[emmahills]

Hi, We married Feb last year 2010.His Ex wife had an 8 month old when they married and they had a daughter togetherthey were married for 2 yrs .When their daughter was one yr old.They divorced.Now, the Ex wife's son is 16 and their daughter is 13.when I met my husband his daughter was mean to me and my son from a previous marriage is 8 yrs old.I have forgiven the my step daughter and building up on our relationship.His ex wife's son has father who doenst want to see him due to his mood behaviour's.I had accepted the boy to come visit so my son can have someone to play with but I noticed he hits by son, crushes his toys and this has terrifed me.My husband has no control of the boy when he is in his moods and his mother will not have him checked by a psych doctor.(possble bipolar behaviour).I am afraid every summer as he is coming without my approval and my husband is adamant on him coming wherther I agree or not.
I am stuck!!

[tickle]

I suggest you and your son get out of that family relationship before someone gets hurt. Your husband is adamant that this youngster come visit when he is so violent? Tell your husband to control him then! Can't you deal with this situation and stand your ground?

[DoulaLC]

If your husband is adamant about him coming to visit, then he really needs to learn how to gain control. A parenting class may be helpful. There are classes that deal specifically with challenging children. You might contact your local health department, child welfare office, or your son's doctor for suggestions.

Ideally you and your husband work together to form a game plan. Sit the boy down on his next visit and discuss the concerns of previous visits. Then go over house rules and consequences. Let him have some say so. Then both of you will have to be sure that you follow through on what you say... even if that means sending the boy home early. You can let him know that he is welcome to come back another time and try it again when he feels he can abide by the rules.

Does he want to come and stay? Are there things in your area that he can participate in to keep busy? Does he have any friends near by?

If your husband won't go along with helping you to turn things around, try it on your own. If it still has no effect, then you might be left with making yourself and your son scarce when the boy comes to visit and let your husband deal with him most of the time.

[emmahills]

A severe violent act is my fear . I have five month old daughter and I feel between me and my husband things are OK, except he is pushing this boy down my throat... He belongs to his ex wife.How do I make it clear to my husband that he needs to change this situation?

[emmahills]

Thank you for response, this boy has no friends except his computer games,we can not sign him up for any programmes during summer because my husband does not guardianship on him.Most visits are pushed by his mother and neither my husband or his ex wife has the odesity to ask me if I mind him coming over.I love this man but this is beginning to affect my feelings for him.we have been married for a year now and we have a 5 month baby together.

[kcomissiong]

I do understand your concerns, but look at what you are asking. This is his child. You are asking him to choose. There isn't a choice there. How would you react if you and your husband were ever divorced, and his new wife said that your children could not see their father at her house? Think about how you are approaching him. Are you confronting his about the behavior in a way that automatically puts him on the defensive? Are you telling him to "fix-it or else?". (I know that the day my husband said to me choose him or the kids would be the day he found himself out on his a$$)If you are his partner, you need to work with him to resolve the issues with his son, and to keep your children safe. Share your concerns and find some constructive ways to deal with them. DoulaLC has some great suggestions. Anything that happens should be the result of your partnership and plans, and not you forcing his hand. Talk to him about what your deal breakers are in terms of behavior, and what you would like to see change. Your local department of social services is a wonderful option for resources on counseling and parenting classes. If your husband is not willing to work with you on keeping your home a safe and stable environment for you and your children, then you have a much bigger issue than his son.

[kcomissiong]

I forgot to add that presenting a united front when dealing with children is essential. They detect when you are at odds over a course of action and exploit it. You both have to agree on the rules, and you both have to enforce them.