[unknownfella]

Hello,

I met this chick around 6 months ago and at the beginning we agreed we were just going to be friends and we hang out at least 1-2 days in week days and almost every weekend I would stayed at her house, I stop messing around with all other girls I had and just concentrate on this one as I thought that even though we had agreed to just be friends

I though in the close future we would get mutual feelings as normal for 2 persons that hangout a lot. I started to have feelings for her and I mess up by showing it to her and letting my guards down all that did was push her away, she did not contact me for 2-3 weeks no texts, no calls no nothing and I did not made an attempt to find out why she was doing that because I knew I had pushed her away.

I dropped off some flowers after 3 weeks in her front door along with a note and she called me and we started talking again (this was like 3 months ago) ever since then I have not mention anything about a relationship. We have awesome time when we together, we went on a cruise and we have had a couple of road trips together and we always enjoy each other's company , we laugh, we get drunk together, sex is awesome we have great communication.

Somehow we act like we are in a relationship but we are not, we have that respect for each other I know she not messing around with nobody calls her phone when we together, etc. She knows how I feel for her so I don't tell her anymore, am thinking she got to feel something for me because obviously after 6 months of dating and she have not giving me the bye bye yet I would think she have something for me. Just the other day she brought up a conversation and I told her that I can't just seat around waiting for her to make up her mind because I want to have a something sure and her answer was "you do have something"� and I told her yes but I cannot claim you as a girlfriend.

Where am trying to get to is that I have ditch all this girls that I get hit on constantly because I really like this one and honestly she is the hardest girl I have dealt with to make her my GF in my short (26 years) , I told myself I would give her 1 month to see how things are and if I see that she don't seem ready no matter how much I like/love her I will have to let her go because I want something serious.

How would I tell her that I have to let her go because I don't see that she's ready for a relationship? I don't know if I be doing the right thing or not! What do you guys/girls think. Sorry for the long story.

[I wish]

You're in a friends with benefits arrangement.

I suggest you stop this arrangement and have a serious talk. It's time to put your foot down. Either she's for a serious relatonship or she's not.

After everything that's happened between the two of you, I'm sure she knows what she wants, so you just need to find out the truth.

No sense waiting for something that may never happen.

[Jake2008]

In any relationship there has to be balance- who's needs are being met, and who's aren't. Putting the other persons needs first, or at least compromising, is an essential component to building something longer lasting, and more substantial that what has transpired so far. She is still on first base, and you've already played six innings.

You clearly want a relationship with her beyond what she allows- cruise, road trips etc. (I presume you pay for everything too?) She's 'in' when you provide or do something that pleases her, and when it all points to a developing relationship, she backs out.

If she felt the way you did, even a little bit, she would be saying things like, "I need more time before I make a committment", or "I'm not ready to be boyfriend/girlfriend", or, "let's talk about dating exclusively, but taking it slow".

None of that is happening, and nothing she has done is leading you on, or giving you a false impression. She is clear about her needs and wants, and they are not the same as yours. You cannot force a relationship to happen, or hope that you can wear her down, or that eventually she will see the light, etc.

So you have to stop and think what you are investing. Besides time and money, you are also investing emotions, hopes, dreams, time etc. You are compromising your own life by being in a stagnant, one-way place, that doesn't have any hope of a payoff.

So, you settle for her terms and conditions, or you realize that you want a bigger return on your personal investment (of yourself), and move on.

It is hard, and I don't mean to minimize your feelings at all, but it is also sad that you cannot see that whatever you continue to invest, will never result in a payoff; you will keep continuing to have what you have now, hoping that your number will come up.

I wish you well in really thinking this through with a critical eye and coming to, at least, a reasonable decision.

[unknownfella]

Thank you guys for the advice's. She actually pays for a lot too without me even asking she would just tell me please let me pay for the bill or whatever it is that we buying. I do understand what you are saying but am just a little confuse because for the past 3 weeks she texts me in the mornings saying good morning we talk throughout the day, she calls me before she go to bed, she barely goes out but when she do she tells me where and with who she going out with she calls me when she gets back and even sometimes while she is out, I let her be the one to communicate with me, she is showing some type of interest and she knows I like all that communication.I think what I need to do at the moment is backup a little bit and don't be so available for her and somehow show her that I'm losing interest (not true) to see if she notices and maybe that would be a wake up call. Is going to be hard when she tells me to go over and hangout or me not invite her out.

[I wish]

We can overanalyze all her actions and words all day, but the bottom line is, you still need to have a serious talk with her about what exactly is your relationship.

[Jake2008]

I wish is absolutely right on the money.

I don't know anybody in all the years I've been in a 'helping' position, who can accurately predict an outcome, based on human behaviour.

Even when, as in your case, she clearly reciprocates 'feelings', but, can you determine what they really are? Are you happy to sit on the fence and make presumptions, only to be left confused again, and make more presumptions? Read into her behaviour, actions, and words to determine what SHE wants too?

At this point, it isn't so much about her, it is about you. If you are prepared to carry on as things are, then don't complain down the road if nothing changes, and you've wasted your time hoping and preparing for a relationship that never happened.

Or, you can, as has already been suggested, step up and talk to her, and be prepared for an answer you do not want. When you are finally certain that she means what she says, then it is again up to you, to choose a path.

Best of luck to you.

[unknownfella]

You guys are completely right. I have to listen to the experience you guys have. Now the next thing is how would I approach her to put my foot down. What to ask? What to say! I think since I be putting her against the wall and she practically will need to make a decision on the spot I need to approach her in a proper way. Thank you guys

[I wish]

Arrange a time to meet. Instead of having sex, TALK!

Be honest with her, tell her exactly how you feel about her. You don't need to pressure her for answers, you just need to express your feelings. Once your feelings are made clear, let her decide what she wants to do next.

[talaniman]

I think the biggest mistakes you made where to wrap all your time in being with someone who told you it was just friends, so you followed your own agenda to get what you wanted any way, at the exclusion of all other options you had.

Adding the sex is what started the confusion as now you can't understand getting all the benefits of a relation sip, but not the title that goes with it. It would be perfect if you didn't need the title wouldn't it?

After 6 months though it is time to redefine the boundaries, and the friends only agreement, but to be honest, since its friends then why are YOU so exclusive to her.

Just me, I would be loving this relationship, but be balancing my life with other things to do, and people to see, because my friend, you have made yourself way to available for all her needs, and if you want to get a title, then she would have to agree to whatever commitment you wanted. How can she do that when she has it all, without the titles?

My approach would be to just back up, and be honest, you can't be exclusive without a title, nor can you be as available. But my actions would speak a lot louder than my words, and been done a long time ago, because instead of investing this much time in someone, and giving them my all in an attempt to attract them, I would have held something back, like being exclusive.

Now its time to be honest, and simply let her know the sex, and friendship has been GREAT, but to be exclusive, you need a TITLE to go along with all that greatness, so there can be clear boundaries of good behavior, and put an end to friends with benefits, so you can build, and not just coast along, not knowing where things are headed.

Now that may well change things but the important thing is to be clear about YOUR intentions and how you want to proceed, but you better be fully prepared for her to say no TITLES. That's why you should have been balancing your life before with friends and activities you enjoyed, instead of going along with her program, while presuming, and assuming, you could get what you wanted from her.

I mean, who changes their whole life to wrap their happiness around someone as you have without a commitment? I can't fault her for doing her thing her way. Neither should you. All you really had to do was keep doing your thing you were doing before you met her until you knew if she would compromise or not.

6 months is the perfect time to have the TALK though, and see what comes next.