[foxymona73]

I have been marriage for 14 1/2 yrs now. My husband and I have 1 child together who is 11 yrs old. I got marriage so young at 23. My self-esteem was very low at that time. I had a hard time getting boyfriends. So I gave my virginity to the 1st man who paid attention to me at 22 yrs old. And married him 1 ½ later. I never ask him if he wanted children or what he wanted out of life.

I was just so desperate at that time to be with anyone. Now don't get me wrong he was very sweet and nice but I did notice he had a lot of self-esteem problems. His self-esteem was low about his self and he was always talking about suicide. He didn't get along with his family or sibling. But I thought once he married me I could fix that and change that because I'm a very loveable person and I always try to help everyone else and take care of myself last.

I married at 23 and he was 24 and we move from California to North Carolina where his parents live because he lost his job in California and I wanted a change because I never left home before and it was cheaper to live in NC. After about a year in our marriage he started treating me very bad. He would go into his depression and start argument with me. He would also get physical and emotional abusive with me. He also started having computer sex and phone sex with other women.

I also always wanted a baby and he didn't want one. He would not have sex with me because he was scare I would get pregnant. I even got on birth control for him so we can have sex more often. But he still wouldn't change his ways. I finally got off the birth control after the 2nd yr of our marriage because it was making me sick and then I finally did get pregnant after being marry for 4 yrs. My husband was not very happy about that. But of course I had my son.

After I had my son I finally got tried of my husband treating me any type a way and I started seeing this guy after our 8th year of marriage. He was so sweet to me. I was 30 yrs old at that time. So by that time, my way of thinking had change and my self-esteem was better even though my husband was treating me bad. This guy was more my type and so sweet. He loves his family and is not a depress guy like my husband. This guy has a daughter a year younger then my son that he raises on his own because his ex-girlfriend wasn't ready to be a mom.

So I figure that I can just start sleeping with this guy since my husband had his internet girlfriends and his phone sex partners. I also always though my husband was cheating on me but I can't ever find proof. The only proof I had is what he does on the internet and phone and he said that wasn't cheating. My husband love the attention these women online would give him because he had very low self- esteem about his self.

Any way I was scare to leave my husband because my son loves his father. My husband is a very good dad to our son. He just treats me very badly. So I said I was willing to stay with my husband for my son and just see this guy on the side. I have been seeing this guy for 8 yrs now and my husband has no clue. I actually stop sleeping with my lover for 2 yrs to give our marriage a chance because the older my son got my husband started changing and treating me better. He haven't hit me in 3 yrs and we started going to church together but I always still talk to my lover every blue moon.

Just lately since the end of 2010 He started back getting worst again. Hes not hitting me, but he's being very controlling, rude, and nasty to me. I'm almost 38 now and I want to be happy. My son just turns 11.

Should I stay married for my son? I'm scare my son will be mess up without a father in his life like I see other kids. My son is doing well in 5th grade and plays a lot of sports. . Should I take his dad always?

My lover always wanted me to live with him and his daughter. Should I take my son to a new man house? I took all this abuse for my son for years so he won't be mess up in life. But I want to be happy too and I'm tried of sneaking around once again cheating with my lover.

What should I do? Help please! I hope this doesn't make me a bad person.

[talaniman]

I don't think you are a bad person, just one who has been badly hurt by the things you have been through, and you are still very hurt.

You haven't changed. One man don't love you so you got one that did. Can't you see that you are only jumping from one Mr. Goodbar to another, but taking all the life baggage with you. I can see divorcing your husband, but not changing your sons life so drastically, and abruptly.

I wish you were strong enough to consider being alone on your own, to get yourself together, and not wrap your reason for being around another guy.

You ever think of getting some help for yourself before you leave one disaster for another?

[foxymona73]

Hi Talaniman, Thanks for answering my question. I had a friend tell me that maybe I should leave my husband and get my own place and just date my lover instead of moving my son in with him and his daughter. I really never been along before. I know my son need his father in his life and my husband has told me if I leave he wouldn't be apart of my life or my son life. I don't know if he only said that to keep me with him or what. My hubsand knows how I fill about single family household. We both had our parents in our lives and both our parents are still marry for like 40 yrs. I guess I'm going to have to be strong enough to leave and be on my own but I'm scared of raising my son along. I know boys get to an age where they don't want to listen to their mother and I don't want him to blame me for not having his dad in his life. I'm going to get help first. Thanks

[talaniman]

Even with a divorce or separation, why would he not have his dad in his life?

You presume a lot, that's why you should make this decision based on facts, and not just your feelings. I mean YOU did make a decision to go off birth control at a time of difficulty, knowing your husband was against getting you pregnant.

Yes I do question your decision making process. So should you. That's what you need the help with. Now after 8 years of cheating, you want to be normal, yet I have no doubt you have been more distracted by this lover, than paying attention to better options, and opportunities you could have followed.

Think about it. You need an impartial third party, with no agenda, who listens without judgments. Just to put things in a proper perspective. I will be honest, I am more concerned about the innocent 11 year old than the adults who just want to be happy.

[foxymona73]

So what do you suggest I do? That's why I'm on this site. The reason why I said my husband won't be in my son life is because my husband told me "if i ever leave he don't want to see me or the child". That's why I'm still with him and these are facts, my husband told me this. And when I got off birth control I ask my husband if I could get off and he told me yes since it was making me sick. So we made the decision together to get off birth control. He could had use a condom but didn't want to. I try better option like going to church and I stop seeing my lover for 2 yrs. My husband just won't change. I'm thinking about trying to get us both some help before I decide to leave because I want what's best for my son. I have sacfice my happiness so my son can have his dad in his life. I'm concern about my innocent son too. So I will get marriage help. Talk to a third party. Thanks Talaniman

[foxymona73]

I have been marriage for 14 1/2 yrs now. My husband and I have 1 child together who is 11 yrs old. I got marriage so young at 23. My self-esteem was very low at that time. I had a hard time getting boyfriends. So I gave my virginity to the 1st man who paid attention to me at 22 yrs old. And married him one and half years later. I never ask him if he wanted children or what he wanted out of life.

I was just so desperate at that time to be with anyone. Now don't get me wrong he was very sweet and nice but I did notice he had a lot of self-esteem problems. His self-esteem was low about his self and he was always talking about suicide. He didn't get along with his family or sibling. But I thought once he married me I could fix that and change that because I'm a very loveable person and I always try to help everyone else and take care of myself last.

I married at 23 and he was 24 and we move from California to North Carolina where his parents live because he lost his job in California and I wanted a change because I never left home before and it was cheaper to live in NC. After about a year in our marriage he started treating me very bad. He would go into his depression and start argument with me. He was also physical and emotional abusive to me. He also started having computer sex and phone sex with other women.

I also always wanted a baby and he didn't want one. He would not have sex with me because he was scare I would get pregnant. I even got on birth control for him so we can have sex more often. But he still wouldn't change his ways. My husband finally let me get off the birth control after the 2nd yr of our marriage because it was making me sick and then I finally did get pregnant after being marry for 4 yrs. My husband was not very happy about that. But of course I had my son.

After I had my son I finally got tried of my husband treating me any type a way and I started seeing this guy after our 8th year of marriage. He was so sweet to me. I was 30 yrs old at that time. So by that time, my way of thinking had change and my self-esteem was better even though my husband was treating me bad. This guy was more my type and so sweet. He loves his family and is not a depress guy like my husband. This guy has a daughter a year younger then my son that he raises on his own because his ex-girlfriend wasn't ready to be a mom.

So I figure that I can just start sleeping with this guy since my husband had his internet girlfriends and his phone sex partners. I also always though my husband was cheating on me but I can't ever find proof. The only proof I had is what he does on the internet and phone and he said that wasn't cheating. My husband love the attention these women online would give him because he had very low self- esteem about his self.

Any way I was scare to leave my husband because my son loves his father. My husband is a very good dad to our son. He just treats me very badly. So I said I was willing to stay with my husband for my son and just see this guy on the side. I have been seeing this guy for 8 yrs now and my husband has no clue. I actually stop sleeping with my lover for 2 yrs to give our marriage a chance because the older my son got my husband started changing and treating me better. He haven't hit me in 3 yrs and we started going to church together but I always still talk to my lover every blue moon.

Just lately since the end of 2010 He started back getting worst again. Hes not hitting me, but he's being very controlling, rude, and nasty to me. I'm almost 38 now and I want to be happy. My son just turns 11.

Should I stay married for my son? I'm scare my son will be mess up without a father in his life like I see other kids. My son is doing well in 5th grade and plays a lot of sports. . Should I take his dad always?

My lover always wanted me to live with him and his daughter. Should I take my son to a new man house? I took all this abuse for my son for years so he won't be mess up in life. But I want to be happy too and I'm tried of sneaking around once again cheating with my lover.

What should I do? Help please! I hope this doesn't make me a bad person.

[talaniman]

What happened to the marriage help??

This is simple, leave your husband, and get help for yourself, but don't live with your lover until you AND YOUR SON have had the proper time to make adjustments, without the added stress of trying to blend a family. Those kinds of changes are traumatic to a young child, replacing his life with that of another man. Wait two years after the divorce is over and done with to introduce another man in his life. Better yet, wait until he graduates, high school.

Then you are free to cavort with whomever you please. Just curious since you posted another thread basically saying what the first one did, but what was telling was you gave no update as to the positive things you were trying to do for yourself, so I can only assume you have been ignoring your issues and been around the other guy as you have been doing instead of taking care of your home.

Get the divorce then. Or just keep sneaking behind your husbands back until you get caught, or figure out how to support yourself, and your son.

[foxymona73]

Hi Talaniman.. I just repost it again because you are the only one replying to my post. I wanted to get some other people opinion to.. I'm still thinking about the marriage help and trying to see if its worth it. I know you think its simple to leave but its not. I'm not working yet, but I do start work in 2 weeks.. I have to look for a place and save money. I also have to see what car and funiture I can take and my son is in the middle of the school year. So its a lot that I am trying to do first before I leave. My lover and I have talk since I wrote the 1st letter and we both deciede I get my own place 1st and just move close to him and just date and slowly introduce the kids 1st. I don't want to be along until my son is 18. Hes only 11 right now and I really love this other guy. I have known him for 8 yrs. But you are right. I need to live by myself first. So the only positive I did since I last wrote this was found a job.. so now I will be saving to leave and getting my BA soon

[QLP]

Well to bring in another view, although I doubt it will be much different to what Tal has been saying to you, I will offer my thoughts.

Firstly this man has been violent, is controlling, and abusive. You are worried about depriving your son of the relationship with his father. So ask yourself what sort of lesson your son is learning from a man who feels that is an acceptable way to treat women. And what sort of father will cut off all contact with his own child out of spite if you leave him?

You have certainly made some mistakes along the way. Getting pregnant against your husband's wishes, taking a lover instead of facing the problems in your marriage sooner. You are human, we all make mistakes. All you can do now is make a decision to move forward in a more positive way.

You seem to still have some lingering thoughts as to whether this marriage is worth saving. Well the only way that is possible in my opinion is if your husband will agree to some serious counselling and probably some anger management. If you want to give this one last shot I would wait until your husband is in a calm mood and then suggest joint counselling as a start. If he does agree to this you and you want to commit to the process you are going to have to make a decision to ditch the lover. You can't have it both ways. Having the lover on standby as insurance if it doesn't work is fair to nobody.

If the marriage is truly over then it really is time to do everything you can to put things in place to allow you to leave. As said, you need to do this on your own and consider the relationship with the lover later, when you know you have the strength to live a life with or without him. You don't want to go from being reliant on one bad relationship to being relilant on another. There's no guarantees the next one will work out better, even though it looks rosier now. Firstly the grass is always greener.. and secondly the realities of a full on committed relationship are often very different to those of an affair. It is also not healthy for your son to be shunted straight into a relationship with a new man.

Good on you for getting a job and with the studies. You are getting things together on that front at least.

Once you have got yourself to a more viable position financially you really have to make that decision one way or the other. If fear or confusion is holding you back consider some counselling sessions for yourself to help you sort things out.

[foxymona73]

Hi QLP! Thanks for reponsing to my question. Finally got another opinion. What you said made a lot of sense. I know my son is not learning a good lesson being around his dad. My son does has a little anger issue because of my husband. I have been thinking about trying marriage counselling. And my husband agree to it too. But the more I am with my lover the more I'm like forget my husband. I gave him 14 yrs to change and my husband doesn't think he have any anger issue. So now I'm lending toward more starting this new job and saving my money and getting the heck out of here. My husband has been trying to be really nice latly but its kind of too little to late. I am going to get my own place and not move in with my lover. And yes I want to get some help for myself to and try to firguer out why I stayed so long. I am a very reliant person and don't know why. Fear is holding me back but I will work on that.. Thank you QLP.. I'm also scare because I see a lot of single mom having problems with raising a son without a dad. I know when my son get 15-16 he will need a father in his life. I just really hope his dad be there for him. They do sports and boyscouts together all the time.. They just went camping 2 weeks ago.I'm just scare my son will rebel and I won't have any help

[QLP]

I see a lot of parents in partnerships who have problems raising their kids. I see parents who are single or otherwise doing a great job. Sure, ideally we would all get married and live happily ever after and be perfect parents but it doesn't always happen that way. I too hope his father will be there for him whatever happens between you.

The best gift you can give your son right now is to get that help and get yourself sorted, then whatever you decide move forward in a positive way. Even if you do end up leaving your husband, relationship counselling for the both of you might enable you to manage the split in a healthier way. That has got to be better for your child.

[foxymona73]

Hi QLP, that's a good idea.. I will get counselling for my husband and I and see how we can split up in a more healthy way for my son. I just want to do everything right for my son, so he will be happy. Lately my husband and I haven't argue but that's because I spend time with my lover while my son is at school and see my husband now when my son gest out of school.. my husband does customer service work at home so he is here at home all the time. So since I started back seeing my lover this past 2 months my husband had been trying to be a little nice to me and trying to be a family man now. So I will see how this turn out and get the counselling.. Thanks