver and I'm gone 4 to 5 days a week. On my days at home we go out to eat, spend time with her family, shop, do some housework and help raise our 4 year old son. My wife and I have been together for 7 years and married for 5 of those years. I really feel like we have a good life.

Here's the problem. 4 1/2 years ago I did something really stupid. I got a call from my ex girlfriend one day and she was upset about her current boyfriend. Long story short, I had phone sex and shared some nude pictures with her. My wife found the pictures on my phone and said we were through because she couldn't trust me anymore. I pleaded with her to forgive me and give me the chance to earn her trust back. She agreed to as long a I never betrayed her trust again. And so help me God, I have never betrayed that trust again. So, how long is she going to keep hating me for it? She still says she doesn't trust me and doesn't even want to have any physical contact with me. It's been nearly 1 1/2 years since we even made love to each other. I know I did her wrong, but will I ever have my wife's true forgiveness or am I doomed to be hated forever?

[Cat1864]

When did she find out? When it happened or more recently?

I will say that it appears your indiscretion occurred at a very vulnerable time for her... when she was pregnant and within six months of your marriage. It will take a lot of work on her part to get to where she can trust again. Work that she has to accept she needs to do.

You can't rebuild the trust if she isn't willing to allow or accept that you are doing your part. It doesn't sound like she is getting to that point on her own. Would she be willing to try marriage counseling or go by herself to work through the emotions she hasn't dealt with?

Find a time when there are no distractions and you are both open to discussing the relationship. Express your concern that things seem to be getting worse instead of better and ask her about counseling. Do not make it a confrontation. Don't get defensive. Be as open as you can be about wanting your marriage to work and what it will take from both of you.

If you can't find a way to work together and she is unwilling to let the pain, anger, etc. go for the trust to be able to grow back, then you may want to discuss separation. It isn't healthy for either of you or child to continue the way things are.

Good luck.

[Jake2008]

Saying you want to forgive somebody, and actually doing the work to do so, are two entirely different animals.

Presuming you are telling the truth, and have sincerely regretted your past behaviour, I would say that after going on two years now, you have been punished enough.

I'm not saying there is a time limit here, I'm saying that she has not learned how to forgive, and move on. Worse yet, that she still uses the excuse that she cannot trust you.

For some couples, one affair (no matter what it is) is enough to end the relationship. The baby gets thrown out with the bathwater; no serious attempt to reconcile, the relationship is over without any attempt to fix it.

If, after such a long period, that the two of you are still not on the same page, it is time to get marriage counselling. Somebody has to make a decision here. She needs to make the decision to either work on the marriage, stop torturing you, and attend counselling, or she needs to put on her big girl pants and make the decision that the marriage is over.

But, she has to do something! And you have to expect her to do something, other than using your one time fling to keep you, from feeling obligated to keep this unbalanced situation going.

Not condoning your behaviour, but I think you've beat yourself up enough about this, and if she cannot get past it, the only way is to get counselling. Put the cards on the table and deal with it. Many couples are very successful in repairing marital problems that have come up; trust is re-established, needs of both parties are met, life goes on.

Time to step up, and find out IF the relationship can be saved, and what you are both willing to do about it, in order to make that happen.

[Fr_Chuck]

I would consider counseling, you may find that you and her are not talking the same Language and what you think is doing things, is not what she wants or it does not show her.

She may want actual talking, she may want something else.

Doing household chores and visiting family may be just what is expected and she does not see that as anything special. So often finding a common ground for communication is a start.

There is a book "Love Languages" it has opened the doors for many relationships