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Helpmelove · Feb 18, 2011, 07:59 AM

The post is quite long. Please read it all as I am in dire need of advice. Thank you.

To give some background on the relationship, we dated in high school, then met again in college when we were 21 (we're 24 now, 3 year relationship). Immediately fell in love and grew a wonderful relationship. She had been with a couple of guys when I hadn't been with many girls, and it bothered me for a while. Finally we managed to get through it, we were ready to commit and I decided to take a trip to Europe for 2 months. I decided to tell her I wanted to find myself and explore Europe without being tied down, so I broke up with her. When I got back, we "worked things out" and got back together. However, she was deeply hurt by me breaking up with her when I left on my trip. She would get really upset and cry and say how unfair I was, I would apologize, admitted how stupid I was and we carried on. She says now that she never really forgave me and that once I left, she decided to focus 100% on herself.

A couple of days after Christmas, she calls me out of the blue and says she can't do this anymore. That while I was on my trip, she had found herself and she had never been so happy and she wanted to get back there. I didn't chase after her, or anything, I just let her be. Over the course of the following days, I was devastated, but still did not contact her. She text me every day for the next 4 days telling me she missed me and that she was scared she had made the wrong choice. Finally after a week, she calls me and tells me that her mind is made up and she wants this to be over for sure. I go over to talk to her in person, and her mind was made up, I could not get through to her. So I began with my healing process, I started moving on. A week after that last conversation, she calls me crying on the phone, telling me how sorry she was and how stupid she feels, that she realized she didn't want to hold a grudge against me for my trip and that she wanted me for her life.

She then tells me she kissed a guy at a party. At this moment I was very upset but I was able to move past it. We start talking again, dating little by little, and the following weekend she tells me she went on two dates with the same guy and they made out. I had a very hard time dealing with it but I was like, OK I still love her so let's forgive that. The week after that, I call her and she was having anxiety and panic attacks and she needed to talk to me. We got together and she told me that she went up to the guys apartment and they began taking of their clothes, but when they were about to start having sex, she pushed him away and they didn't go through with it. At this point I was pretty much indifferent and pretty much dead inside. We start trying to be OK again, with "no more lying" and she comes over my house one weekend and is acting very very weird. I start talking to her and trying to see what was up and she FINALLY admits to me, after I pressured her, that they went to his apartment, got high, and had sex. The night before she called me, apologizing, crying, begging to get back with me, they had sex.

My little world came crumbling down, because I really cherished having sex with her and I honor exclusivity, I'm old school, I don't buy into the whole sleeping around for fun thing. Anyway, she did that, felt horrible, and just told me she was too ashamed and embarrassed to be with me. So she left. The next morning she calls me to see how I was doing since I almost passed out the night before when she had told me. She came over again, we talked, she said it was short and awkward and not very enjoyable; she says she was thinking of me the whole time.

Now, her excuse for what she did is that she wanted to move on and get over me. That she had a lot of repressed anger towards me and she just wanted to make sure she never came back. This is very immature, when she could have just spoken with me and avoided all this. The more I talk to her about it, the more details I find out, the more hurt I am. Yesterday, we talked about it again and I decided with that conversation I could no longer keep asking her or have her tell me anything about it. However, yesterday she said that the sex wasn't really all that bad, she rated it a 6/10 and says she was moaning and that he went down on her and everything; she didn't orgasm (or so she claims). This doesn't bother me as her and I have a very good sex life. Every time we have sex she orgasms, I make sure I keep her satisfied.

Here is the biggest problem of all, I am having a very difficult time dealing with this, but I am willing to work on it and go to therapy to be able to progress with her. You would think she would be willing to do anything to be with me if I'm the love of her life; that she shouldn't be making me have any doubts. But she keeps on having no patience with me, lashing out about how I changed her psychologicallly, about how her sleeping with this guy out of anger was partly my fault for the way I made her feel when I left on my trip. So, not only do I have to deal with what she did, I also have to deal with her telling me she wants to be herself but she feels she can't be that with me. It makes me feel impotent because we are so different. I know who I am, what I like to do, and what keeps me being myself. I can do that whether I am single or in a relationship.

The guy she slept with, is her best friend's older brother. You would think she would take it upon herself to delete him from Facebook, delete his number off her phone, and distance herself from her best friend (at least for a while), until things are OK with me. But she just doesn't seem to have her priorities straight. I've had to tell her to please have very little contact with her as I don't feel comfortable with it. She deleted him off Facebook, and then readded him and sent him a message saying it was a mistake. She claims that she wanted to show the world pictures of her and I together and she wanted to have him on Facebook so he could see the pictures and know I was better than him; whatever her reasoning, it seems a bit too soon.

Despite all of these problems, I still cherish what we have and love her and her family dearly. I just want to have some honest opinions that will help me progress with her and help me help her. Sorry for the long post I just have a lot on my mind.

Thanks in advance.

answerme_tender · Feb 18, 2011, 08:43 AM

You both are so busy trying to find yourselves that you forgot about the person right next to you!! You didn't need to break up with her to go to Europe, but you made that choice of wanting to control the situation so you broke up without evening caring that you were breaking the heart of the woman you supposively love. Apparently you were fine with breakup as long as you were gone out of sight. But when you got back boy you realized you didn't want to be alone, and of course your OLD FASHION ways of not sleeping around came to surface, so you started sniffing around her again.

She took you back, but unfortuantely that just didn't erase the fact she just couldn't get over the callous way you threw her love away. So instead of her dealing with her feelings and NOT taking you back, she thinks everything is going to go back to what it was, to the time before you broke up.

That will never happen, so she doesn't know that she is still mourning the relationship that will never be the same. Instead of coming to a decision of either moving on without you or getting perhaps some counseling to handle these emotions she gets more upset and more frustrated. What you don't realize is that she is getting over YOU the best way she can, if that means hanging out more with friends, or sleeping around, it is her way of getting over the relationship.

Why does she keep you hooked, because she is still insecure with not knowing what the future holds for her, and you are like a security blanket.

I honestly don't know if this relationship is something both of you will be able to strengthen. You both have done a lot of hurting in the name of FINDING yourselves. Those hurts maynot be something that can really be forgiven to point of not being brought up at every fight. Its time to honestly maybe take a break and see what each one you are willing to live with from each other and still be able to grow as individuals.

Take care

adviceishere · Feb 18, 2011, 08:54 AM

You dumped her to "find yourself" while you were away, so basically to sleep or go with other girls while you were away otherwise why not just go long distance? This is probably what went through her head... she felt completely rejected, hurt and worthless to you as soon as you done that. You get back together, she clearly can't forget the hurt and ends it probably to test you, to see if this time she's worth a little fighting for and you won't let her go this time, you don't chase after her probably telling her in her mind she isn't worth it to you, just like before.

Again you try work it out but she will probably never ever feel secure with you because of this one mistake you made so she has probably lost a lot of respect for you and that's why she's treating you like this, she's completely confused, its easy to fall in love but a different story to fall out of love so she's going back and forth, loving you then being scared and not having a lot of respect left but yet still loving you again... phew.. your asking opinions here and this is only mine.. basically I think there's way too much bad history between you and you should just end things.

Helpmelove · Feb 18, 2011, 09:28 AM

DEAR ADVICEISHERE:

Thanks for your advice! Just wanted to give you more detail to see if maybe there's more advice geared towards making this work: You are correct, I wanted to not be bothered in Europe in case I found someone to hook up with. But it did not happen. Here is the thing. Once I told her I wanted to do this, take a break while I went on my trip, she did not disagree so I thought it was OK. But like a week before I left, she approaches me and tells me she's very hurt and doesn't understand how I could just throw all of this away. That day I realized it was stupid, and told her that I no longer wanted to be without her on my trip. We were fine, I left, and I would call her as often as I could and tell her I missed her. A month into my trip, she broke up with me (through SKYPE!) because she felt great without me. I cut my trip short, came back, and tried to mend it but she would break up with me every 6 weeks or so and I WOULD chase her, just this last time I didn't and she came back anyway

adviceishere · Feb 18, 2011, 09:49 AM

The only way you can make this work is for both of you to be fully committed, loyal and communicate with each other and even though you say your on that page and want to work at it, she isn't, this may well be a lost cause, if she's not willing and eager to fix things then her heart isn't in it anymore, she said herself she was happy without you, she has told you how she feels she can't be herself around you, if you want my opinion I would tell you to cut all ties with her as her constant change of heart will leave you totally confused and depressed, have some fun in your life, start afresh, move on and you will find someone else eventually, that can be herself around you and vice versa.

Helpmelove · Feb 18, 2011, 09:58 AM

ADVICEISHERE:

Thank you very much. I will have a talk with her and let you know how it goes. If I really feel she is not longer willing, and honestly cannot progress, I will make the decision to end it once and for all. It's going to be difficult but if it has to be done I will.

ANSWERME_TENDER:

It was ridiculous of me to throw her and our love away like that. I wasn't thinking straight. However, I do think everything a solution; I just have to see if she's willing to fix it still. The way I saw it, her sleeping with someone squashed my mistake and if we could both see it like that, then we can move on. We will go to counseling and help us get over this. Some other forums suggested hypnotherapy which could also work. I want to let her do what she wants, being with friends, enjoying her life, but I truly believe we can do those things while still being together. If she's still insecure about whether to give her all again or not, I want to make her secure again, so I will let go what she did, and help her and love her more than ever before just so she can see life can be everything she wants it to be! Any advice on how to slowly make it work? Show her she can have everything she wants? That I want to make her happy. That we can find a balance?

answerme_tender · Feb 18, 2011, 10:06 AM

Honestly I would just move on, and yes I know that's easier said then done. She is already almost at the point of ending this relationship anyway. Why do you think she is being so wishy-washy. I agree with adviceishere that is a lot easier to fall in love then to give it up. Aren't you having the same difficulty, you don't agree with the choices she has made, or basically sleeping with another guy then trying to get back with you, then leaving again. Aren't you tired of all the drama, but just caught up with letting go. Maybe you putting the brakes on is what you both need to heal and move ahead with your lives. Only you can decide that--best wishes

adviceishere · Feb 18, 2011, 10:31 AM

"The way I saw it, her sleeping with someone squashed my mistake", two wrongs don't make a right it just adds to the flames. And yes, do let us know how you get on and if ending it is the choice then there are a lot of good people on this that you can talk to,including me, good luck

talaniman · Feb 18, 2011, 09:32 PM

Any advice on how to slowly make it work? Show her she can have everything she wants? That I want to make her happy. That we can find a balance?

Unless she is as willing as you are to do whatever it takes to make this work, what's the point? You can never hope to make her happy, and see what you see, until she is happy with herself, and can heal from her own demons. Her anger, guilt, and shame are fueling her fear and confusion, and I am afraid that you have become her emotional tampon she can't do without, but doesn't know how to be with you. You may have to give her the time, and space to figure herself out, but that's up to you.

For now you have to guide her to the right help, but if she isn't willing to help herself, there is nothing you can do, and no matter how good a partner you try to be, it won't give you that balance, because she has no balance herself, and it will take years to get it.

I think you have to take the lead here, and help you both, but unless she is willing to follow for the good of you both, I just don't see this working. Too much damage, and not enough healing.

There will be no healing until boundaries are set, and some rules of good behavior you both agree on can be established, and that will take an awful lot of honest communications.

vanheart · Feb 19, 2011, 06:37 PM

"I wanted to not be bothered in Europe in case I found someone to hook up with. But it did not happen."

Take responsibility of your actions.

There's no reason to be jealous. You dumped her.

Don't let her "bother" you anymore.

You can't pull that crap, break a heart, then expect her to come running back. I wouldn't.

Always treat people as you want to be treated.

DoulaLC · Feb 19, 2011, 07:31 PM

Quite simply, neither of you are ready to be in an exclusive relationship. Why on earth would you want to be with someone who would feel the need to rate their other sex partner, and give you the details after you asked her not to talk about it anymore?

Break it off, let her go figure out what she wants. You can't make her feel what she isn't feeling no matter how much you may want to. Stop trying to "fix" her and make the relationship something it isn't.

You both seem to be into each other when it is convenient... you broke up to go on a trip in case something better came along, she hooked up with someone else because she was mad at you.

If you really cared about and loved each other, there would be no drama, neither of you would feel the need to "find yourself", or the need to change the other.

The relationship served its purpose for the time you were together... both of you should learn from the experience and move on.

vanheart · Feb 19, 2011, 07:55 PM

Agree. Well put.

adviceishere · Feb 20, 2011, 12:41 AM

Hear hear!

Helpmelove · Feb 21, 2011, 06:01 PM

Hello, thank you for your help. I decided to take a stand and talk to her on Friday afternoon. I told her if we were going to continue building something beautiful, we had to stop mentioning what we did to each other in the past; whether it was me leaving her for my trip or her sleeping with someone for payback. Fact is, I feel there is lots of love still there. I might be blind, and yes, occasionally I see that she is less willing than I am but by setting these rules as you said, we have been able to get along much better and communicate better with each other. IMO it's just a matter of maturity and will. She does want it but pushes me away every time I bring up what she did. This past weekend, I picked her up on Friday from work and just went on a spontaneous random trip to wherever we ended up. I must say, even though we did stall at times and talk about things we shouldn't have.. It helped rekindle what we had.. It really has helped and I hope with all my heart it stays great =)

Helpmelove · Feb 21, 2011, 06:03 PM

I could not agree more.. I was stupid, selfish, and immature for wanting to break up with her when I left.. I mean I had this girl that loved me with everything, never doubted me, never treated me bad, gave me everything I wanted, and I just disposed of her like nothing... I just really have hope, and love. I should have treated her good so she could treat me good and have us be happy, but I was too stupid and immature then to see what I had. Now, all I have is to make this work and pay for my mistake.. I believe we will truly be OK if we can set boundaries and focus on our good things. Thanks again! Wish me the best =( I really want this to work..

Helpmelove · Feb 21, 2011, 06:05 PM

Hello,

It has been a while since I got back from my trip, and her sleeping around made her realize she did not wnt anyone else but me... at least that's how I choose to see it. I just want help to get the images out of my head.. make her happy.. make this work.. and just move forth.. I know many couples that go through this and get through it.. I have a horrible aching in my heart.. I kind of feel like vomiting.. but the times I am without her I feel even worse.. so I believe it is better to forgive her and be happy again than to be miserable without her =( thanks again and please send positive energy my way!

vanheart · Feb 21, 2011, 07:41 PM

I think you are missing the point.

You were selfish & gave her the green light.

Now you feel sick about it.

Forgive her? Get over yourself.

Like DoulaLC stated, neither one of you are ready to be serious.

Take this as a lesson & be better for the next girl.

Helpmelove · Feb 25, 2011, 02:25 PM

Well, my stubborn ways paid off I guess. We were find after we went away for the weekend together. Got back, and she wrote me a really long email Tuesday night, came over to talk to me, and broke it off. She says she has it in her head that she needs to be alone in order to be happy and nobody is going to convince her otherwise. She said she came back after sleeping with that other guy to see if this was really something for her life. But all the constant getting upset over what she did made her realize we're really no longer ready for this. To be honest, I am very upset about her breaking up with me and sleeping with someone else after a week. It makes me feel a little low. I gave her everything, especially in that department.. always made sure she was satisfied. She is a very beautiful girl and I think that's what I'm hanging on to; I'm scared I won't find anyone as beautiful and who is so great in bed. So for the record, we are no longer together and it's permanent I think. I got on to check my Facebook and saw her status and she basically said she was very happy and she added the guy she slept with and his family on Facebook as friends. I also found out that while I was on my EuroTrip she had gone out with this guy in a big group several times and he had tried to go out with her. She says nothing happened. Looking back at all the events, it seems she was very hurt about what I did before I left to Europe, she never really believed I was never with anyone, and she did what she did to make her feel even in her head. Regardless, it should no longer be my problem. Now I just need help on not getting on Facebook to check her stuff (I cancelled my account), and actually accepting that she did sleep with someone else.. which is frankly very low in my book, especially after 10 days of breaking up with me. I need to get over her and move on. Any help on that and any other advice on accepting what she did would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all for you advice! I truly truly appreciate it. =)

vanheart · Feb 25, 2011, 07:38 PM

Well, know you know. Its over.

Don't use this as another tit for tat opportunity & rebound. Like she's doing.

You did the right thing by getting off Facebook. Apply that to everything & disappear. Don't look for ways to check up on her or hunt for gossip.

Use this time to do some serious soul searching and try to become a better, more aware person.

Relationships are built on trust, respect and the will to grow together. Not simply on sex. One should never take another for granted.

Next time think with your head, not your willie.

Good luck.

Helpmelove · Feb 25, 2011, 07:46 PM

Harsh lol.. but yeah I get it.. I can't help myself from occasionally logging onto someone else's Facebook and checking her status and stuff..

On the other hand, as the days pass it's getting better.. I'm set on being alone without a relationship for a while.. until I'm good with myself.. and I wish she'd be doing the same.. eventually I hope to find a way to not think about her anymore.. and think about this guy she slept with.. it really is getting my self-esteem down.. thanks again.. any more advice and help on moving on and not thinking of her with this guy is greatly appreciated...