[ALLrational]

I am 21 my girlfriend is 19
My girl friend and I have been in going out for 2 years.
Every free time we get we see each other and the relationship is passionate and positive.
At one point she was very clingy but I never complained
I might have been a little pushy due to her clinginess. I started working more and telling her I will call her back.
Slowly she started to back off and she always tells me she loves me and misses me.
Then we started to get into petty arguments, not frequently. Like if we saw each other 5 days out of the week, 1 of those days we would argue for about an hour.
Are arguments consisted of small gestures, tone of voice and attitude of each other, which I admit is really petty because I small gesture could lead into pulling in past arguments and it just made the arguments feel a lot more prolonged.
We were happy and having fun last week but another argument occurred and I got into the habit of doing silent treatments so I ignored her for a whole day which it was my first time ignoring her for 24 hours.
The next day she went cold turkey on me and said she doesn't want to do the relationship anymore and wants a break. I got mad because I felt like she said that to make me mad due to her impulsive nature (not always a bad thing).
When I realized the seriousness I stopped yelling at her and apologized.
I would call and she would keep the convos short and she stressed that she loves me, and is attracted to me and that we have amazing intercourse but just doesn't love the relationship right now, because its building on top of other stresses and needs time to have her individualism again because she revolved her whole relationship around me and wants to reconnect with friends because she alienated them because she didn't know how to balance me and them and chose me with no hesitation. My girlfriend is the kind to say what ever is on her mind, so she is constantly taking her words back and changing her mind (emotional) but very honest.
Yesterday at 5 am she called and told me to go over her house.
When I went to her house she said she didn't want to get back together and still gave me vibes that there was still some type of tension. Later in the day while we were talking she warmed up to me and started playing and laughing like we were still in a relationship and we ended up kissing and engaged in intercourse. It felt like we were together again holding hands outside and eating together, cracking jokes. But every time I asked if we were dating again she said she needs more time and changed the subject but never put me down hard. The cold turkey stage was over.
Throughout the day she continued to text me, told me she would cook for me and we were joking on each other. She was calling me babe and kept initiating the conversation.
I haven't asked about the relationship since I've left her house which was yesterday mid day.
Im sure I can get her back but I would like to know how long. And I'm sure I could set in motion things she could think about to quicken her decision but I need opinions before I try anything.
1)What am I suppose to think of all this?
2)What is she thinking? Why come to that decision?
3)What she needs to think about for us to work out?
4)Im sure she missed me which is why she called, But why did she act all lovey dovey and not want to be in the relationship yet?
5)(for people with experience) how long of space did you/your partner require before going back out or breaking up completely.

Thanks for the answers

[TabithaDearval]

The dynamics of your relationship aren't healthy. You've called them "clingy", "pushy", "petty", with yelling, arguments, silent treatments and withdrawal on both sides.
Does "playing hard to get" seem to sum up her current behaviour? If so, she may be choosing new behaviour in response to having been called clingy. Now you have to decide if the lovey-dovey makes the chase worthwhile or if you're through playing games.

[talaniman]

I was tempted to tell you both to keep enjoying the great sex because apparently that's all you got going, and when it wears off, then what?

Good sex is great, but heck even enemies can have good sex. If that's all you got going you both are in trouble. Try talking to each other without the sex, and you will see what you really have to build on.

[Jake2008]

Any relationship, no matter which stage of the game it is at, has to have mutual respect, communication, and a clear understanding of eachothers' motives, needs and wants.

Otherwise, you are left in a position of where you are now, which is not knowing why she wants both her space, and at the same time, wants you when she wants you, for whatever reason.

Taking a break, which usually happens when one or the other 'want their space', is what it implies- a break. Time to think alone, sort through problems, or to figure out whether they can continue to be fully committed, or, if the relationship has run its course.

A person cannot have it both ways- being in when it's convenient, and out when it isn't.

While she has set the rules so to speak, for how this 'break' is going to work, you are left at her mercy, waiting for her to make up her mind. And at the same time, showing interest and accommodating her when she appears to be hedging back to a relationship. Then she pulls the rug out from under you.

My advice to you is to set boundaries. At the very least, there should be a time limit so you aren't hanging onto this endless time frame. Give her say, one month to make up her mind. Also, stop with the contact, the sweet nothings, the hand holding, the sex, the email, the texting and the pillow talk.

A break is a break, not a sort of a break, or not a break entirely dependent upon her version of it.

Have a serious chat with her, and tell her what YOUR needs are. If I were you, I would explain that the mixed messages are going to stop. She's in, or she's out. I would also tell her that I would respect the 'space' she has decided she needs, and there will be no contact until the 4th of April, and which time, you expect an answer.

If it's over it's over. If it isn't, start slow until you know you can trust her word.

And in the meanwhile, use this break to evaluate the relationship too, from your perspective, and figure out your needs and wants, and expectations in a relationship, and, as much as you can, prepare yourself to decide whether YOU want the relationship to continue.

[ken007nielsen]

I'm guessing it's the same girls as you wrote on your previous question. Did you not like the answers you received?

[Jake2008]

Hi Ken- I can't find any recent posts by Allrational, are you sure you have the right person?

[mystific]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ce-559408.html

And aged a year in a few hours too.. so glad I don't have that problem :)

[Jake2008]

Thank you.

[mystific]

You're welcome :)

[Wondergirl]

Why is a break needed? Taking a break just avoids, sidesteps, the real problem. It's like treating the symptoms, but never curing the disease.

Why not actually work hard TOGETHER on what's wrong with the relationship? That's what mature couples do.

[talaniman]

Easy to see who controls this relationship, and who goes along with it.

Of course the threads were merged, and edited.

[Jimmy78]

Comment on Jake2008's post

Two thumbs up

Move on and go no contact, I played that game and to this day I'm still hurt for not walking away.