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chelle64014 · Nov 28, 2007, 09:52 AM

Hi all I have a question me and my husband of 3 in a half yrs have been having problems all we do is argue and fault find or criticize on what the other one has done wrong,well Sunday night we thought it might be best if we split up that would mean I would go to Ga (because that's where my family is) andhe stay here in mo which would be a thousand miles apart.. well Monday night we talked a little and decided to give it another try,now the problem is is getting him to communicate with me he does a little but he said he is scaredto because I take a lot of things wrong ( which I admitt I do get all defensive)I am trying to find a way to get this relationship on track and I don't know where to start.. another thing is I talked to him about intimacy and he said that for awhile now when we have made love it wasn't making love to me it was just sex and he doesn't want to feel that way when he has intimacy with me is this normal and will we get our relation ship and love making on track I would love some advice and tips on what I could do thanks all

Homegirl 50 · Nov 28, 2007, 10:13 AM

Have you two tried counseling? Sometime having a neutral third party helps you to see things differently and helps you talk to each other without arguing.
Maybe you two can try writing a letter to each other, then answer it. Then come together and discuss what you wrote.

chelle64014 · Nov 28, 2007, 10:19 AM

We tried counseling about a year ago but our problem was we had to cancel a lot because either work or we didn't have no one to watch the kids... we haven't tried writing letters.would we write something like how we feel about one another,the problems we are having and what we could do to change things?Thanks

Homegirl 50 · Nov 28, 2007, 10:25 AM

Yeah, that. Then answer the letter in the form of a letter, then get together and talk about it. When you did the counseling, did they give you tips on how to talk to each other?

chelle64014 · Nov 28, 2007, 10:33 AM

They did a couple of times but we ended up arguing about it,and they suggested that we do something together when we got to bed one night he prays out loud and then the next night we do that.. even though we haven't been to counseling in awhile we still do that except for these few nights,I try to talk to him about things but I guess I am like him I think he will take it the wrong way.. we have been doing better we at least give each other a hug in the morning or afternoon and I ask him how his day went at work and things like that.. another thing is my husband is a recovering alcoholic and spiritually and mentally since we have been having trouble he hasn't really been getting into his meetings or his 12 steps which I always have encouraged him to do these things.he knows I support him in this 100% anything to help him and keep him sober.and I have also agreed to go to AlAnon.I miss the way we use to be and I would love yo have it back.

Homegirl 50 · Nov 28, 2007, 01:54 PM

Well just keep up some level of intimacy. Don't stop hugging and kissing. Tell him you love him, make some time in the evening just for you two, even if it's 10 15 minutes. Just time to sit and talk about the day.
I pray that you two can get what you had back.

chelle64014 · Nov 28, 2007, 02:11 PM

Thanks homegirl50,I am actually starting to write a letter now and my husband called me on his lunch breakand I talked to him abou it at first he was like well I isn't good at letters and I said well can't you at least give it a try for us and he said yes so I think I got him to do that,Im just stuck on how the letter should start every time I try to write something it sounds weird to me lol... thank you for keeping us in your prayers

KrystalLea · Nov 28, 2007, 02:32 PM

I just chimmed in and I agree with the letter.. .
Start with " I Love You" that's a great true positive start!
Another thing, try to do thing s differently.. . Change the routine, maybe you/he is bored
Change can be a good thing - go out, experience things you've never done, enjoy each other, and MAKE TIME!
Good Luck.

chelle64014 · Nov 28, 2007, 03:22 PM

Hi thanks for writing me.. I would love to go out and do things together but I have no babysitter,his parents live 4 hours away and my mother lives in Ga and I have no friends where we live.. another thing we haven't done in a long time is go out as a family.. we do stay up as long as we can when the kids go to bed.we will cuddle and watch TV and sometimes talk..

mjl · Nov 28, 2007, 03:36 PM

I commend you on trying to make things work! That's great for the two of you. Maybe what you need is to spend time together just the two of you. I seen you had reason why you can't, but you need to find a way to. Spending alone time with your husband is crutial. You said you don't have a babysitter... put up postings at a local high school bulletin board and once people call you, do some interviews and get to know them. A babysitter won't magically appear at your door step you know. Then even if you start with a short evening date with you husband like going out dinner is perfect. If just the two of you go out to dinner then you will have nothing else to do than eat and talk and sort things out. It's one hour every week of month or what ever that can help out tremendously!

NowWhat · Nov 28, 2007, 04:39 PM

Okay, here is my two cents worth...

It sounds to me that you guys do not have any idea on how to communicate so the other hears you.
If you can't get to a counselor - the letter idea is a good one. Also, try picking up a book called "men are from mars, women from venus". I think they have a workbook sort of thing. You read it together.

In the mean time, when you start your conversations, avoid saying "you do this or that" or "you always or never". That puts a person on the defensive and you have lost your battle before it began. Try, "I feel like.."
If you feel yourself getting on the defensive - stop and count to 5 before you answer or respond. Or if it is getting to bad, take a break from the conversation, collect yourself and then return.

You must learn to communicate - it can and will affect every aspect of your marriage - including your sex life.

chelle64014 · Nov 28, 2007, 06:22 PM

I agree with you we do have communication problems really bad one or the other os afraid to say anything out of fear of the other one getting mad,when he got off work tonight he went and bought us a notebook each so we could write the letter,but I am still concerned about our sex life when he said that when we did do it to him it was just sex and not making love anymore and he hopes we can get that back and in ways it made me feel like I was just a sex toy or something, is this normal when there is no intimacy and should I wait to do anything if he wants to?thanks

NowWhat · Nov 28, 2007, 06:47 PM

When there is no real intimacy in any other area of your life - the intimacy level in the bedroom can't exhist. At least, that is what I think. When my husband and I don't communicate it is very hard for me to turn it on in the bedroom. I can physically connect with him, sure, but that emotional connection isn't there.
So, I think, that if you learn how to communicate with each other outside of the bedroom, the intimacy level inside of the bedroom will return.
Don't be afraid to talk to each other, just choose your words wisely.
Bottom line, you want to be heard by one another, something in your delivery is preventing that.
Start doing little things that show him that you value him and love him. Those little things can turn into big rewards for both of you.

chelle64014 · Nov 29, 2007, 06:23 AM

That makes sense,I am probably just over reacting,I try to show him I love him,I will leave him little I love you notes in his lunch sack and I just wished he would show a little at least a note(which he isn't the type to write notes)I guess I am just feeling a little lonely and hurt all at once,another thing I think has bothered me is I got up the other night at caught him looking at porn and I can't get over that is that normal?

Homegirl 50 · Nov 29, 2007, 06:54 AM

Originally Posted by chelle64014

thanks homegirl50,I am actually starting to write a letter now and my husband called me on his lunch breakand I talked to him abou it at first he was like well I aint good at letters and I said well can't you at least give it a try for us and he said yes so I think I got him to do that,Im just stuck on how the letter should start out everytime I try to write something it sounds weird to me lol...thank you for keeping us in your prayers

Tell him you love and include positive things as well. Tell him you really want to get what you had back.

Homegirl 50 · Nov 29, 2007, 06:57 AM

Originally Posted by chelle64014

That makes sence,i am probably just over reacting,I try to show him I love him,I will leave him little I love you notes in his lunch sack and I just wished he would show a little at least a note(which he isnt the type to write notes)I guess I am just feeling a little lonely and hurt all at once,another thing I think has bothered me is I got up the other night at caught him looking at porn and I can't get over that is that normal?

The porn thing would bother me too, as I am not into it. He has an addictive personality anyway with alcoholism and he could become addicted to porrn. Does he know you saw him?

Homegirl 50 · Nov 29, 2007, 07:01 AM

How long has he been watching porn, do you know?
Maybe you can initiate sex with him. Also voice this concern in your letter to him, but in a loving way.
This is problem I have with some people watching this stuff. It's like a drug. It gets to where they need to have more outlandsih stuff to turn them on and their expectations about sex and women gets twisted

NowWhat · Nov 29, 2007, 07:08 AM

A lot of people will disagree with me on this, but to some extent, I think looking at porn is normal. Now, if it rules his life, then there is a problem. People watch movies all the time, with the internet, it is readily available. Should it bother you? I don't know - that is really up to how you feel on the whole thing.
I truly think men need to be held by the hand when it comes to romantic gestures. My husband doesn't always know what to do with that kind of thing. He has left me notes, but they are few and far between. I think I have kept every single note he has ever written. Can the same be said for him? Probably not.
You have to be as honest as you can be with what you need. If you were getting the desired attention in other areas, would you need a note? Probably not. So, don't sweat things like that. Just do what you can do, lead by example. Talk to him. Try your best not to be accusing when you are telling him what you need. He will get it, if you can talk to him in a way that will reach him.

chelle64014 · Nov 29, 2007, 07:13 AM

Hi there he has watched it off and on we use to watch a movie sometimes (but I hated it,I only did it to see how it would help things)and I actually think he was going to this morning also but my son woke up.he doesn't know I saw him but I sort of hinted to him last night about when he typed something the porn word showed up and you can tell he looked embarrassed,I know we are having a lot of trouble and he won't make love to me,but this has just stumped me and I sit and wonder is there ever going to be an us again or is it going to be him and the screen.a friend of mine told me that where he said he didn't think of us as making love anymore he thought of it as just sex that I should leave because he doesn't feel the same way for me and probably never will that to him now I am just a sex toy,but then I think maybe just time will tell.. I don't want to leave him because I love him very much and he is a good man... how should I start this letter out and how should I put the porn thing in there?please help I am so confused,I have wasted so much paper on trying to figure this out when I asked him about making love was it because my little weight gain or what and he said when we first met I wasn't a skinny super model and he knew from my bones structures and all that I never would be and he didn't fall in love with me for that reason the reason was my personality

NowWhat · Nov 29, 2007, 07:18 AM

You should start your letter with how you feel. What is bothering you the most. Then work your way down. I would avoid giving him a letter filled with his faults. That will not get you a desired effect.

Should you leave? I don't think so. Marriages are HARD work. They aren't fairy tales that we watch on TV. It gets ugly. If you walk away because it's not all roses - you will never find true happiness.
That happiness will come when you go through the rough patch and come out the other side stronger and happier.