[halle.helpme]

Falling Out of Love... lack of intimacy but he and his family want marriage-what should I do?
This is Long but detailed so that I can get the best response. I thank you in advance for reading my post/question. :-)

I have been seeing a man since May 2010. Since I have met his family and our children get along great he says he wants to marry me. Here is where it gets tricky. About a few months into our relationship we spoke about restraining from having sex and being celibate. The reasons were so that we could get all of our blessings and follow christian regulations until we were to get married. Well the only problem is that we never really built a strong trust foundation. We only said we did. When we met and started to be together early on he said that he was done with other woman and only wanted to be with me.I met his family after we had a our first official date at an invited mothers day even they were having for the woman in the family -he wanted me to be apart. I joined in and since than I was invited to all the family events which is why we became so close so fast even the family vacation but I could not attend due to my work schedule.

Now that some time has passed all the way down to us coming to understandings with each other and communicating. All I feel we have is function. He has a daughter I have a daughter and the household runs smoothly--I do my part and he does his. On the outside it looks wonderful but on the inside the lack of having sex mixed with us not having intimacy makes me feel like I am with someone strictly for good function. I really don't see the purpose in being with him besides being able to keep and run a stable lifestyle. I want love and romance which is something I believe he doesn't know how to provide. I have gotten to the point that we have talked so much and expressed so much now I don't even see the point in talking anymore about it. What will it do? Its all function to me and to me no love---everyone wants so much for us to be together and for us to get married a lot is riding on it--especially with the church and our family--our kids that adore each other... I just don't feel a connection to him and I do not feel like I love him. I think the marriage isn't going to make it better because we can than have sex---I don't think it will matter because every now and than we have had some "slip-ups" and had oral sex to full intercourse... and I still feel nothing. So I can say I do not think this will be a fix-all... I am afraid to loose a "good thing" but I wonder if it really that good if everything else balances out but to me there is no connection and no Love--just function. I don't see the purpose in being with him and I am not even excited about getting married--people have hinted he has been shopping for rings and that made me feel worst like the sinking feeling that I may be stuck with this guy simply because of how our lives are Integrated. We live together and work and do things together --like I said it seems good. I am just not happy---am I asking for too much?

Simply put I can stay in the relationship for the functionality but in reality I don't have an emotionally connection to him and I feel that there isn't any love.

I am ready to give up after having a broken marriage already under my belt from abuse, and a man thereafter that cheated on me to the point of being engaged to someone else.. I am ready to give up on love.

I just know this hurts and I am not sure whether letting go of this is worth looking for true romantic Intimate love and connection... If I move forward with this relationship he wants to marry me he told me and he is getting things in order to do so--I know woman that would kill to have him and they always pop out the woodwork so I know this for a fact---But its just not there... What should I do?

[Wondergirl]

You're a good writer and have expressed yourself well, so thank you for that.

Is is possible your backstory of abuse has numbed you to romantic feelings? By that I mean, if it were not this man, would another man give you warm fuzzies and tingles? Has ANY man given you warm fuzzies and a bit of a thrill since your divorce? And you lost trust -- a huge thing and one that's very difficult to reclaim. Are you possibly holding back for fear of being hurt again? And maybe your fiancé is afraid to venture too close?

It might be worth your while to sit down for a few sessions with a counselor or social worker who specializes in individual therapy in order to explore your personal and emotional expectations and longings. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you, but am wondering if either of you is holding the other at arm's length for whatever reason.

[talaniman]

I think he deserves honesty from you. Tell him you don't want to be married right now, and don't know when you will be. You certainly have the right to feel as you do, but you don't have the right to wallow in whatever YOUR issues are, and lead him on.

He deserves and needs to know your honest feelings so he can make a choice for himself, based on facts, not just his feelings, or your lack of them.

Just be straight and honest, that would be fair. I hope you deal with your issues in a healthy way, and wish you the best, whatever you decide.

[Jake2008]

I don't know at what point the two of you moved in together, but it seems to me that things went from zero to 100 in less than a minute in time.

From the first date with him, you have been involved with his family. The mother's day event sounds like a coming out party for a potential mother to his daughter. I'm not saying they aren't really nice people, but I'm saying that you have become very heavily involved in his life, and his family life, and perhaps it was too much too soon.

That you moved in with him somewhere along the line, or he with you, and have already blended as a family, might also now be more pressure on you to maintain the routine you have fallen into with him. As you said, you feel you are there to run a stable lifestyle. You're the missing link in a way to please everyone else.

He's happy, his daughter is happy, your daughter is happy, his family is happy. That is a lot of pressure to accept, especially considering what is expected in the future.

You yourself say that you don't think sex will solve all the problems, and I couldn't agree more. The lack of intimacy will not change how you feel about him, the relationship, or the future together as a married couple- he's shopping for a ring. The next logical step really.

You also say you can't see the marriage working. And I have to say, you are smart to really assess what is going on in your life. You won't feel any differently after the ring is on your finger.

You can't make yourself love him. Had you maintained your own place for the past year, and dated him exclusively, you would have eventually reached the same conclusion I think. It would have just been easier without the commitment you have made to him and everybody else, to be together and build a future.

You have choices. You can, and should, I think, let him know that your feelings have changed about everything. Be honest and tell him how you feel. Things have moved too fast, and you are just not feeling the same way he is about the future.

Counselling might help give you the insight you need to understand how to put the feelings you have, into making the changes you need to make. If that means ending the relationship, a little confirmation of your feelings and help getting through this can't hurt.

One thing I know, having been married over 35 years, if you don't have the essential building block of love to make a successful, long lasting partership, you will likely end up in the same place you are now, or five years from now, or 20 years from now, without it.