[Pboy87]

Entire story merged

Sorry 4 such a long question.. my girlfriend of 5months recently told me that last year on new years eve she got drunk and made out with her best friend (guy) that night. She says she was depressed after a breakup she had 8 months prior to that and drinking made her relive her depression and she made out with her best friend as she couldn't think straight. She went topless with him but didn't have sex. In the morning both realised what had happened and he asked her if they should start dating after what happened. She refused as she never saw him that way. And they still continue to be best friends.
My question is.. she was intoxicated and made out with that guy.. he didn't refuse her or stop her as he was drunk as well she says.. isnt it date rape if a guy has sexual contact with a woman when she is drunk and would have not done what she did with the guy if she wasn't under the influence of drinks?
Also.. I have started feeling very weird about her past after she told me about this as they are still best friends.. we live and a very conservative society and any girl having many sexual partners or one night stands gets termed as a slut.. or easy or loose girl.. I don't know what to do.. can't get images of her and that guy out of my head.. by the way, she has had 5 sexual partners before me.. 3 that she went topless with.. and 2 who she had sex with.. we are 22 yrs old.. I have a past as well and I'm not bothered about what she did with her boyfriends.. but this one night stand really bothers me... I'm not good friends with any of my exes as she is.. acquintances maybe.. and it makes me feel weird as well.. sometimes I feel I am jealous of the guys of her past as they got her so easily.. (ie.. one night.. or one week of dating.. etc).. I do love her a lot.. bt don't know what to do about this feeling.. please help.. I'm not insecure in any way and I trust her that she will never leave me..

[answerme_tender]

Pboy,

Good lord, we are talking about a situation that occurred before you were even going out with her. They didn't even have sex. She seems to have had control over situation, she said "no" to anymore then making out. Wow, are you really so desperate to hate this guy, that you would even think that this was a "Date rape" situation. This is a good example of how people can get falsely accused of a crime that they didn't commit.

If you cannot live with knowing your girlfriend isn't a virgin, and has been with BY CHOICE other men, then you need to move on. Your past relationships, are just that PAST, and that means no one including new partner has the right to be judge and jury.

If you don't get over this jealousy, and just let it continue to eat away at you, it will ruin your relationship with this lady. Now at 22yros I would hope that the 3 so called people she just went topless wouldn't be considered FULL SEX partners. I would just consider them 3 people she happened to have made out with. Do you really consider the girls you have made out with, even if you got their tops off someone you had SEX with.

[slapshot_oi]

It's easy to judge when you can't empathize, am I right in assuming she has a longer sexual resume than you?

In my opinion, you're in a better position dating a girl who has had multiple one-night stands versus one who didn't. She already knows what they're like, so curiosity won't get the best of her and she can appreciate a real relationship that much more.

You'll learn that sexual history is really irrelevant. and not to ask about it in case something like this happens.

So, just don't think about, don't ask about it, and try to forget about it and move on.

[Pboy87]

Thanks for replying.. I know she isn't a virgin.. n that isn't a problem.. she was sexually active since 17.. n had 5 partners before me.(kissed many others). Made out with 5.. As in 3 topless.. n 2 sex.. I was sexually active after I turned 21.. had 5 partners.. 4 sex and 1 make out (not topless though).. its not that issue..
It's the one night with her best friend who she considered a platonic friend , if she was drunk and depressed.. why couldn't that guy stop her if even he considered her such a great friend.. he got an opportunity and pounced... n then next morning both act as if nothing happened.. n r now still best friends.. n her constant contact with her exes that bothers me.. like even when we are togthr.. she would reply their texts.. etc..
I mean.. I liked all my exes and had a certain emotional connect with them.. but she usually was into it for experimentation because.. 'everyone around her was doing it' n was just in one proper relationship.. n when the guy dumped her she was depressed and had her depressed make outs like that one night and a rebound before it.. so excpt for one guy who she loved.. othrs were casual flings for her for few weeks.. even this isn't a problem with me..
Its just that one night stand that I hv a problem with.. how could she get phsyical with sum1 who she didn't even feel attracted to.. was platonic.. n suddenly that night both get drunk.. n both end up making out topless..

[answerme_tender]

You are WAY to hung up on her past. Now do you really think she would have any contact with someone that tried to date rape her. This guy didn't pounce, if he did it would have been full blown sex and she wouldn't have him as her BEST FRIEND afterwards. She would have wanted him as far away from her as possible.
My opinion is that you are making too much out of it, but its always easier to feel that way when your not involved. We have all done something that we are ashamed of in our life time. Either get over it, and enjoy your relationship with this lady, or move on.

[slapshot_oi]

[the issue is] the one night with her best friend who she considered jus a platonic friend. . .

You're overreacting, that's not a one-night stand. It's kissing (topless big deal). She just broke-up with her boyfriend and, add insult to injury, it New Years Eve where people are supposed to kiss. Being the intelligent guy that I am, I figured out that she made out with her best friend because she was lonely and he had the only available pair of lips she could trust.

how could she get phsyical with sum1 who she didnt even feel attracted to.

You actually answered this question in your original post and I broke it down for you above. Unless you really didn't like any of the ex-girlfirneds you dated, you should know what that feels like.

Let it go.

[Pboy87]

At slapshot.. you are right.. thtswht she told me.. that she was all alone on new years... didn't want to stay home reading a book ,she had many party invitations , but she chose to go here because it was an old friend who was throwing the bash.. and she drinks in company she trust.. (wht trust.. he made out with her.. :P.) anyway.. she got depressed and then ended up making out with him that night and went topless.. she says he was too drunk as well.. but.. he could have stopped her if he wantd to I feel.. he had some attraction towards her or somethng. She says next morning he asked her if they should date or nythng ftr what happened... she was depressed.. anyone around would do.. so she went with the host... by the way, her breakup was 8months before this.. n she was still not over it? Does depression make people do such drastic things? Really?

At answerme.. she isn't ashamed of anythng.. doesn't regret anythng.. instead feels it was awesome.. n usd to brag about her past when we had initially met..

[ITstudent2006]

I won't even get into this one. I agree with both answerme and slapshot.

Also, what's your fetish on being topless or not when someone kisses. It's just boobs?

[slapshot_oi]

. . . anyway.. she got depressed and then ended up making out with him tht night n went topless.. she says he ws too drunk as well.. but.. he could have stopped her if he wantd to i feel.. he had some attraction towards her or somethng. she says next morning he asked her if they shud date or nythng ftr wht happened... she ws jus depressed.. anyone around wud do.. so she went with the host... btw, her breakup ws 8months b4 this.. n she ws still not over it? does depression make ppl do such drastic things?? really?

Lol.. . At this point I just have to laugh. There's no indication of moving forward, you're repeating yourself, except your spelling is way off this time around (posting from a cellphone?). You clearly don't want to get over this.

I don't know what to tell you dude. The options are pretty simple: get over it per my suggestions in my first post, or leave her for someone who has a more acceptable sexual history.

[Homegirl 50]

I think you need to leave this girl alone before you make her feel bad about herself. This problem is yours.

He was drunk too, it didn't go anywhere and they know each other well enough to know it was just a drunk one night thing.
If this bothers you this much, this girl is not the one for you.

[Pboy87]

Well.. I really do want to get over this.. I really do.. I just don't know how to.. I mean.. what do I do? She is perfect for me on all counts.. she doesn't mind me flirting with other girls.. doesn't even mind me dating any other girl.. doesn't get insecure.. no jealousy.. nothing.. hell.. she doesn't even have a problem if I go screw sum other chick... as long as she knows I'll be coming back to her.. and am emotionally hers.. is a homely caring girl but also very wild in bed.. I mean.. just perfect.. n we both really love each other.. I really want to make things work.. . going topless and things isn't a big deal for her as well..
But the community we live in.. Looks at such girls very low.. even premarital sex is like a taboo still in many parts of my country.. even kissing a guy is like a 'woah' for many people.. n going topless wouldn't just mean that.. it would mean complete fondling and kissing etc.etc.. It just makes me jealous that others got her drunk and got her that easily... her ex dumped her for another girl as he couldn't handle her fast life and even in bed.. for another lesser girl. Who was comparatively slower.. n was a virgin.. so he dumped this girl for a virgin... n she was devastated as she was in love with him then and went into depression as nothing went right for her even professionally( she was kind of suicidal at first she says.. then she went into her rebound)... so she did all this in her depression.. otherwise she isn't the type who would do this.. depression made her do this and get so easy for that guy. That's why its weird for me and I need advise on how to overcome it..

At homegirl.. I know I have kind of made her feel bad about it sometimes.. as I just cut off when she talks about that guy.. and she does know I have a problem about it.. we have very good communication between us.. but she doesn't know what to do to make me feel OK.. as it has already happened.. and can't be changed.. but that guy is a complete playboy.. bedding a new girl almost every few days.. and mostly into girls just for the sex bit.. its just weird he didn't leave even his best friend and had to add her in his 'list'...

[slapshot_oi]

she is perfect for me on all counts.. she doesnt mind me flirting with other girls.. doesnt even mind me dating any other girl.. doesnt get insecure.. no jealousy.. nothing.. hell.. she doesnt even have a problem if i go screw sum other chick... as long as she knows i'll b coming back to her..and am emotionally hers.. is a homely caring girl but also very wild in bed.. i mean..just perfect.. n we both really love each other.. i really want to make things work.. .. going topless and things isnt a big deal for her as well. . . but the community we live in.. looks at such girls very low.. even premarital sex is like a taboo still in many parts of my country.. even kissing a guy is like a 'woah' for many people.. n going topless wouldnt just mean that.. it would mean complete fondling n kissing etc.etc.. it just makes me jealous that others got her drunk n got her that easily....

Let me get this straight.. . You can put your "perfect girlfriend" aside, compartmentalize your feelings for her whilst taking some other broad out to dinner with the intention of sleeping with her that night, and this is a-okay.. . But you're throwing a fit because, before you two were dating, she made with a good friend of hers she on New Years 2010?

Figure it out on you're on your own pal. I ain't supporting this garbage.

[Pboy87]

No no.. I have never done that.. I'm just saying that she is THAt open to it.. I don't believe in multiple dating.. I love her.. n want her.. that's all... don't get me wrong..

[answerme_tender]

Pboy,

Bottom line is ---its up to you. We have given our opinions based on what we would do,feel,experienced in our lives. You might want to take the time to read some of the other post on this site. How people are going through tremendous heart break because they have no one. You have a young lady that you say you love and want to be with. You better get your priorities straight or we will be seeing you back on this site wondering how you loss this girl. Acceptance is a huge part of real love and you are lacking in that dept right now.

[Pboy87]

Thanks.will surely try and work on that bit. I know I hv had my share of past sex .n had this been any other guy I wouldn't bother.. the fact that its her bestfrnd creeps me. By the way, could it be possible that SHE used him to get out of her loneliness then?

[Homegirl 50]

If your girl friend didn't have sex with this guy what is your problem? He didn't have sex with her, he may have been drunk but he didn't cross the line with her.
If you care so much about what other people think of her, leave her alone. She does not need to be made to feel guilty about what she did with her best friend before she was even dating you.

[talaniman]

I think you are to caught up into what everyone else thinks for your own good. Let society do what it does, and you get over yourself by being grateful for having a great partner, and do nothing to mess it up. What goes on in your own head is your problem to deal with, not hers and not fair for you to make it her problem.

I have never given a rats patoot on what the females that I dated did before me, nor their drunken escapades, of their youth, and I highly suggest you do the same, because judging people on what the did as KIDS just ain't the true picture of what they are TODAY.

What may be wrong by one persons standard may not be wrong by another so work on what's common to you both and leave the rest of the BS alone. This is all about the fear of not meeting your standards, and seeing the negatives, and not listening to the whole tapes that have both positive, and negatives because just think, didn't you put all your exes in a negative light according to society? You had sex without marriage and what's the difference between your feelings for them, and your actions that makes it okay, but hers actions that were not okay. That's BS, and hypocrisy.

Judge yourself as harshly as you judge her, and maybe you can cope better with those images that your prejudices have conjured in your head.

[ITstudent2006]

well ..i really do want to get over this.. i really do.. i just dont know how to.. i mean.. what do i do? she is perfect for me on all counts.. she doesnt mind me flirting with other girls.. doesnt even mind me dating any other girl.. doesnt get insecure.. no jealousy.. nothing.. hell.. she doesnt even have a problem if i go screw sum other chick...

What the hell? I hope you're referring to if you guys broke up she would allow this stuff. You need to get over it plain and simple.

My wife and I have each had our fair share (fair share is an understatement) of sexual encounters before meeting each other. Many drunk times as well. I don't get pissed at those guys or at her, because I expect her not to do the same to me or the girls I was with. Regardless of what I/she thinks of the other person.

The past is the past. Forget the past and live the present, if you can't forget the past then forget the present because she'll be gone!

[Pboy87]

What the hell?! I hope you're referring to if you guys broke up she would allow this stuff.

@ IT student.. No.. She wouldn't mind that even if now.. when I'm with her.. but I don't want to do such things.. or would ever do such things.. for her physical intimacy isn't a big deal.. thts why she wouldn't making out or kissing or anything just anyone.. but emotional bonding is very important to her..
I am trying my best to forget her past.. but its not that easy as she keeps talking about that guy.. or that guy constantly keeps messaging and calling her up even when we are togthr.. or writing on her wall on Facebook.. so it just pisses me off as it feel she is getting in the way..

@talaniman.. I know I have had my share.. n I have never judged her what she did as a kid.. since she was 17-18.. had sex, made out with her then flings just to experiment and try how it feels... even though I always waited to find someone I loved and didn't just do it with anyone , I'm not bothered about that.. it just makes me feel weird that she had a one nightstand with someone who she considered a platonic friend.. no emotional bonding other than friendship.. no physical attraction to him.. nothing.. tin depression she made out.. thts why its weird.. I will get over it.. but the process is going very slow.. thts why I needed suggestions as to How I could get over it soon..

[talaniman]

OH, sorry my misunderstanding, your looking for a short cut to feel better. There are none, but I think if you were not so distracted by the deed, and seeing things through your own morality, you could see facts, and not just YOUR feelings.

Fact is you have to empathize with HER situation. Obviously you have never been at a place where need overpowers common sense. Especially when inhibitions are lowered by ALCOHOL.

You also presume wrongly that platonic friends have no feelings for each other. That's never true, as most good friends have very strong, and intense feelings of love, and loyalty, and a deep caring. So they got drunk, and crossed a line, they stopped before it got to far, and then they would have really regretted it. All they did was make out, what's the big deal.

Another fact you ignore when we feel bad about ourselves, or our situation, is that it can be so bad that we want something to make us feel better. Some fall in a bottle, others fall into the arms of any that will accept them.

You want to get over this, then tell her that talking in details of her past flips you out, and never ask her of it again.

Most of all, to move on, stop thinking of her actions as being wrong. That's what you are really hung up on, You think she was wrong, but the real truth is she made a mistake, learned and don't repeat it. Have you never made a mistake? Did you learn from it? Did you repeat it? If so, give her the same consideration as you gave yourself, and stop dwelling on it. That would be a mistake. Dwelling on her mistake.

As for the images in your head, cope with them. Your thoughts are for you to control from within, so practice pushing them aside and they will fade. Sorry guy there are no shortcuts or magic pill, just keep working at it and don't expect instant results, and you won't get frustrated with your lack of great progress.