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daeders39 · Feb 22, 2011, 06:15 AM

Wow, I never thought I would find myself on one of these, but here I go. My Fiancée and I met on match.com. I am currently in the Military stationed in Italy. She had came to visit after we talked on the internet for a while and things went great. As things went on I found out more and more about her, and something I didn't really agree on, but we were both looking to change. Well it was finally time for her to leave and go back to California. As soon as she got back our next plan was how can I get her out here as soon as possible? I tried looking for jobs for her through the government and no luck. So we decided on a Proxy marriage. At this point we both love each other and feel confident about the marriage. A few weeks ago she started acting a little strange after she had a conversation with her ex-bf who also turned out to be married. She told me she didn't know if she had feeling for him or not and so on. I just talked through it with her and she assured me that I was the man she wanted to be with and marry. All the meanwhile we are waiting for our proxy marriage to go through and have no idea when exactly we will be married. It will be this week sometime for sure. She just told me a few days ago that she wants some space and does not wany any contact with me, and that she is really depressed. She said she wants to get her head straight for this. She said she needs two weeks and she will feel better. By the time she is done with her space she will be a married woman and I will be wondering what the hell my wife is up to. I am open to any advice. Thank You.

summer_girl · Feb 22, 2011, 07:37 AM

There's an old saying... "Marry in haste, repent at leisure."

Give the space to _yourself_ and set aside the wedding plans. Internet dating is fine, but internet marriage is not. You need to spend time together (a good amount of time) to make sure this is the right thing to do. If it doesn't work out between you, then you saved yourself the heartache of a divorce.

redhed35 · Feb 22, 2011, 07:41 AM

How long have you known each other, and how much time have you actually spent together?

daeders39 · Feb 22, 2011, 07:56 AM

We had only spent a month together and knew each other for 3. I know it's not ideal for most people.

mystific · Feb 22, 2011, 08:28 AM

I'm not familiar with proxy marriages? Is this something that can be postponed or 'put on hold' until such time you're able to discuss this further?

Is there any reason why you need to get married now? How long are you deployed in Italy for?

For something so distant you, in my opinion, need more time. Being with someone for one month doesn't really give you an overview on how living with that person will be for years and being married into this so early on is just a recipe for disaster.

Delving further, it's very easy to be caught up in the hype of 'online' relationships. You always want the other person to know all the 'finer' qualities of you. We sound perky, fun, and we can be all you want us to be, without having to tell you about the skeletons that we're shoving back in the closet with one foot while we type.

Take your time. There's no rush right? Take the time to make sure you've got what it takes to deal with her skeletons and if she's willing to let them go.

mmresd · Feb 22, 2011, 10:28 AM

She is asking you for space and not breaking up with you. She is also telling you how long she wants her break to be... A luxury that I am sure many of the men in thus website have wished they've had. Give her her space and then talk to her. In the meantime focus if you actually want to go through with this because you have known her for a VERY short period, and I think marriage should be given some though because o the level of commitment that you enter once those papers are signed.

Good luck,

Javi

redhed35 · Feb 22, 2011, 10:56 AM

Honestly you don't really know her at all.

You both feel 'confident' about a marriage, but yet here she is needing a time out, red flag!

Why can't you both wait? What about a courtship? Getting to know each other, what you have so far is hardly even a fling, never mind grounds for marriage.

My advice is to take a step back from this, and think long and hard about the commitment your about to make, take into account the legal, financial and living arrangements, and the fall out WHEN this goes badly wrong.

There is no indictation from your post that your current relationship as it stands will take any pressure.

talaniman · Feb 22, 2011, 03:45 PM

Proxy, Boxy, you don't make important decisions like this after knowing someone for a few months!! Are you crazy, or on drugs?? Is there a full moon or something??

Are you sure you really want advice? Okay, tell the little head to shut the freak up, and think with the big head, how dumb is this idea? Buy her a box chocolates, and wave bye bye, and disappear.

Jake2008 · Feb 23, 2011, 06:57 AM

Stop the wedding, take off the rose coloured glasses, take a good long look at what you are getting yourself into, and see the clues that clearly point in the direction of disaster.

What you are learning about her now, with the married ex boyfriend, and her needing space, and her not wanting any contact with you, should be as clear as the freckles on your face. The relationship, as it is, is in no way shaping up to end in a marriage!! If you were married already, the behaviour would surely be thought toward a divorce.

It matters not whether the marriage is by proxy, or by a Justice of the Peace, or by a Minister, the venue doesn't make a commitment to marriage any different. Marriage is not something you enter into without a clear head. And if you do end up with a legal marriage, think about where that could lead down the road- assets, for one.

Please put the brakes on this while you still have a chance. You do not know this woman well enough to even trust her, what makes you think a marriage will work.