[lamchopness]

I have been implementing this no contact business ever since I broke up with my non-committal boyfriend on December 2nd. I am 30, he is 40 and divorced for 10 years now.

We were great friends for five months and dated for 9 months. It was a tad bit rocky on account of our very busy lives. We broke up because of his baggage. Also, both of us have just had big years in terms of starting new jobs and businesses. There have been many times that I felt he was not there for me. I have given him loads of understanding which has not been reciprocated.

However, this guy is amazing. We are on the same frequency on many levels. We laugh together and enjoy the same activities. Even when we broke up, it was over a romantic brunch where we stared lovingly into each other's eyes. He told me how much he loves me, but that he just isn't sure if he can ever get married again.

In a way, I felt that my graduating from grad school made me change socially. Normally, I am very social and out and about, but that all took a back seat when I graduated and got my new job and subsequently have been putting a lot of energy into that.

Also, his father has been diagnosed with cancer. His mother died of cancer 11 years ago. I know this is causing him a significant amount of stress that he will not open up to me about. During our break-up he laid his cards on the table and said something about talking to his dad about me and that his dad feels like he is in prison ever since he remarried. So I think my guy thinks marriage and commitment is like prison.

It's been really hard for me to move on from this relationship. In a month and a half I have really gotten myself back. I am social again and really loving how things are going. I miss him and have setbacks, but I even got my mojo back in the form of flirting. I was so lost I didn't even realize what a catch I am.

So now, it's a month and half later and he called. He left a message saying that he hopes my year has been good so far and would I like to grab a bite to eat and catch up. He also said that he hopes I have a wonderful year as if he realizes that I might not call him back. I would love it if he made the changes he needs to make for us to be together. Logically, I don't think it's possible. I'm worried if I call him back that I will wind up a mess again and have to start over. I love this guy, but maybe too much has happened to get back to where we were.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks!

[SouthernBelle06]

This is a tough situation and I understand your dilemma. It sounds as if you have been doing well without him in a relatively short amount of time, which is great. What is it about exes and their impeccable timing? Just as we seem to finally accept that it is over and try to move on, out of nowhere they call and throw us for a loop all over again. :confused:

The thing that concerns me with his message is what his intentions may be in contacting you. He stated that he wants to meet to "catch up". I don't know if he wants to put you in the dreaded "friends" category or if he has missed you and is testing the waters for a possible reconcilliation. It is a tough call.

If you are still in love with him, I wouldn't recommend trying to be friends because it will delay your healing, which is what happened to me. I wasn't exactly friends with my ex in the sense that we would hang out, but we did continue to stay in touch (at his initiation) and this kept me hoping for a reconcilliation and ultimately in more pain.

Since you are feeling stronger, you may just want to give him a quick return call to gauge his intentions. I'm not sure I would meet him in person for the catch up. A call may be easier for you. If a reconcilliaton is what you want and you don't return his call you may keep yourself stuck in a different way by wondering why he called. You may not be able to just sweep it under the rug and forget about it. You may later kick yourself because you didn't find out. If he does just try to be friends and string you along without any talk of a reconcilliation, at least you will know for sure and you can put it behind you once and for all. But then if you do reconcile and you both still want different things when it comes to marriage, you risk a new breakup all over again. So, I understand your dilemma.

Hopefully some of the other great people on here can give you some better advice than I can. Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do.

[rol]

Yes this is a tough one...

A month and a half is not so long a time to rebuild yourself, I would wait another month perhaps and then call him back, it does sound like he misses you(but in what way , that is the question)

So eventually call him back, don't ask any questions, keep it light and laugh and let him know what a busy , fun life you have been having. . Let him bring the subject of "us" up.

Actually I'm not sure if this is such good advice as you said that you broke up because of his baggage and does not want to commit... so maybe you do need to talk and ask him what has changed. If not you risk getting emotionally involved again and running down the same path.

I think this is one for the experts !

[talaniman]

You broke up for a reason and need I remind you that you have moved forward since. Why should you go back to the way things were? Do you really think he has changed in 90 days? He had his chance and now its yours so keep looking out for you. Let him do all the work for a change and you just watch as he chases.

[ordinaryguy]

I broke up with my non-committal boyfriend

We broke up because of his baggage.

There have been many times that I felt he was not there for me. I have given him loads of understanding which has not been reciprocated.

He told me how much he loves me, but that he just isn't sure if he can ever get married again.

Also, his father has been diagnosed with cancer. His mother died of cancer 11 years ago. I know this is causing him a significant amount of stress that he will not open up to me about. During our break-up he laid his cards on the table and said something about talking to his dad about me and that his dad feels like he is in prison ever since he remarried. So I think my guy thinks marriage and commitment is like prison.

I would love it if he made the changes he needs to make for us to be together. Logically, I don't think it's possible.

As I understand it, you broke up with him for three reasons: One, he's non-committal about marriage; two, he hasn't supported you emotionally ("was not there for me"); and three, he doesn't open up and confide in you as much as you'd like.

You've known him a little over a year, and have been dating for 9 months. I can understand why a forty-year old guy who's been divorced and single for 10 years wouldn't be ready to jump into a marriage with somebody they've known for such a short time. Sounds prudent to me. So just how big of a hurry are you in to get married? If you broke up with him at nine months, you must have been chafing over it for at least two or three months before that, and so must have been expecting a commitment from him at six months or less, right? Do I detect a bit of desperation here?

As far as his lack of emotional support it's hard to say without knowing more, but you do say it's been a busy year for you both, and I take it you're living separately, so just as a logistical matter it would be hard for him to be johnny-on-the-spot every time you got an emotional hangnail. Are you being a little bit unrealistic in your expectations? Just a thought.

About not confiding in you, people deal with their grief and pain in different ways and not everybody uses talking as their preferred method. It isn't necessarily a personal affront if he doesn't tell you about all his feelings about his mother's death, his father's unhappy second marriage and cancer diagnosis. These are not necessarily your business and it's presumptious of you to think that he MUST tell you every detail of his thoughts and feelings about them.

If I'm reading too much or too little between the lines, forgive me, but as far as I can see, he's a pretty reasonable guy to go slow, and you may be rushing it a bit and pushing him to bare his soul in ways he's not comfortable with. You may be right that he's not the one for you, and if you're determined to get married quickly, I'm sure you can find somebody who'll oblige. But don't be too surprised when two or three years down the road you find out that they have hidden issues and secrets you might have discovered if you hadn't been in such a hurry.

[lamchopness]

Thanks for the advice guys. It's really interesting to read what I wrote and see your responses. This whole site has been such a lifesaver.

ordinaryguy, I would like to tell you that I have never once mentioned marriage to my guy. It really is not on my agenda at the moment. That's why it was confusing that he kept bringing it up. Perhaps he was just using that as an excuse. The truth is, he was freaking out and it really was not about me. He said things like, "I used to be a hopeless romantic and then I got married." He married the wrong girl and she left him for another man. I don't think any of this would have come up if he didn't realize what a great girl I am... not to sound conceited... but I do think if he thought I wasn't worth it, it would not have brought about his freak mode. I never pressured him because I know that makes guys run. He pressured himself.

I agree that people deal with grief in their own private and personal ways. I know I am that way. I build walls. In fact, my guy and I have had long talks accusing each other of building walls. Maybe two people who build walls shouldn't be together.

So, what I've decided to do after much consideration is wait it out. I need to continue to work on my personal progress. I think if the guy really makes a change that he will call and leave a message that is more clear about his intentions. If a guy is in love the gal will know it. There won't be a doubt. Am I right?

I need to get myself in a safer place where I don't fear what might happen if I let him back in. I know I don't want more of the same. I want what we had before he started freaking out. I want a caring relationship with trust, mutual respect and understanding. As my mother so eloquently put it, "being with the wrong dude can ruin your life." I'm not sure why he called. I think it was to put out his feelers. What I need to hear from him is an apology and a firm to commitment to work on our problems... not put his sneakers on and run when the gets tough.

Thanks everyone!

[Wildcat21]

I am all for getting back together.

But do you feel you have your power back? Are you in a better place?

Waiting is a good idea - if it's meant to be - you 'll be together.

Go SLOW!! When you de see him. Go slow!!

Don't make him your world.

[ordinaryguy]

ordinaryguy, I would like to tell you that I have never once mentioned marriage to my guy. It really is not on my agenda at the moment. That's why it was confusing that he kept bringing it up. Perhaps he was just using that as an excuse. The truth is, he was freaking out and it really was not about me. He said things like, "I used to be a hopeless romantic and then I got married." He married the wrong girl and she left him for another man. I don't think any of this would have come up if he didn't realize what a great girl I am...not to sound conceited...but I do think if he thought I wasn't worth it, it would not have brought about his freak mode. I never pressured him because I know that makes guys run. He pressured himself.

OK, well that puts a different light on it, for sure. If he can't keep from bringing his decade-old disappointments into this relationship, that certainly is a red flag.

I agree that people deal with grief in their own private and personal ways. I know I am that way. I build walls. In fact, my guy and I have had long talks accusing each other of building walls. Maybe two people who build walls shouldn't be together.

Or at least give up the notion that everything has to be talked about.

If a guy is in love the gal will know it. There won't be a doubt. Am I right?

You can always doubt someone else's love. Hell, you can even doubt your own, if that's what you're inclined to do. It sounds like being in love (or the fear of it) amplified his doubts.

What I need to hear from him is an apology

For what, exactly? Freaking out? Running? Being rude about it?

and a firm to commitment to work on our problems...not put his sneakers on and run when the gets tough.

Sounds reasonable. Does he know that's what you're waiting to hear?

[lamchopness]

Ordinaryguy,
An apology for freaking out, yes. That really hurt me.

I don't think he does know that is what I'm waiting to hear. He is clearly confused. However, I have faith that he'll figure it out because he is a smart guy. If not... two tears in a bucket motherit.

Sloooooooooooooooooooooow is my new motto.

[talaniman]

I agree slow is the way to go. And why be exclusive? Lot of nice dates out there.

[momincali]

He may have called just to chat and "catch up", that's true. Wild Cat is right, if you're not prepared yet, don't go there. Personally, I would just move on. He may make a nice friend some day, but not until you're well involved with someone else, which may be some time from now. I think that as much as you guys got along, there were still too many differences. The baggage he carries for example, you shouldn't be expected to carry.

Take care of yourself, stay focused, stay strong, stay busy and above all have fun. Then one day you can pick up that phone and say "hey..."

[talaniman]

The whole point is you have an agenda he knows nothing about, and may never have a clue. Don't let his shortcomings stop you from having fun and having a happy life.

[chippers]

You've been apart for a year now. Before that, he had a lot of emotional stress on him. With his father being diagnosed with cancer, it probably brings up the past in dealing with his mother. Not to mention the pain of being betrayed by his former wife. That's a lot to carry on even the strongest shoulders.
You have been nonstop with school and now work. You're a different person than you were a year ago. You're focused and got on with your life.
He very well could be calling to catch up. Or he could be calling because he needs someone to unload to. You said in your post that he wasn't there emotionally for you when you needed it because and I'm just guessing here is that he was overwhelmed with his own life. People tend to oblivious to others when they have problems.
I'd wait on calling him. Its great to have fun and laugh and romance but a truly strong relationship can stand the tears and troubles too. You've moved on, to get involved again can only bring up the past. You parted amicably the first time that may not happen the second.
You want more from a relationship than he's capable of giving you. You want the emotional support that he can't give you.

[ordinaryguy]

you've been apart for a year now.

??

I broke up with my non-committal boyfriend on December 2nd.

[chuff]

I'm going to contradict myself here I think but hopefully I can explain.

I agree with those that are saying don't call him or contact him now. Wait another month or two.

But I'm also going to play devil's advocate. Normally we see posts about guys that are just jerks and from what your write he doesn't seem like a bad guy at all. As you pointed out his father is dying of cancer so that's stressful. But you also said they he kept bringing up his divorce and how he couldn't ever get married again. Then in December he just broke it off after a mostly positive courtship. Even the break up was nice! And this is just a theory but maybe after his divorce he never expected to find someone he really liked and appreciated. Maybe he kept saying those things to keep you from not getting to close to him so he couldn't relive the pain. After 9 months perhaps he started falling for you and it scared him so bad that he broke it off so that he wouldn't have to relive the pain of the past.

I'm not saying that's what happened but I'm not discounting it either. Maybe with all the stress in his life and his own confusion over love and relationships he acted in a way to protect himself. I won't argue that it was the wrong way. Because it was. If that's what happened. But I want to reiterate that you should still not contact him for another month or two if you decide too.

I just thought I'd throw it out there.

[chippers]

I agree with the Chuffer.it's nice to hear from a mans point of view. Thebest thing you can do right now is wait a while before calling him.

[rol]

I totally agree with chuff . This guy sounds like a good guy just freaked out by marriage, and also with a lot of personal problems, new business , parents with cancer etc.
Lambchopness(what a name! ) also sounds like a great girl and a good catch,so I reckon this guy was really thinking of marriage and got scared and had to step back

Gosh this sounds a lot like my situation! ;-)

Welcome to the club lambchopness!! Well at least you have your mojo flirting skills back again.. ;-).take a step back now, don't contact for a while and let him find the girl he met 1 year ago back again.

In my situation it was similar, he got freaked by marriage and we cancelled the wedding , and he started calling after a month and I didn't ask questions etc and was just fun... but the mistake was I didn't give him enough time to miss me and what we had, so don't start to hang out with him yet... let him feel the pain of missing you and meanwhile you get yourself back again. Then you can contact him although I'm sure he will befoe then if you don't return his call!! If he calls again maybe you can return the call and tell him you are a bit busy right now and will contact him in a few weeks.

[babydoll365]

This is a hard decision, but you need to make up your mind before you let him out of your life completely! I know how it feels when someone you truly like just doesn't work out. You should call him and tell him that he hurt you but you also know what he's going through. Then maybe go out for coffee and talk about at least being friends. Set some rules for yourself and him. If you guys are truly meant to be than the both of you will see it later. Patience is needed in this situation. But if you see that you are happier and yourself when you aren't around him, then maybe that is the better road for you. Hopefully this goes much better for you than it did me. My guy was just a complete jerkoff. I finally realized that he wasn't the one for me. Now I have someone great! Good luck!

[lamchopness]

The consensus seems that I should wait to call him and that's what I've decided to do. I think he needs more time, not just to miss me, but to figure out what makes him happy.

I need more time as well.

I definitely agree with the viewpoint that he got a freaked by a relationship progressing into something more when he's got a new business, a sick parent and hasn't gotten over the emotional hurtle of his divorce ten years ago... issues.

If we got back together now or if I called him we'd be in the same situation. He's got some growing to do and he's got to do that on his own.

My friend's father said to me, "you don't follow your shadow." I took that to mean that you can't do the chasing. He knows how I feel about him and what I'm looking for. He has the choice to step up to the plate if he wants.

Upon all this reflection I'm starting to lose my optimism about the situation. Sometimes it feels like everything is already ruined... like too much has happened. I just get bummed because I think there is only a 5% chance that he will come through, but other times, I fully expect that he will. It's a weird dichotomy. A good day/bad day type of thing. He is such a great guy, but what is all this crap? How could he put me through this. On the worst days I get through it by thinking to myself that there is no way he would want me to feel this way. The thing is, I do feel this way. I do feel bad.

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts.

[chippers]

The consensus seems that I should wait to call him and that's what I've decided to do. I think he needs more time, not just to miss me, but to figure out what makes him happy.

I need more time as well.

I definitely agree with the viewpoint that he got a freaked by a relationship progressing into something more when he's got a new business, a sick parent and hasn't gotten over the emotional hurtle of his divorce ten years ago...issues.

If we got back together now or if I called him we'd be in the same situation. He's got some growing to do and he's got to do that on his own.

My friend's father said to me, "you don't follow your shadow." I took that to mean that you can't do the chasing. He knows how I feel about him and what I'm looking for. He has the choice to step up to the plate if he wants.

Upon all this reflection I'm starting to lose my optimism about the situation. Sometimes it feels like everything is already ruined...like too much has happened. I just get bummed because I think there is only a 5% chance that he will come through, but other times, I fully expect that he will. It's a weird dichotomy. A good day/bad day type of thing. He is such a great guy, but what is all this crap? How could he put me through this. On the worst days I get through it by thinking to myself that there is no way he would want me to feel this way. The thing is, I do feel this way. I do feel bad.

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts.

Of course you do hon . You're only human. You're feelings are expected and totally normal.
You're torn between missing him and angry for what he put you through. That's sign enough to put the skids on calling him. It would only encourage him and history will be repeating itself. Sometimes nice guys do come with baggage. The fact he hasn't come to terms with his ex is a tell tale sign he's still hurting. He's still greiving over the loss of his marriage and although its heartbreaking to hear, it's not fair to you. By not being able to move on, he's just standing still, emotionally just existing. Where you are moving on. You know what you want from your life. Right now, the break up is still fresh. Your heart hasn't really healled. The anger over what he's put you through is a sign. But its mending. Give it time.
If or when you do talk with him. Be honest with him and yourself. Tell him how you felt about being on the emotional roller coaster with him. He may not realize the impact of his actions affected you.
You're a good strong dare I say Goddess. (all women are). You you have dreams and focus on what you want. You'll know when your heart heals because you'll and o longer be angry.