[tmtrotminor]

I never knew what PTSD was until today in my abnormal psych class. The teacher went over symptoms and I began to tear up, because in many ways, this is so familiar to me.

First let me start with my childhood and go on to today.
I grew up in a very poor and drug abusing household (I was even a meth baby). When I was four, my little brother was born (and my father left). I remember changing my brothers diapers, cooking meals and constantly cleaning up until I was about 7.

Then, We moved to my fathers place, where he had a new girlfriend who hated me. It was then when my father began to beat me (and his girlfriend would too if he wasn't around). I remember it used to terrify me, and leave many bruises and welts. The last day I spent with them I remember getting a beating of a life time so much so it hurt to sit until 2 weeks after.

I ended up with my mother again (about age 9), and she had a new boyfriend. This man gave me "chores" every weekend and lifting things like TVs, bike frames, music equipment among other things to sell at the flea market and at this shop, sometimes getting up at 3am to start loading, and we'd always be out till about 7pm. Then I would cook for a family of four and stay up cleaning the house and the backyard (we had two big dogs, so Id be scooping dog poo) until about midnight (this I did every day after school and on weekends). He would also wait until my mother left and he'd hug me, rubbing my body, and forcing his tongue down my throat. I was so scared and disgusted. When I decided to tell my mom, she said I was lying to get out of chores. So of course it continued. Finally when he asked my mother if he could marry me if anything were to happen to her, she got the picture. But this of course didn't happen till I was 13.

Then she said she couldn't take care of us, and we had to live with our grandparents (paternal). They were in a great financial situation and cared a lot, so I thought everything would be fine.. Well, wrong. It was honestly just in a nicer prison. They were very strict and had no understanding of my feelings at all. I tried my best in school and when I brought home a report card with 5 As and 1 B, they laughed and said "you couldn't try just a little harder in that class?" I was never allowed out, except to go to school. So, I stopped making friends to avoid being let down (not going to birthday parties or sleep overs). I would see a therapist every couple of weeks because I began to be very depressed. And we'd occasionally have family sessions. My therapist actually had to stop him one time and yelled at him " She is a normal girl and she is very well behaved! You are asking too much from her, and you need to let her live a normal life!" I was so shocked, because she never seemed like the out bursting type! So as you can imagine, I moved out the day I graduated high school.

Right after I graduated, I fell in love with a man named Robert. He was going to UCLA, and I wanted to move with him. So, when I was going to visit before a move, I got in an accident in which cause my car to flip 3 times! I, luckily was not hurt. Of course I was pretty traumatized. I mean, Every time I closed my eyes (even months after) All I'd see was what I saw in that crash. But, I did get to LA by greyhound and Robert and I began our new life. Even though I had to work multiple jobs I was more happy there than I had ever been in my life. We struggled a lot with money and neither of us had friends. But we kept strong through some hard times. Finally he graduated (getting a BS in Aerospace engineering), so we'd finally have money. He got a job (April 2010) and we got married (Dec 2010). I'm now going back to school, so finally I have peace! Although I hope it stays this peaceful...

Now, let me tell you, through all of this, I did the best I could, but there are some existing things that are very difficult to shake.
For one, I have (and have always had, since I remember) horrifying nightmares every night. I think I've had two neutral dreams in my whole life. Because of this, I have always had problems staying asleep and going back to sleep. And many of these nightmares follow me all day. Their terrifying images staying with me, like it was a completely real traumatic event.
For two, I have been in a constant struggle with depression. I used to cut myself in high school, and cry just about every night over life, and constantly thought about suicide. Now I'm not so extreme because I feel I have reasons to live. But I often do feel depressed for little or no reason.
For three, because of the depression I often do detach myself from everything and will space out and feel as if I'm looking at my body from the outside.
For four, Even though I keep in touch with my grandparents, I often get scared their going to take over my life again. I used to ignore them, but after a couple of years, I finally began to let them in, just at a distance.
For four, I feel so guilty for the beautiful life I have now. Every day I wake up, I'm expecting and waiting for my life to fall apart and for me and/ or my husband to die. I feel so depressed and sad at the thought, but it continuously pops up. I love him more than anything and want desperately to live a long life with him, but something keeps telling me it'll be gone soon.

[DrBill100]

You have certainly provided a clear and concise history. It seems that you have endured, confronted and done a good job of working through some very difficult life circumstances.

It would be my advice to avoid aggregating these experiences and emotions into an all encompassing diagnosis. Your responses as outlined point away from rather than toward PTSD or any other psychopatholgic entity.

The depression that you mention was in all likelihood a quite normal response to circumstances as they existed. As a clinical entity the condition is best defined as unexplainable by or disproportionate to your personal events or circumstances.

I can't interpret your statement (three above) in relation to detachment and feel that your feelings of guilt and fears for continuing your good life (four) are residue from your cumulative childhood experience. Complex but not pathological.

I don't want to downplay your feelings and give you a false sense of security. Such concerns on your part can become self-fulfilling prophesies, can devolve or a take a sudden turn for the worse if provided an adequate trigger. So such emotions shouldn't be ignored. Thus far however, it seems you are well directed and making personal progress toward resolution. If possible, you should consider some form of directive counseling, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that isolates and addresses problems procedurally. This type of therapy would in all likelihood accelerate your adjustment and provide you with some new and more positive directions in interpreting past events.

I didn't address your horrifying nightmares as I do not believe dreams are representative of conscious thought. Certainly they should not be interpreted as the equivalent of flashbacks often symptomatic of PTSD.

Nonetheless, they may be addressed by a qualified therapist, pro or con, as could the detachment (three above) as noted.

Otherwise, I would see your present state as a progressive adjustment syndrome (observation, not diagnosis). Advancement to a more peaceful state of mind by incrementally moving forward from painful memories and experiences. Anything that will assist or expedite that journey is beneficial and well worth your consideration. While life events are moving in a positive direction concentrate on maintaining that forward momentum.

Please note that my reference to specialized problem solving counseling is not the equivalent of psychiatry nor involve pharmaceuticals. CBT is direct, problem oriented assistance and usually of short duration.

[NDE PTSD]

I have severe PTSD. I grew up on a farm and worked hard my whole life. That was a good thing and you were worked hard as well.. I feel that's not a bad thing. The sexual things that happened to you will bring up betray issues and trust for the rest of your life. You are a hard worker and have a good life from what you have admitted. I work over time trying to push people away because human beings are not perfect and they will hurt your feelings, they will misunderstand you and they are self-serving as we all are self-serving in some shape or form. You have someone who loves you and you have a good life.. You will do your best to get back to dysfunction and a comfort zone that you learned when you were a child. You have to be aware of the sabotage you are doing to blow up what you have. You control half of this relationship so please stop projecting failure because you have done a great job... You're a good person just trust that because others do.