[diasaint]

My (ex)Girlfriend and I were dating for just over 3 1/2 years. I won't lie and say the relationship was perfect, we had quite a few mishaps but nothing serious. We've only had one problem that lead to a break-up because of both of our stress from our jobs and being full time at college (the previous break-up happened on the week of mid-term exams) but I met her at home a few hours later to try and discuss what had actually happened.

While I was there we both were crying and she told me she made a mistake by all of a sudden calling it off with me and we've been with each other for about a year since then. We've seen each other almost everyday since we got out of high school and I even went with her and her family to the Carolina's for their family events. I spent Christmas's and Thanksgivings with her family as well, she has spent those holidays with my family as well.

Recently she decided she needs to figure out where her life is going, which is why she says she wants a break, and says she doesn't want to be in a relationship for a while and she might not want to be in one even then (didn't make sense to me and still doesn't). I am on her cellphone plan and she refused to take me off it at least for a little while because she still wants to keep in touch with me. We just closed our joint bank account a couple of days ago after class, which was absolute hell for me because it felt like something special even though we hardly used it at all.

We have class together every Thursday and I can't stand being there knowing we are broken up. But after we closed the bank account we both went home (separate homes) and I was supposed to go to her place later that night to exchange belongings while she was at her night class. I wanted answers from our break-up because they were and still are very unclear for me so I went very late when I knew she would be getting out of class and be there soon.

I walked in to find that she has been sleeping on the couch, open liquor bottles, a lighter(I know she smokes cigs when she is stressed out), and the pictures of me and her were still on her wall in her room (I wasn't snooping, I was told to put her stuff in there). When she got home she walked through the door in tears before we even started talking. I asked her why we broke up and if it is really just time she wanted or if I should move on with no hope of getting back together. We were both crying hysterically over each other and she told me that she wanted time and doesn't know if she ever wants a relationship (personally I think it is because of the way she was brought up, which wasn't a good childhood at all, she had to basically live on her own through the whole thing). I told her where her stuff was and also told her that I put a bunch of stuff that I couldn't bear to look at or throw away in with them and I put a few things on her kitchen table (pictures and a stuffed animal that she got me on our first christmas). As I was leaving she quickly said wait while I was half way out the door and ran over and gave me a long hug. She told me that she still loves me and to give her a few days (monday) for her to decide if she is done with me for good or if I should wait for her.

So basically I have to wait to be told if I should wait for her or move on. I think it would be my best bet to meet her Monday night after her class in the same fashion as before so I can at least know it's over.

As far as relationship strength goes, just about everyone I have talked to said that they wished they had a relationship as strong as mine and that I was a very lucky guy to experience the emotions we had together (a few times from complete strangers, obviously not exact wording from everyone but the same sense).

I really hate to give up on her and leave her because I feel like this is when she needs me most, she works way to many hours and is having trouble keeping up with her classes while paying her bills, she will be losing her house soon because the original owner died before the deed/papers were signed over and they property was still being paid for, and her brother is in the marines (they were very close, she says he was the only person that she could count on growing up).

We've been apart for about a week now and she says there is nobody else that she is attracted to or with, she said this every time I've asked her.

I can't bear losing her because she is my life. I would just assume that she is gone forever but the whole cellphone plan thing seems kind of weird to me and when I showed up to meet her Thursday night it didn't seem like she wanted to be without me but that is why I don't understand this "break" we are having.

I know this is a lot and I thank all of you just for taking the time to read it but does anyone have any thoughts on the matter? I've been going by "if you love something, then let it go, and if it comes back... you have something very special" but I don't know what to do.


Thanks everyone.

[talaniman]

so basically I have to wait to be told if I should wait for her or move on. I think it would be my best bet to meet her Monday night after her class in the same fashion as before so I can at least know it's over

Well I guess you really won't know anything until Monday, so a few days to hope for the best but prepare for the worst is in order. If she wants a break up, give it to her and bow out gracefully and make a clean cut of it, or else this will be a long messy drawn out mess that will make you both miserable.

If it is indeed a break, do something about that phone plan, no lingering business between you.

That's what I would do. Sorry guy, wish I had a better plan for you.

[ITstudent2006]

How old are you?

A common misconception in the world of love is that it lasts forever. Nothing is guaranteed and the ending can be all but hell.

The one thing to understand is that people change. I broke up with my ex-fiance after 5 years because I changed. The things I wanted in H.S. was no longer what I wanted. I grew up, I changed. That's life. At this point you really have no choice but to wait. Do not pressure her into a decision but do not wait around pathetically for a decision. I understand it's been 3 1/2 years but you have dignity. Use it to focus on things that are important to you besides her.

Another thing. People can tell you all day that they envy the relationship you had but the truth is this. No one knows what happens behind closed doors. No one knows how strong a relationship is unless they're in it. Do not take that heavily.

I wish you luck, and I hope you do what's best for you. Because in the end, we only have... ourselves!

[diasaint]

I am 20 and she will be 20 in a few weeks. I understand that I need to prepare for the worst and I've been trying my absolute hardest.

And let's jump to the conclusion that this is really the end for us. How do I get through the class we have together without feeling any hurt? It doesn't really give me time to get over her at all when we are in the class together every week and I don't want every week to feel like the break up all over again.

[Lucky098]

My question is, why are you waiting with baited breath on her choice? If I were you, I'd be a bit peeved that she wants to dump me out of the blue because life isn't all rainbows and butterflies. Quiet honestly, I think she's playing your feelings like a fiddle!

I worked for a cell phone company. Terminating contracts is very expensive. That would honestly be my only guess as to why the phone bill is still together.

I don't think you should sit around and wait for her to get her head screwed back on. She's either with you or she isn't. None of this, "I need a break for a week". That's a bit bogus in my book. If you really love someone ( on both your end and hers ), it shouldn't matter what problems you run into or what kind of ridiculous work schedule is in front of you, you should be there for one another.. not bailing the minute the water gets a bit rough.

If I were you, I'd cut the string. Don't allow her to call the shots. If you take control of your life, your relationship and your feelings, then she will realize how strong you actually are and will either go back to you, or continue walking.

Don't wait until Monday. Do something now.

[diasaint]

Lucky,

I completely understand where you are coming from on this subject, and I would be dishonest if I said I disagree with you; however, I know she is insecure and has trouble leaning on her family when she is in need of something because she has always be hesitant about that for as long as I can remember, from anyone and everyone. My heart and soul are pretty much bound to her until I at least know I don't have a chance and it is over... I don't want to wake up 30 years from now and wonder if my life would have been better if I had waited that extra few days.

Now I do agree that I should get something done now but I also agree that people need "alone time" whether that be actual time alone or just time out with friends having fun so they can get back into their natural flow of life, I know we both have changed a lot since we started dating. We talked about it quite a bit and sometimes we wondered if it was a good or bad thing but we never really decided on it at those times. We saw each other every day since high school so that's about 2 years of seeing each other everyday.

I think I will have to go with talaniman on this and wait out these two days with the best of hopes while preparing for the absolute worst.

When I meet her on Monday I will however explain that I should be the one that she leans on when she needs help or is just having a stressful day but I also don't want to pressure her into it.

Thank you everyone for your input on the matter, truly the only thing I want is for her to be happy... and it hurts me to say this but even if it means I'm not part of her life anymore.

[Lucky098]

Do what you got to do.. I just think its crazy that the one person she loves and cares for, she is pushing away.

Maybe she is feeling trapped by you because you live together, you have bills together, class together.. yet no diamond ring. Maybe you shouldn't live together, have separate bills and find a different class to finish out the semester. Give her a separation between "soul mate" and "boyfriend". Maybe that talk alone will save your relationship. Of course go slow and both be in agreement of the new situation. Sometimes you need to take a couple steps back to get ahead... and that also includes splitting the phone bill. A single phone bill isn't that expensive. Help her find a new apartment and leave it at that. If she wants to have you engulf her world, she can stay at your place :) That way when she wants her time, she can leave without hurting your feelings or her feelings.

[amicon]

I think this is a classic-'asking for a break instead of being honest enough to break up' situation.

It's got all the signs of a person wanting after a couple of years,to explore and see what else is out there,whilst keeping the backdoor open in case that turns out to be not too great.

Have your talk on Monday by all means,but be prepared for the worst.

Sorry,but this happens a lot,young people wanting change after a couple of years.

[diasaint]

Thank you for your input on the matter, it makes this situation of mine a little easier to understand. I think the biggest thing that is bugging me is that a few months ago she said she wanted to be with me for the rest of her life and we discussed marriage. I planned to propose to her on our 4 year anniversary until about a month ago when she said she decided she doesn't want to get married and I completely understood with the argument that she made to support that decision. But even after that discussion she still said she still wanted to be with me for the rest of her life so I don't know anymore...

[diasaint]

Threads merged


Today, when I saw my ex girlfriend in class it made me feel the "butterflies" in my stomach that I used to feel just before and at the start of our relationship. We dated for 3 1/2 years and broke up because she wanted a "break" and says we went from being in a relationship to just being "a thing". I truly love this girl more than anything and I thought I was making good progress on moving on until I saw and talked to her in class today (we talked like we were very good friends) and I felt a very strong desire to ask her to go to lunch or a movie with me but fought the urge because I'm scared of being rejected by her again. We've only been apart for just over a week and I was wondering if it is too soon to jump in and ask her out on a date or if I should take the chance now.

When we broke up she said she still wants to stay in contact with me and that she doesn't want me to disappear from her life. She also said she still loves me but doesn't feel the "spark" anymore (I assume she just means she is not IN LOVE with me, just loves me in a different way). She's not seeing anyone else and said she's not attracted to anyone else at the moment.

So my overall question is should I take the chance of being rejected and ask for a single date, should I hold off a little longer (and if so how long should I wait), or just forget about her and try to move on (I really don't like this option).

I am 20 and she will be 20 in a few weeks... should I do anything for her birthday? Just send a simple text wishing her a happy birthday? Or send a card?


I know this is a lot and I appreciate all the help.


Thanks


I also want to add that she emailed me saying it was good to see me and have a nice conversation and that she hopes I have a good day. Not sure if this means anything or not but I never email friends saying that sort of thing (might just be a chick thing lol).

[talaniman]

You are in the friend zone, and that's where you will stay for the rest of your born days on earth, so don't let her being nice fool you, or give you false hope. Yes send her a birthday card but you better get busy being unavailable for her chit chat or contacts.

Even if she thanks you for the card. Its going to be hard, seeing her a lot and coping with old feelings being stirred up, but she doesn't have to know that so don't show it.

Fake it 'till you make it, but do know its time to move on.

[diasaint]

Thank you for your input on the matter, it truly is helpful. I think I am doing pretty decent at moving on except I dream of her every night, which makes every day feel like a repeat of the break up. We haven't communicated by any means since our class and I have 4 more classes (12 hours) of her company left before I can completely "disappear" from her life.

Thanks Again.

[amicon]

Then you grin and bear it during those remaining classes-and be proud of yourself that you got through it once it's done.

The dreams will fade,until they do,distract yourself from falling into repeat break up mode by getting busy.

Oh,and me,I wouldn't bother with a birthday card...