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purplelou · Mar 22, 2011, 04:30 AM

My children stay with their father every Wednesday and Saturday night,my son has requested that the overnight stay on Wednesday stops as he is tired and it is disrupting his school work-he is 9.Their father won't listen.we have no formal agreement set up and he has not signed a parental responsibility form,what can I do?

smoothy · Mar 22, 2011, 04:37 AM

The only way that's going to happen is with a court specified custody/visitation agreement. Absent one.. its by the good graces of the custodial parent.

JudyKayTee · Mar 22, 2011, 05:02 AM

As Smoothy said, you have complete control of the situation at this point. Refuse Wednesday visitation.

The father can then take you to Court, get DNA testing to prove paternity and request custody or visitation.

Is he paying child support? If not, why not?

Fr_Chuck · Mar 22, 2011, 05:11 AM

Yes, of course the father can always go to court and ask for 50/50 custody also, which is an option so it does not distrup school.

But why is it making him tired, why is it causing a issue, if doen properly, it is just sleeping over at another house ?

But right now there is no formal anything, but he can go to court to ask for it.

purplelou · Mar 22, 2011, 07:25 AM

My son gets tired because both him his sister and father sleep in the same room,his sleep is disturbed and he has a busy day at school the next day,I have had to go to the school today to see what they can do as I can't get hold of my solicitor,the school said they would talk to my children and then talk to their father.Either way their father will turn up at the school to pick them up tomorrow and without getting the police involved how can I stop him.He will not listen to my reasoning or his sons

smoothy · Mar 22, 2011, 07:42 AM

Originally Posted by purplelou

my son gets tired because both him his sister and father sleep in the same room,his sleep is disturbed and he has a busy day at school the next day,I have had to go to the school today to see what they can do as I can't get hold of my solicitor,the school said they would talk to my children and then talk to their father.Either way their father will turn up at the school to pick them up tomorrow and without getting the police involved how can I stop him.He will not listen to my reasoning or his sons

YOU can't stop him any more than he can stop YOU from doing many things.

Without the Court specifying conditions... you really can't do anything.

Your solicitor can't either... it requires a court order. And if you take it there... He might file for custody and get it. Or get even MORE time with them.

I am beginning to think this is really more about your personal issues with the father than it is about the children.

excon · Mar 22, 2011, 07:48 AM

Hello p:

You should be aware that if a court gets involved, they'll most likely order MORE visitation for the father, not LESS.

The sleeping arrangements need to be addressed, but NOT by eliminating visitation altogether. If I were you, I'd try to work it out with him like you've been doing. If you go to court, nobody is going to be happy except the solicitors.

excon

purplelou · Mar 22, 2011, 07:54 AM

I have always encouraged that my children see a lot of their father as I think it is very important but all I want is for my children to be happy and I have tried talking to their dad to resolve the issues but he refuses to communicate with me,I find it very hard when my son is crying when his father picks him up because he doesn't want to go

smoothy · Mar 22, 2011, 08:14 AM

When a kid is afraid of a parent its usually because the other parent has said things about them, you may not intend it... but kids do pick up on tension between their parents, particularly when they aren't together.

Remember there is always two sides to a story... and each side always thinks they are the ones that are right. Reality is both are right and both are wrong. Its rarely ever one sided. (if everything was right... you'd still be together after all).

I suspect they are picking up on that tension. Even if they don't understand it... they know it's there. Particularly when they are very young. And at 9, if he's crying about a visit... I most certainly think that's the case.

But like was said... if you push this... it might end up someplace you don't want... and he gets even more custody... or even full custody. Then its no longer something you decide among yourselves. Its something you are both told to do, and when.

I'm not pointing fingers either way... but you are trying to dictate what he can and can't do when he's with his own kids... and if it was me... it would upset me too. Its not like he's having beer parties etc... or anything that's really not appropriate given his resources.

Take some time and think about that a bit... how would YOU feel if he was telling YOU what to do when you have them? See the point I'm trying to make? It might lighten up that tension that is there. I can see that putting him on the defensive and causing what you are complaining about from him.

And like I said... even small children can pick up when things are hostile between their parents. And they are rarely able to understand what's really wrong or going on. And fear is a resulting reaction.

joypulv · Mar 22, 2011, 01:11 PM

The three of them should not be sleeping in the same room, period.
We aren't there to know what happens in that room - snoring, TV blaring, what is making your son tired?
Maybe it's sexual awareness and an uncomfortable feeling starting, or wanting privacy.
FIND OUT what is going on, gently, and deal with your ex. Maybe two days together would be better, such as Friday and Saturday.

cdad · Mar 22, 2011, 01:19 PM

Originally Posted by joypulv

The three of them should not be sleeping in the same room, period.
We aren't there to know what happens in that room - snoring, TV blaring, what is making your son tired?
Maybe it's sexual awareness and an uncomfortable feeling starting, or wanting privacy.
FIND OUT what is going on, gently, and deal with your ex. Maybe two days together would be better, such as Friday and Saturday.

If the father of children can only afford a studio apartment (basically one big room) then its going to happen. Or if the father is living in a hotel it can happen that way also. So your first statement is off a bit. When noncustodial parents are told to pay support and can not live the courts don't care. I was told they didn't care of I lived in a cardboard box so long as I keep making the payments. So where would the kids be expected to go ?

JudyKayTee · Mar 23, 2011, 07:24 AM

Originally Posted by joypulv

The three of them should not be sleeping in the same room, period.
We aren't there to know what happens in that room - snoring, TV blaring, what is making your son tired?
Maybe it's sexual awareness and an uncomfortable feeling starting, or wanting privacy.
FIND OUT what is going on, gently, and deal with your ex. Maybe two days together would be better, such as Friday and Saturday.

Sorry, Joy, but this is not legally correct - and this is a legal forum. There is no "should not" legal advice. I've seen this argument made in Court and it fails every time. The child is old enough to tell the mother what/why he does not want to visit. If the mother does what a responsible parent does (go to Court and get an ORDER covering visitation/custody and support) everyone involved will KNOW what the rules are.

I understand the mother's frustration but the Courts are set up for these exact situations. Why she choses not to take that path is unknown to me.

Get a Court Order, make arguments to the Court, present evidence, get it in writing.