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L85 · Nov 15, 2009, 09:37 AM

Entire story merged, please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread.

Right I've recently met a girl though a family holiday, I'm 24 and she's only 18 so abit younger than me, I've been out on a few dates with her and thought that they went well, I speak to her on the phone every few days and text messages most days, except I've got the terrible problem that I can't seem to think positive I've had a lot of messy relationships in the past that have really screwed me up, its got that bad at the moment I don't even want to ring her or text her because I think that really she doesn't wasn't to speak to me, she does because she doesn't want to tell me to get lost. There is no evidence of this its just I always think the worst of everything for example I was speaking to her on the net yesterday for abit and when I asked her if she wanted to do something this week her reply was my battery is about to die on the laptop so we will speak about it later and sort summit out- I haven't heard from her yet so I automaticaly assume she was just brushing me off. My mind is in such a mess how can I stop all this??

julietmarie · Nov 15, 2009, 11:23 AM

OK, Right NOW. I mean this second, I want you to go to your local book store and order the original version of "THE FEELING GOOD HANDBOOK" by David Burns. Not the workbook etc, the regular book. I bought the book 20 years ago and it changed my life. All the "gobbly gook" therapy in the world can NOT help you. Just read this book and you will understand. For now, refrain from asking her if she is mad at you etc. Put directly, if she really was 'in to' you she would want to talk to you everyday, all day.

YOUR past messy relationships were 100% YOUR FAULT. Either you made poor choices to begin with or you didn't leave when there was evidence you should have or you tried to control/change someone else. Once you learn to take control and accept YOUR choices you will get in better relationships and NEVER have to worry about what someone else is thinking.

Please get this book. EVERYTHING you wrote in your message above is exactly addressed in the book. Good luck! Work hard on the activities in the book. Get excited because today could be the first day of your total transformation into a happy life IF YOU CHOOSE!

2ndTime · Nov 15, 2009, 03:58 PM

She's not interested in you. Yes, she's brushing you off. Go find someone else.

2ndTime · Nov 15, 2009, 03:58 PM

Some negative thinkings are second sense.

L85 · Nov 16, 2009, 01:55 AM

Originally Posted by julietmarie

OK, Right NOW. I mean this second, I want you to go to your local book store and order the original version of "THE FEELING GOOD HANDBOOK" by David Burns. Not the workbook etc, the regular book. I bought the book 20 years ago and it changed my life. All the "gobbly gook" therapy in the world can NOT help you. Just read this book and you will understand. For now, refrain from asking her if she is mad at you etc. Put directly, if she really was 'in to' you she would want to talk to you everyday, all day.

YOUR past messy relationships were 100% YOUR FAULT. Either you made poor choices to begin with or you didn't leave when there was evidence you should have or you tried to control/change someone else. Once you learn to take control and accept YOUR choices you will get in better relationships and NEVER have to worry about what someone else is thinking.

Please get this book. EVERYTHING you wrote in your message above is exactly addressed in the book. Good luck! Work hard on the activities in the book. Get excited because today could be the first day of your total transformation into a happy life IF YOU CHOOSE!

Thanks for your advice, I don't suppose you know of any stores in the uk that stock this book? Thanks again

amicon · Nov 16, 2009, 02:21 AM

Hi.
Try Amazon.co.uk
Good luck.

julietmarie · Nov 16, 2009, 03:39 AM

Abebooks.com is cheap and ships to UK. Buy the original "feeling good handbook" not the new mood therapy. I just checked and it's there. About $3 US dollars + Shipping.
Used book. Check that against amazonuk and see which is the better deal. Always buy used.

jaime90 · Nov 17, 2009, 02:07 PM

Don't let your past dictate your present. It sounds like a fortune cookie, but it's true. If you have issues because you are afraid you will end up heartbroken, or you are just doubting that your girlfriend likes you- you should know her more before becoming emotionally involved.

Become friends with someone before you begin a relationship. This will protect your heart from being trampled on, it will protect you from becoming emotionally involved with someone you barely know, and it will protect you from going too far, too fast. (dating, and friendship are very closely related- except with friendship, you get the closeness of being with girls or guys, and the knowledge about them, without getting physically involved or emotionally involved.) If you're friends first, you will know the person enough to know whether you want to date them.

L85 · Apr 12, 2010, 12:54 AM

Hi All,

I need abit of advice if possible, I will try and be as brief as possible...

Basically I'm 24 and have had 2-3 long term relationships over the last 8 years, but have been single for about 1 1/2 years now and have lost any form of confidence I ever had.

Now I've met this girl who is nearly 19 so abit younger than me, we have been doing quite a lot in our group of friends over the last 6 months, she is also one of my step sisters best friends which may cause a slight problem but I don't think she would mind. Now I think I may have a chance with her but I don't know what to do.. now I could just take her to one side and tell her how I feel but I'm worried about doing this because if she's not intrested then I doubt very much we will get on as well as we do now. I know she speaks to a lot of guys so if I don't do anything soon I may never get the chance...

Help please :(

Lucky098 · Apr 12, 2010, 01:24 AM

If you like her.. then ask her out on a date. Nothing too fancy.. Dinner and a movie. Talk to her.. in this day in age.. text messaging is a good ice breaker!

Talk to your step sister.. See if you even have a chance before you make any type of move..

Don't be shy! Girls like guys who take the first step!

L85 · Apr 12, 2010, 01:30 AM

Originally Posted by Lucky098

If you like her.. then ask her out on a date. Nothing too fancy.. Dinner and a movie. Talk to her.. in this day in age.. text messaging is a good ice breaker!

Talk to your step sister.. See if you even have a chance before you make any type of move..

Dont be shy! Girls like guys who take the first step!

We actually went out towards the end of last year for dinner and a movie and it went fine, then she went travelling for 3 months and got back 3 weeks ago its just I've heard a few things about her and know she's always changing her mind etc, but do I just ask her for a drink then tell her I like her a lot or is that a bad idea?

Larken85 · Apr 12, 2010, 01:51 AM

OK wait a second, you have been doing a lot together in the past 6 months in your little group but she got back three weeks ago from a 3 month trip.

Side note, it would be nice to be able to take a 3 month vacation!

Regardless, you got to ask her out for a drink or something yeah... wait not a drink. Drinking on first dates is a horrible desaster waiting to happen. Go out for dinner another time or two, find something fun to do (I usually go with bowling but that doesn't work for me so I'd say pick something else... mini-golf rocks for everyone.) Eventually you want to ask her to dinner at your place, tell her you want her to sample some of your best cooking. (if you are not a cook then buy a meal from somewhere and tell her you cooked it so you can reveal, after dinner, that you had to buy something. Its for a few laughs later on.) Laughing is the way in my friend. Do more and more together and become close. Try to stear away from the friends only relationship so long is she is digging you.

L85 · Apr 12, 2010, 03:56 AM

Also I could speak to my step sister I know she would have no problem with it at all, I just find it very embarrising to aproach the situation but know that that is the best thing to do...

Larken85 · Apr 12, 2010, 04:02 AM

Yeah got to make the move man. If you don't someone else is going to and you'll regret it. When you're doing it just remember that you are competeing against all those other guys for her and you got to be the first to make that move and you got to be the best. (thats how I'd go for it.) Don't let contests cloud your feelings though, in the long run you are doing this because you like her, not to beat the others to her. You are beating them to her so you can have her because you want her.

I wish · Apr 12, 2010, 06:34 AM

Have more confidence in your abilities. It's not like she's a total stranger. You've known her for the past 6 months.

I suggest that you try to ask her out on a few more dates (i.e. just the two of you) to see how that goes before considering becoming her boyfriend.

L85 · Apr 14, 2010, 12:35 AM

Ok... So this isn't going as well as id hoped, I sent her a text on Monday night asking how she was etc etc and if she wanted to go out again to cinema or something and got no replay at all which is very strange, it is now Wednesday morning and still nothing. 1. she may not have got the text, 2. I may not have got the reply, 3. she doesn't want to go out again and just ignored me, I now don't know what to do... shall I text her again asking if she got the text or shall I just forget about it?

I wish · Apr 14, 2010, 06:12 AM

Why not be more direct? Why don't you call her instead? If she doesn't pick up, leave a message. If she doesn't return your call, then you know for sure that she's ignoring you.

L85 · Dec 18, 2010, 02:59 PM

Hi all,

Im a 25 year old guy and I've been getting really close with this girl who is 20 over the last few months and not sure what to do because I seem to have fallen for her in a big way and don't think she is intrested.

Basically we had abit of a thing about 6 months ago and we kissed, but after this I asked her if we could get together etc and she said we are better off just being friends. But over the last few months we have been getting really close again, I've been to stay with her at uni for a few days,she's comes round to my house and we watch films and stuff, go out for days together and to be honest I can't stop thinking about her all the time.

One of the big problems is she has abit of a reputation for getting about abit if you know what I mean, so every time we get really close then I hear about her with other guys it makes me feel terrible all the time.

I don't know what she wants from me because we spend so much time together and I know she doesn't do the stuff we do with anyone else, its all very strange and I really don't know what to do because I like her so much I just want to be with her.

I see my options as follow...

A. Try and cut off contact with her and just let her contact me until we hardly speak any more. Im not sure how the hell I will handle that though as I love speaking to her and seeing her all the time.

B. Just carry on as I have been and just try and deal with it. (which is what I am doing and its making me feel rubbish all the time)

Or...

C. Tell her how I feel but I know deep down she's going to reject me which I'm not sure if I can handle either- this will probably have the same outcome as plan A!

Any help would be great, I just want someone to tell me what to do!

Alty · Dec 18, 2010, 04:05 PM

She sees you as a friend, and a good one from the sounds of it. She made it very clear that she's only interested in friendship, so if you can't handle that, than it's best to let her go.

I don't think plan C is a good idea. She already knows that you have feelings for her, and she told you she doesn't feel the same way, so what will telling her again accomplish? She's in the friend zone, and she believes you're there too.

Plan B is a good option, but only if you realize once and for all that this girl is only your friend. I think that the only reason you are still hanging out with her is that you hope she'll change her mind. Doesn't seem likely. So, if you can't handle just friendship, than stop hanging out with her. You're only fooling yourself.

Option A sounds like a game to me. What are you hoping for? Are you hoping that if you go to no contact that she'll date you just to keep you in her life? Is that what you want, a pity girlfriend?

There's an option D. Accept the friendship. Do the things you do together, talk to her and enjoy her friendship, but know that she's not going to date you, so don't sit around waiting for her to realize what a great guy you are. She knows you're a great guy, that's why you're her friend, but she's not interested in dating you.

Meet other girls. Stop being her friend only with the hopes that she'll end up as your girlfriend. As soon as you realize that this isn't going to happen, the happier you'll be.

L85 · Dec 18, 2010, 04:22 PM

Thanks that is really helpful and I know what you say is all true, I'm just not sure how I can force myself to stop having these feelings. I don't know how to start to change the way things are. We speak/text/email everyday at the minute and I know once I stop doing this then we will drift apart which is probably what needs to happen, its just a lot easier saying than doing.