[mom1972]

Hello,

I have a 19 yr old daughter who up until a year ago was a very respectful and responsible teen, went to school, and followed the rules.


She was told by both me and her father she could date, casually, but not to get into a relationship until her school was further along, it was her first year at college and we wanted her to focus on school.

In the last year, she has found a boyfriend, she met him at work, and she was fired because she did not report him for eating while working, both of them were fired.

She has been fired from 2 jobs since, and is now on her 4th job.

She was on academic probation from a very good university, and ultimately dismissed due to poor GPA, which I believe to be not attending school to be with her boyfriend.

She then transferred to a community college and I just found out she failed all her courses.
She has lied about how many classes she was taking.
She has lied about working, to be with her boyfriend.
She has lied about having a job for weeks after having been fired.

I snooped and found out she has been drinking, and is sexually active... and she continues to deny she failed school even with the grades in her face.

She now says she wants to move out because we won't let her do anything? That we are being too overbearing, that she knows what she's doing, that she can handle it on her own... I pay her car, her cell phone, her car insurance, I don't charge her rent,
I have reached a dead end and I don't know what else to do,
I threatened to take her car away, I told her if she leaves she can leave without the car.
Help... I don't know if I am fighting to keep her here and I should just let her learn on her own even though I clearly know she can't do it...

[Jake2008]

At some point, it will be time to cut the apron strings, and allow your daughter to make her own choices, and suffer the consequences of them. She will never grow up and be truly independent, if she can make huge mistakes with her life, on somebody elses' dime.

You are not doing her any favours by providing all of the support, encouragement, love, and money for her to lie, be critical of you, or choose to ignore the responsibilities that come with being fully supported. If she doesn't have to own up, fix, change, or be responsible for her actions, why are you still expecting that she will.

Because she has become very used to a lifestyle that you have allowed, and provided for, which include free room and board, use of a car, cell phone, etc. it will take a leap of faith to trust that you know she is capable of growing up. She will survive, but she needs to learn that life isn't a free ride.

The sooner she learns that, the sooner she will get her life on track; set goals, provide for herself, and get somewhere in this life. It has to start somewhere, and my opinion is, it has to start with you, allowing her to make her own decisions.

You and your husband need to set down the law and rules, as you would for anybody living in your home. Charging rent, her share of the utilities, expecting her to do her own laundry, etc. Any person living in someone's home, has to have responsibilities. If you choose to allow her to use your car, she needs to be charged for the gas she uses, and her portion of the insurance. I would personally not pay for anybody elses' cell phone, if she cannot afford to pay for her portion of that bill, I would cancel the phone.

If she makes a choice to go elsewhere, then be prepared to say that if things don't work out, you will consider allowing her back, but under the same conditions.

Be very clear with the expectations. Even if you have to write them out. What might seem obvious, still needs to be written out (her doing her own laundry for example). Look at her as a person who is capable of doing all that she needs to do, in order to make her own way in this world. And also try to see her as a guest in your home, not someone who is automatically allowed all these privledges, simply because she is your daughter. She needs to grow up, and you need to allow her that opportunity.