[StressedMom]

Hello all. I sure hope I can get some insight from you good people. Our daughter is 21 years old. She is beautiful and intelligent however, we think she's on the wrong path in life. Currently she is living back home with us. She is working. At 18 she chose to move out and had her "bad boy" boyfriend living with her. She doesn't have the same boyfriend, however, the boyfriends she chooses are not good for her. She runs with the wrong crowd. She makes bad decisions. She's lived several different places and has come back home 3 times. She is not responsible with money, she lost her job because she just didn't go (she's since gotten her job back as a Vent Tech in a nursing home). She racked up loans and ended up declaring bankruptcy. She lies to us. She wasn't brought up this way. In the beginning I tried to help the first boyfriend so he wouldn't end up in jail. I knew she loved him. But that fell through the cracks, he didn't want help I guess. When she worked at the same job for a year and a half, I helped her budget her money. We worked out a system for putting money in envelopes so she would have money as needed and money to pay bills etc. That worked for a while. She is an only child and I know through the years that we spoiled her and whatnot. Also I realize when we help her financially that we are just enabling. At this point, we don't know what to do. She is now back at home and working full time. How can I help her? I need to find a way to be able to talk to her and make her realize that she's chosen wrong friends, she's choosing boyfriends that aren't good for her, she's making bad decisions. Would counseling help? Is there a way to get her back on track?

[TRACYS 4 LIFE]

Your daughter is lucky that you care so much about her. When I was her age I went down some wrong paths and I didn't have anyone there to help me. Please sit her down and tell her how much you love her and how concerned you are about her safety. Tell her how she is going down wrong paths and you want to help her as much as possible. She might not listen at first but don't give up just keep trying and be there for her. Sooner or later she will realize that you just want what's best for her.

[Alty]

In my experience, the more you try to tell a young person that their decisions are wrong, the more they'll lean towards those choices.

Is she currently paying you rent? Is she responsible to buy her own groceries, wash her own clothes, make her own meals? Are you caring for her because she moved back home?

She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and she needs to learn how to deal with the decisions she's made instead of always running back to mommy and daddy when the going gets tough.

By helping her out, you are enabling her, you are teaching her that when things go wrong, you'll be there to pick up the pieces.

I'm not saying to abandon her, or to stop helping her, but you have to help in a different way than you've been doing.

The next time she moves out, tell her, in no uncertain terms, that her bedroom is no longer available to her. If she looses this apartment then she better have another one to move into right away. Turn her bedroom into a study.

If you aren't already doing so, charge her rent while she is living with you. Sit her down, agree on a price and also agree on a move out date. If she has a set date that she needs to move out on, then she will work towards that goal.

Right now she's in limbo, she needs to get back on her feet and she needs to learn how to walk on her own.

She's an adult, it's time she learned what that entails.

Good luck.

[StressedMom]

Your daughter is lucky that you care so much about her. When i was her age i went down some wrong paths and i didnt have anyone there to help me. Please sit her down and tell her how much you love her and how concerned you are about her safety. Tell her how she is going down wrong paths and you want to help her as much as possible. She might not listen at first but dont give up just keep trying and be there for her. Sooner or later she will realize that you just want whats best for her.

Thanks for the input. We do love her and want what is best for her. I will try again to sit down with her. I also know that it might go in one ear and out the other. But you're right at this point all I can do is try to talk. The safety is a good issue, one that I wouldn't have thought of during our chats. Thanks for listening!

[StressedMom]

In my experience, the more you try to tell a young person that their decisions are wrong, the more they'll lean towards those choices.

Is she currently paying you rent? Is she responsible to buy her own groceries, wash her own clothes, make her own meals? Are you caring for her because she moved back home?

She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and she needs to learn how to deal with the decisions she's made instead of always running back to mommy and daddy when the going gets tough.

By helping her out, you are enabling her, you are teaching her that when things go wrong, you'll be there to pick up the pieces.

I'm not saying to abandon her, or to stop helping her, but you have to help in a different way than you've been doing.

The next time she moves out, tell her, in no uncertain terms, that her bedroom is no longer available to her. If she looses this apartment then she better have another one to move into right away. Turn her bedroom into a study.

If you aren't already doing so, charge her rent while she is living with you. Sit her down, agree on a price and also agree on a move out date. If she has a set date that she needs to move out on, then she will work towards that goal.

Right now she's in limbo, she needs to get back on her feet and she needs to learn how to walk on her own.

She's an adult, it's time she learned what that entails.

Good luck.

I agree with you. I know from experience that the more you disagree with their choices, the more they lean towards them. I also realize that even at 21 she's not totally grown up and maybe I tend to forget that. No she does not pay rent, does not do her own laundry. She will cook whatever she wants to eat and she also cleans up afterwards. The laundry is an issue, when she does her own she tends to leave a load in the dryer or in the washer. I know its wrong, but it's easier to just do it and be done with it. I also know we are enabling her and I guess that is the reason for my post. Things we've done in the past don't seem to help so I need guidance. The last time she moved out I did redo her bedroom into an exercise room. So with her being in limbo and needing to get back on her feet... what are my first steps? Thanks for caring.

[Alty]

The first thing you need to do is make her responsible for her own stuff.

If she leaves the clothes in the dryer, then take them out, put them in a basket and walk away. When she runs out of clothes she'll find them.

When you say it's easier to just do it and be done with it. For who? By doing her tasks you are not making it easier for her to grow up. You are making her more dependent on someone else. She needs to learn to take care of herself, that includes laundry, rent, food, everything.

She's 21, it's way past time for her to learn to be an adult. Stop treating her like a child, or she will never stop acting like one.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I'm talking to you like you should be talking to her. Tough love works. You aren't doing her any favors in the long run by babying her. Deep down you know it's true. It's time to force the issue. Trust me, it will be harder on you then it is on her.

Good luck.

[StressedMom]

The first thing you need to do is make her responsible for her own stuff.

If she leaves the clothes in the dryer, then take them out, put them in a basket and walk away. When she runs out of clothes she'll find them.

When you say it's easier to just do it and be done with it. For who? By doing her tasks you are not making it easier for her to grow up. You are making her more dependent on someone else. She needs to learn to take care of herself, that includes laundry, rent, food, everything.

She's 21, it's way past time for her to learn to be an adult. Stop treating her like a child, or she will never stop acting like one.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I'm talking to you like you should be talking to her. Tough love works. You aren't doing her any favors in the long run by babying her. Deep down you know it's true. It's time to force the issue. Trust me, it will be harder on you then it is on her.

Good luck.

You're not sounding harsh, I appreciate this believe me. I need to set down with her and detail all these above items and let her know that this is for her benefit, not us just being mean. That she does need to act like the adult she is. I know it's tough love, but I wonder when the adult child realizes it? Sometimes they do look at it like we don't want to help her etc.

[Alty]

Trust me, one day she'll realize that you did her a huge favor by pushing her to be more responsible.

Will it happen tomorrow, probably not, maybe not until she has kids of her own, but one day she will realize that you did this out of love for her.

Also remember that there are many ways to help someone. Giving someone money, or a place to live is a temporary fix. Teaching someone how to save money and obtain their own home, that is helping.

It's like the quote: Give a man fish he eats for a day, teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

You need to teach her how to fish.

[StressedMom]

Trust me, one day she'll realize that you did her a huge favor by pushing her to be more responsible.

Will it happen tomorrow, probably not, maybe not until she has kids of her own, but one day she will realize that you did this out of love for her.

Also remember that there are many ways to help someone. Giving someone money, or a place to live is a temporary fix. Teaching someone how to save money and obtain their own home, that is helping.

It's like the quote: Give a man fish he eats for a day, teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

You need to teach her how to fish.

Thanks!

[Alty]

You're welcome.

Keep us posted, let us know how it goes.

Also, remember, this isn't going to happen over night. She's been working up to this point for 21 years, it's going to take some work for you to help her change her path.

Don't give up, no matter how hard it is. Remember that you are doing this for her own good.

If you ever need to talk, vent, or discuss something, we're here.

Take care.

[gearoidin]

21 year old walking all over our house and family does what she likes, is in college and working also but everything is for her self. Pays no bills and has just got a loan out for car insurance we love her to bits but am at my wits end. She loves her social life and lives for her friends won't even sit in the same room as us at night time she has a sister who is totally opposite I have tried to teach her to save and clean up after herself but now she toatlly ignores me and the house is a tip after her. Have asked her to leave once and she did for two nights but I was so stressed out after it that I cannot do it again. Help

[momof4and1]

This sounds all too familiar to me. My younger sister has the same problem. She is 25 and my parents let her move in and out at least 6 times. But look on the bright side, my sister has 2 kids, different dads, and now nobody wants to be the parent to thses beautiful girls. So at almost 60 my parents are parents again and blame themselves for enabling her. Only because they didn't want to see anything bad happen to her. My advice to you is to give her a time table of responsibilities. i.e. make her own budget and live by it, etc. Because if she wants to benefits of living at home she needs to show you that she is worthy of your help. She is very blessed that she has parents who care as much as you do. The only problem is that she knows that you won't let her fall. There is no way to tell her who to be around, so make it a stipulation, that they aren't allowed at your home. I wish you lots of luck.

[xoxAiAixox]

It's not easy making new types of friends because she may be so used to the ones she has and a change in friends also includes changes in style, characteristic and so on... different people have different ways of acting and for her to change friends would require her to change herself first