[biglou101]

I am in love with a girl I have been friends with for twenty years or more. I have been with her for just over four years.She has four Kids , one passed away in his twenties and left behind two small boys. She has another son 26 and another 23, as well as a daughter who is 25. She claims to love me and wants to marry but her kids continuously make trouble for us.

They are very spoiled and won't leave the nest. One is married and getting a divorce (The daughter) so always back and fourth over at our house. The older son is so addicted to drugs but moved in next door. The other live around thirty miles from us but every week he comes to my house to do his clothes and spend the night because he is too loaded to go home. I am an alcoholic in 12 yrs. Recovery and they all know this . None of them respect it.

They show up unanounced all hours of the night drunk or high or both. They leave alcohol in my fridge, and eat us out of house and home. They are constantly borrowing money sometimes two of them have stolen money and they always take food from my home to theirs. Its like they come here to grocery shop.

She is not enforcing any rules I set because she lost one child and it makes her twice as leniant on the others. They come and go as they please and help themselves to anything in our home and don't care weather I mind or not.

It is tearing us apart and I truly don't know how much more I can handle. Every time we get to disciplining any of them, they use the get out of jail free card wich is, ( They can't handle the death of their brother). Once they say that, she drops all charges and starts to sympathize with them and they continue this cycle over and over.

As I said, I love this woman to the end but I am now fearing that the end is near because she won't back me when it comes to her kids.

What can I do. I am told she will never change but I just keep praying that she will come around before its too late.

Is It Hopeless?

[talaniman]

Hello Lou. Sounds rough, and I know its frustrating. But as you say they take advantage of their mom, and of course she is weak for her kids. This has probably been a pattern in their relationship a lot longer than you have been together.

For sure she will never take your side, over her kids, and maybe you should never expect her to. One of the hazards of getting into an instant family. Frankly I would always be praying to my Higher Power, and reciting the serenity prayer.

This isn't about her kids though, it's the way you both conduct yourselves together. Not to be harsh, I think if you can't solve this together, you solve it apart, and you leave, and just go back to dating, and leave her to deal with her kids on her own, until she gets sick and tired of their crap, and decides she needs to change. That's what I would do any way, if I was that in love with a female that had trolls for kids, and we could not present a common front. It could take years for her to reach that conclusion on her own.

What reality throws at you is only 10% of life, what you do about it is 90%. So make a decision based on the facts, and not just your feelings, and be willing to follow through with that decision. You can only control what you do, no matter how many beers they leave in the fridge.

Good luck finding some Good Orderly Direction for yourself.

[Jake2008]

What a sad situation for all concerned.

Her adult children sound like they aren't getting even the most basic discipline that a six year old would get. For whatever reason, including the trump card of the death of one of her sons, she allows and accepts the behaviour you are secondary to, and the whole bunch of them keep repeating negative, unproductive patterns, with permission from your wife. And, your wife repeatedly undermines any reasonable attempt to have control over her home, and her life. For some reason, her needs are being met by her adult children being dependent upon her.

In my opinion, that she chooses to allow and encourage the invasion of these adults all the way around, right down to taking food from your fridge, making even small progress is, while she may want it, impossible for her to follow through. You are left with a whole whack of people who walk all over you, and there is nothing you have tried, or been able to do, that has addressed YOUR needs, to the extent that there is some control in your own home.

Love is what you do, not what you say you are going to do, or try to do, and allow yourself to fail over and over and over again. Your wife, for whatever reason, has her priorities, and you are not at the top of her list.

Maybe consider insisting on a few commitments from her. One would be counselling for the two of you, to address the adult abuse in your life. I think it is important for your needs to be heard, and you are not getting through on your own. A therapist can allow you an opportunity to speak, and without judgment, offer assistance in allowing and guiding the two of you to make changes.

You will know soon enough if you can expect even small changes, with the commitment of your wife, that will lead to peace in your home with appropriate boundaries. If she is unwilling to get professional help, and you know that you have tried all that you can, and no changes are forthcoming, then it is inevitable that you would have to consider a separation, for your own health and peace of mind.

Bottom line, she has to change herself, in order to change her life. And you have to realize that you should be able to expect change that will be sincere, committted, and lasting.

[Cat1864]

This is going to be harsh.

You have known her for twenty years. Has she always been like this or did it develop after the death of her child? Where is the father in all of this mess? How much was she a part of your life when you were drinking? How much was she a part of it in the eight years before you started the relationship?

As an alcoholic, you should know that most people do not help themselves until they hit the rock bottom of the septic tank. Quite frankly, I think you have switched alcohol for drama as the drug of choice. Unfortunately it isn't that uncommon. However, it means that you are as much a part of the problem as you are the solution. You cannot view yourself as a victim of this family that is dragging you down with them. If you do, you will have to hit rock bottom with them. I am guessing that you already know how that feels. Do you really want to be there again?

I think you need to decide what is best for you instead of enabling her. Loving someone who has a problem whether it be mental, emotional or even physical sometimes means backing off to safe ground and throwing them a safety line. They have to do the work to pull themselves out of the muck but you can be there to offer guidance, encouragement and limited support. You cannot forget to give yourself the support you need to be strong enough to hold on to the rope. You can be the anchor for the rope, but the rope should be counseling with a professional, support groups, self-reliance, etc.

It isn't easy and it does hurt. However, you cannot save her if she is fighting you. You can't be her knight-in-shining armor. She is not a damsel in distress. She is a grown woman who needs to get her act together and be strong for herself and her family (not just the three problem children but the two grandchildren, too.)

You need to take charge of your life. You can separate households. You can make it a condition of any reconciliation talks that she agree to counseling and setting (and enforcing) boundaries with her children. If her children steal from you, you can press charges.

Take care of yourself and good luck.

[vanheart]

At some point you need to decide if the hassle is worth the benefit.

It sounds like she likes to let all of this happen without changing anything. Just because she puts up with this, doesn't mean you have to.

I would take a step back & assess your needs. That means making a decision either to work together or not.
This may a sign of lots of the same to come.

You may find that being without this mess is better for you. No reason to waste your life if you aren't happy.

We can only beat our head against the wall so many times.