[Pboy87]

Hey talaniman.. thanks 4 writing it so nicely.. well.. I know all they did was making out.. but in my country.. even kissing is a big deal.. being nude in front of someone a much bigger deal.. there are people who exist in my society who do not marry girls that are not virgin.. I know it's a ****ty thing. But the society here is Male dominant.. guys screw around.. bt if a girl does it.. she is an outcast and no one wants to marry her..
About her situation.. she was dumped in April 09.. had her rebound and in a about of depression made out with him once.. again going topless with him.. but then never after that.. and told him she couldn't give him a chance as she wasn't over the ex. And is still friends with that guy.. who was 14 yrs older to her..
I don't have anything with this guy.. but it just pisses me off to see him message her almost every time we are together.. because the very first time that she and me were together and making out.. she would occasionally move back and reply this guys texts and then get back to me.. I wasn't upset then.. but later was hurt that though she was physically there with me she was messaging a guy from her past who a she had physical relations with. She apologised about this when I told her that it did hurt me but the reason she gave was crap.. saying that she was doing that as she thought I was playing with her and she started liking me so didn't want to have an emotional bond with me as it would just hurt again so she kept getting back and distracted herself. Weird that I was the only guy in her life that she did this to.
I never asked about her past.. I wasn't Ever bothered about knowing anything about it.. she used to say it to me herself.. her escapades.. her first kiss.. with who.. how she made out and went topless the very first time... her first sex.. with who.. why.. because her friends were doing it so even she wanted to try it.. her constant relationship for almost 2 years.. how the guy wasn't that good in bed.. the sex positions she has tried with him.. then the guy.. who said he always loved her.. dumped her.. as she wasn't virgin when she met him and he wanted to marry a virgin girl and found himself a virgin.. she then went to that 35 yr old guy.. he was her rebound.. she was depressed one day and made out with him.. that guy is her fathers student and regular drinking partner with her father( she stays with parents).. n then that she got drunk on new years eve.. she was all lonely and depressed and made out with that guy.. (sometimes it does make me jealous as he was such a lucky dog that he got a girl on new years that he didn't even think about making out).. n then how they continued being friends.. ALL these details were given by her to me.. over the months that we dated.. without me ever asking for any of these details.. I don't know why it was important for me to know..
She would keep saying that the new years night make out was Awesome and fantastic.. but once during our conversation she admitted not remembering much of what happened.. her other guy friends now hit on her whenever she is drunk and tell her.. if you could do it with that guy why not with me etc.. I mean.. they think this of her.. it just hurts me..
And then when we first had sex it pained her as hell because she hadn't done it for almost 1.5yrs.. n then some days later she told me that we need to work on our sex as its not great.. we spoke on this and she kind of has trust issues.. she says she would perform much better in a one night stand.. or with a stranger than with someone who she is emotionally bonded with as she screws up , gets conscious and can't let go completely with the person she loves as she has certain trust issues... she never opened up with anyone before.. except me.. not even her ex boyfrnd of 2 yrs and has never felt an orgasm with him.. she says she did once with the first guy but that was by accident as she didn't know she was going to orgasm or she would have held back and has always been holding back ever since.
All this about her past.. I didn't need to know.. but.. she told me.. I appreciate her telling me.. but seriously.. girls.. don't give out so many details.. please.. it screws up the mind as no guy wants to imagine what his girl did elsewhere.. before... and the problem here is that she is still close friends with each one of those guys.. if it was the past.. why not let those guys go their own way..

[Homegirl 50]

Tell her you don't want to hear about all of her escapades. I don't think you two are right for each other and it may be best to let her go.

[Pboy87]

Comment on Homegirl 50's post

I did.. and since that day it has stopped.. why do you feel we are not right for each other? Other than this one issue.. we sometimes feel we are soulmates. That deep bondng.. thats why I want to get this stuff out of me as well..

Whenever I am With her.. when we meet.. I can never get upset or angry or hurt by anything that she says.. it just can't happen.. its just when we aren't together my mind works weird. We stay in different cities and she comes down to meet me when free.

[talaniman]

Thanks guy for more facts, but I will not comment on the society you were raised in, while I think you are a product of that society, it would be unfair to judge you for it. It is an obstacle to personal growth and individual understanding, but that's something you have to deal with.

I can only add that you should never fear the competition, or what you think is the competition. Insecurity and fear are but distractions from getting the facts, by paying attention to your partner, and learning her ways on a deeper level. That's how you get to trust her loyalty, and know her true character, and know how to love her mind.

When you can overcome that fear, your queen will follow her king to better things and let go of all else. Now that doesn't mean she will not get along, and be friends with exes, it means you will not be threatened by them. A man leads by the example of his actions, and deeds, and has NO NEED to urge others to follow through fear, intimidation, or force. They will do so willingly.

It doesn't matter the rules and concepts of others. You have to choose the path you take, and weather the storms of life for any one to be comfortable enough to follow. There is nothing wrong with having fears of that unknown tomorrow, as long as you don't let it stop your journey, or regret taking that chance that the journey was worth it.

Don't let society give you the excuse of not pursuing your own life, and taking your own risks.

[Homegirl 50]

You are very insecure and I don't think deep down you trust her or feel she is "up to standards" That is not fair to her. Coupled with the fact you two live in different cities and spend time away from each other, it does not help the situation which is why you are having the feelings you're having now.

[Pboy87]

I completely trust her.. and there isn't any insecurity issue at all.. I know for a fact that she won't leave me for her exes or for any other guy because I have full faith in our love.. the problem is.. that she was naïve.. very simple.. and sometimes I feel that the guys used her depression situation to be physical with her. This is all that I'm saying. If she was best friends with her ex boyfriend I wouldn't have been worried because both loved each other. But these flings she got into.. made out.. when she was experimenting or depressed just makes me feel as if the guys took advantage of her situation. That's why it makes me feel weird. I know for a fact that she would never go away from me.. even though we are in a long distance relationship. Its just uncomfortable for me to see her around those guys who instead of helping her out when she was depressed got physical with her as she wasn't in her right frame of mind and didn't mind some physical intimacy to raise her spirits and make her feel wanted again.
I won't let society live my life. I have decided that.. and called her up today and told her that I really love her and wish to be with her for very long. I have realised.. morals are made in our mind and those morals make us judge people as wrong doers.. who don't live by Our morals..

Comment on talaniman's post

I don't think there is any competition. What would I compete for.. I already have her..

[talaniman]

Good, then eventually all the images fade, and the distance will be dealt with by you both.

[Pboy87]

Thanks.. :).. I am trying my best to change. The images won't go, but I'm changing my whole thinking process about physical intimacy, which I used to think should only be linked to love, and without it was wrong.. my 'morals'.. :P.

[kaka67]

Well your last post has pretty much put everything into perspective.

You two have different 'moral' standards. You can't cope with her standards obviously. i.e. having physical intimacy with someone she wasn't in love with.

Im sure your not going to change your morals standard for her so why continue this?

[Pboy87]

well I am trying to change my morals for her.
but its just a bit tough. Especially with all the details given to me.. where she made out.. with who all she went topless... who she made out with.. what emotions were running in her mind when she made out with those guys... everything.
I mean.. even if you say.. u liked a person.. were attracted.. lust.. infatuation.. crush.. any of these emotions and then made out.. it was still understandable.. its just hard to accept that a girl makes out with a random guys because she was in depression.. on 2 different occasions, places and different guys. Just because of depression? Wow.
I am trying to get over it slowly.. but.. the process is a bit too slow. And I am changing my morals and thought process and values for her.

[Pboy87]

wow.. she just told me that all the guy who she said she had just made out with and gone topless with.. she has had Oral sex with them.. she always lied to me that she hadnt ever gone oral with them but today she blurted it out..Wow.. this feels horrible.. that i can't take the makeout and then i find out about her going oral with all of them and then she doesnt remember what more happened when she was drunk on new years.. wow.. i was trying my best to get over the makeout bit and this new level has me cringe inside..

[Pboy87]

My girlfriend, always told me that she had made out with different guys going topless and jacking the guy off and had sex with just 2 guys. . Recently after 5 months she tells me that she had gone oral sex with all of the guys that she was with ater her ex and did it all only because she was depressd. She was drunk and told me that she had made out with her best friend .but today told me that she doesn't remember exact details but she thinks she had done more.. like oral or something. This has really disgusted me as I had finally got over the fact that she had made out with those guys.. just kissing and topless but this is a new level to it.. Also.. I stay in a country where pre-marital sex is looked down upon.. I was fine with the guys that she was with in complete consciousness.. but when she doesn't remember what she did is just a disgusting thought. Feels she was used by her friend. How to I deal with my girlfriends past? I wanted to marry her.. but now I'm not even sure if I want to be with her anymore..

[talaniman]

There is no need to start more threads about the same things so your post were merged.

With all the new information we know that this is a long distance relationship, of 5 months and you just keep finding out new things about her past that you just can't handle for whatever reason.

To be honest, I seriously doubt that she calls you up, and gives you new details about her past sex life. I think you keep digging and digging for every little detail, and freaking out with every disclosure. No matter how much you love someone if you can't accept and handle them for who they are, then you need to leave and stop all this drama.

I mean who talks about past sex ALL the time? You have been going out for 5 freaking months and you both are finding things out about each other, and that's normal, but if after 5 months the negatives outweigh the positive, then you have a decision to make about how YOU handle things, and if indeed, thoughts of a future are realistic. So far, marriage is a stretch, and just idle talk, sounds good, but has no basis in fact.

My friend, her past will not change and it seems neither will your attitude, and I seriously doubt if you change the morals you have been taught for this female without changing who you are. Forget marriage, because you are so caught up in her past to even see if she would be a good wife and mother, so I don't see you getting past this anytime soon, because its to big of a deal to you.

So how long is this distance thing going to last, and why is there a distance thing so early in the relationship anyway??

[Pboy87]

well.. we met at a party in my city and hit off, started facebooking, flirting , texts the next day onwards and would meet when she would come down.. we message and talk on the phone regularly.
and no.. I have NEVER asked about her past.. she keeps 'confessing' them and that too at the worst times.. like when we are having a very intimate conversation or are very close, etc. she just says she felt close and connected and so said it then.. and says it because she doesn't want to hide it from me.. but she keeps telling me half truths.. and months later the complete thing comes out..
Anyway, she would always just tell me that she had just madeout with all those guys (her first guy who was just a trial to check if she was straight, rebound and one night thing with best friend) for the past 4 months and I seriously promise you.. today I wanted to be back with her. I had gotten over everything.. I wanted her.. as I appreciated her telling m the truth and that it was just making out topless.. not anything more...
but today as we were talking she blurted out that she had done oral with them. I was taken aback.. and asked her why she lied to me before.. then she says she didn't.. she had told me before.. but I clearly remember she hadn't.. then she says.. she went oral with her rebound but isn't sure if she did with the one nightstand as she was too drunk to remember anything but she thinks that maybe she did but doesn't think she had sex... this just freaked me out.. she doesn't remember and says if it was any random guy she would have still done that as she was lonely.
I used to believe that sex is only due to love.. but I am changing my whole thinking process for her.. but the one night stand just freaks me out.. Any guy would have done.. that's disgusting.. and.. it also makes me kind of jealous that she went oral with all these guys in the first instance but not with me in the first time.. she wasn't even connected with me the first time as she was messaging the rebound... I really like her.. but I don't know what to do..

[Homegirl 50]

If you have to change your morals for a person, that person is not right for you. Not that there is anything wrong with her but you are on two different pages.
She is who she is and you are who you are.
Do you think you will not get another girl if you let her go?

[talaniman]

Any relationship that does not have honest enough communications to get through confusion and differences isn't going to work. It doesn't mean one partner is better than the other, but it does mean that you may not be compatible in the long run, or don't work together well enough. Your bodies have met, but your minds have not. At least not yet. You keep talking, or forget it.

[Pboy87]

@ homegirl.. I don't mind doing that for her.. we gel in every aspect.. we think alike.. sometimes even know what the other person is thinking.. she is perfect on all levels except that our morals on sex don't match. She takes it very casually and has given head to many but I feel sex and physical intimacy is just for the special and ones you love..
I'm really confused.. I mean is it worth changing my whole thought process for her ,my morals n values on which my existence so far was based because I know that we perfect for each other on all other counts? Or should I leave her n find someone who thinks like me on morals regarding sex but may never match so perfectly on other counts? I really don't think I might find another girl like her.. but even.. I may never ever again have to be with another girl with such a wild sexual past.. I'm confused to the core..

[Pboy87]

She lies a lot and I don't like it.. though she confesses because of the guilt.. it still hurts.. the only differences we have are on this topic of sex...

[talaniman]

Can't you forgive her past long enough to learn her morals NOW? If you can't what's the point? Again, you are so freaked out by who she WAS, do you even have a clue who she is NOW??

[Pboy87]

Its nothing to forgive.. she hsnt wronged me.. I am no one to forgive.. its uncomfortable to know she was so loose with them.. I love her but sometimes I feel they came by did her one night and went and she gave it to them so easily.