[Drummer3462]

I am 22 years old and she is 25. She has two kids and we have been together for a year now. She was married for 4 years and we met about 3-4 months after she left him. She had been miserable with her ex for the last year of their marriage and even slept on the couch for that year. What took her so long to get out was the children of course as it makes a divorce 100x more difficult.

My question for you folks is about my responsibility with these kids. They are 2 and 4 years old with the 5 year old being diagnosed with autism of a low degree like aspergers (sp). She splits custody with her ex every other week so one week me and her are free of kid responsibility and the next week we are parents. We are both madly in love with each other and we have the most awesome connection and understanding between us. The other day we got into a non shouting fight that involved her kicking me out of my own apartment that we live in because I didn't feel it was right to make me sit at home from morning to bedtime while she was able to go shopping with her sister as she couldn't take the kids with her as they are impossible to shop with she says. I was in between jobs and this was my last day free as I started a full time job again the next day and wanted THAT day to be able to have a little freedom and go do my errands on my own time and still be able to be to back home in time to watch her kids while she went to work at 7 pm.

Ever since she has been almost non existent in my life for the past 3 days. She is very very angry at me and I really cannot comprehend her madness. I am her boyfriend not her babysitter. If I need to do things and leave I feel as if I have the right to. It was not my choice to have these kids in the world and I feel like its her complete responsibility. WHen I was out of work for 2 months I watched these kids everyday on my own for at least 8 hours and have a deep connection with them.

Am I wrong to feel this way or should she understand more and not get so angry at me. We are currently on the rocks and I feel like we are headed for a break. What advice do you people have for me?

[grammadidi]

I have to tell you that by what you have written here, there seems to be a lot of immaturity as well as a lack of respect and communication in this relationship. It also sounds like she may be repeating past mistakes.

Here are some of my concerns: 1. "She was miserable with her ex for the last year of their marriage and even slept on the couch for that year." 2. "...fight that involved her kicking me out of my own apartment..." 3. "Ever since she has been almost non existant in my life for the past 3 days."

When you are married, unless there is infidelity or abuse you should be committed to that relationship and do everything that you can do to keep it working... especially if you have children. You don't sleep on the couch to resolve issues. You communicate - talk, listen, resolve. If you leave that relationship and enter into another you don't "kick" your partner out because you have a disagreement. What does that say about respect for one another or the strength of the connection, understanding and commitment between the two of you? What message does that send to her children?

Then she wants to go shopping all day with her sister on the weekend her children are home with her? I can see her going out for an hour or so, but surely not the day! She sounds very immature and selfish.

Now she is almost non-existent in your life. Again, this is a very immature, disrespectful way of dealing with things within a relationship. It is unfair to you and can be so damaging for her children.

In my opinion, the children are her responsibility. You can, and should, help out, but this went beyond that.

I think that you two really need couples counselling and she would benefit from some individual therapy. I am sure that it's difficult to have two children, one with autism and can be wearing at times. However, many women raise more children that that on their own. She has you to help her when they are home and her ex takes them every other week. It's time for her to grow up.

At the very least you both need to sit down and start talking... and listening. She can't just "expect" you to mind the kids all day. She needs a reality check.

She is raising children 26 weeks a year. One of those children has autism and it is imperative that whatever parent that child is with be prepared to provide an enriched experience with that child. Her time with the chidl should be highly structured. Even outside of that, the weeks that the kids are with her should be the kids weeks, whether she likes it or not. Sure, things come up from time to time, and yes, if you are being supportive and caring you help out.

Regardless, that would involve some discussion and problem solving techniques should be learned and perfected. If you two had of discussed each of your needs and expectations prior to this, you could have met 1/2 way. I would be very concerned as to why she appears to be giving up her connection with her ex, then her kids and you. If I were you I would tread lightly. I see a relatioship wrought with inexperience and pain. If changes aren't made soon, this relationship will likely end just like the first one did and you will all be victims.

If you love her it is important that the both of you can communicate and resolve your issues in healthier ways. I urge you to seek counseling and if she won't go I still think you should go yourself.

I hope she is committed enough to make some major changes. The present behaviours are unhealthy.

Good luck!

Hugs, Didi

[sharper11]

In any relationship, there is a Give and Take. Your relationship is compounded with Children.

As far as your responsibility with the children... if you are madly in love. . And want to move forward, expect to raise the children as if they were your own.

As far as her going out with friends.. . Was this a 1-time thing or does it happen frequently? If she is using you as a baby sitter. . Than, you have every right to be upset. If it was a 1-time event. . Maybe she just needed a break from everything.

Regarding her not speaking to you... you say the fight was "non shouting", at what point did it get out of control enough for her to kick you out? Was it abrupt? I think there are a few things not being mentioned.

[sharper11]

Whether you like it or not, if you plan on having a relationship with the woman, you are also going to have to have a relationship with her kids. Jumping into a position like that takes a lot of maturity and responsibility.

While you are not the father, over time you will be their father figure.

Now, how long have you two been together? (I didn't see that referenced).

It is not right for you to be forced to watch the children on a consistent basis while she is out "having fun", but if this was a "one-off" event, it's not right for you to complain about it. She needs her free time too.
So, how many times does she make you watch her children?

I get the impression that this type of relationship and responsibility may be over your head. And I'm not saying your irresponsible, these circumstances are tough for any new relationship.

[sharper11]

Sorry for the double post (1 full month apart)

[talaniman]

The big red flag, is not the kids, but you and her jumping so quickly into this live in arrangement so soon after her divorce, and she throws YOU out of YOUR apartment that you share as a family. She simply has moved very fast and taken over your entire life, before you were ready, so you have an instant family, with issues to be sure, plus all the baggage she brings with her.

Recent events are but the latest things that have happened that are result of choices you made before, that were never addressed properly. What to do now? Since you bought it, you own it, or leave and start fresh. She came with kids, and all that that means, so be dad, or be gone. You simply are out manned, and out gunned.

You gave her that power, and only you can take it away.