We were on a break, girlfriend slept with someone else
The post is quite long. Please read it all as I am in dire need of advice. Thank you.
To give some background on the relationship, we dated in high school, then met again in college when we were 21 (we're 24 now, 3 year relationship). Immediately fell in love and grew a wonderful relationship. She had been with a couple of guys when I hadn't been with many girls, and it bothered me for a while. Finally we managed to get through it, we were ready to commit and I decided to take a trip to Europe for 2 months. I decided to tell her I wanted to find myself and explore Europe without being tied down, so I broke up with her. When I got back, we "worked things out" and got back together. However, she was deeply hurt by me breaking up with her when I left on my trip. She would get really upset and cry and say how unfair I was, I would apologize, admitted how stupid I was and we carried on. She says now that she never really forgave me and that once I left, she decided to focus 100% on herself.
A couple of days after Christmas, she calls me out of the blue and says she can't do this anymore. That while I was on my trip, she had found herself and she had never been so happy and she wanted to get back there. I didn't chase after her, or anything, I just let her be. Over the course of the following days, I was devastated, but still did not contact her. She text me every day for the next 4 days telling me she missed me and that she was scared she had made the wrong choice. Finally after a week, she calls me and tells me that her mind is made up and she wants this to be over for sure. I go over to talk to her in person, and her mind was made up, I could not get through to her. So I began with my healing process, I started moving on. A week after that last conversation, she calls me crying on the phone, telling me how sorry she was and how stupid she feels, that she realized she didn't want to hold a grudge against me for my trip and that she wanted me for her life.
She then tells me she kissed a guy at a party. At this moment I was very upset but I was able to move past it. We start talking again, dating little by little, and the following weekend she tells me she went on two dates with the same guy and they made out. I had a very hard time dealing with it but I was like, OK I still love her so let's forgive that. The week after that, I call her and she was having anxiety and panic attacks and she needed to talk to me. We got together and she told me that she went up to the guys apartment and they began taking of their clothes, but when they were about to start having sex, she pushed him away and they didn't go through with it. At this point I was pretty much indifferent and pretty much dead inside. We start trying to be OK again, with "no more lying" and she comes over my house one weekend and is acting very very weird. I start talking to her and trying to see what was up and she FINALLY admits to me, after I pressured her, that they went to his apartment, got high, and had sex. The night before she called me, apologizing, crying, begging to get back with me, they had sex.
My little world came crumbling down, because I really cherished having sex with her and I honor exclusivity, I'm old school, I don't buy into the whole sleeping around for fun thing. Anyway, she did that, felt horrible, and just told me she was too ashamed and embarrassed to be with me. So she left. The next morning she calls me to see how I was doing since I almost passed out the night before when she had told me. She came over again, we talked, she said it was short and awkward and not very enjoyable; she says she was thinking of me the whole time.
Now, her excuse for what she did is that she wanted to move on and get over me. That she had a lot of repressed anger towards me and she just wanted to make sure she never came back. This is very immature, when she could have just spoken with me and avoided all this. The more I talk to her about it, the more details I find out, the more hurt I am. Yesterday, we talked about it again and I decided with that conversation I could no longer keep asking her or have her tell me anything about it. However, yesterday she said that the sex wasn't really all that bad, she rated it a 6/10 and says she was moaning and that he went down on her and everything; she didn't orgasm (or so she claims). This doesn't bother me as her and I have a very good sex life. Every time we have sex she orgasms, I make sure I keep her satisfied.
Here is the biggest problem of all, I am having a very difficult time dealing with this, but I am willing to work on it and go to therapy to be able to progress with her. You would think she would be willing to do anything to be with me if I'm the love of her life; that she shouldn't be making me have any doubts. But she keeps on having no patience with me, lashing out about how I changed her psychologicallly, about how her sleeping with this guy out of anger was partly my fault for the way I made her feel when I left on my trip. So, not only do I have to deal with what she did, I also have to deal with her telling me she wants to be herself but she feels she can't be that with me. It makes me feel impotent because we are so different. I know who I am, what I like to do, and what keeps me being myself. I can do that whether I am single or in a relationship.
The guy she slept with, is her best friend's older brother. You would think she would take it upon herself to delete him from Facebook, delete his number off her phone, and distance herself from her best friend (at least for a while), until things are OK with me. But she just doesn't seem to have her priorities straight. I've had to tell her to please have very little contact with her as I don't feel comfortable with it. She deleted him off Facebook, and then readded him and sent him a message saying it was a mistake. She claims that she wanted to show the world pictures of her and I together and she wanted to have him on Facebook so he could see the pictures and know I was better than him; whatever her reasoning, it seems a bit too soon.
Despite all of these problems, I still cherish what we have and love her and her family dearly. I just want to have some honest opinions that will help me progress with her and help me help her. Sorry for the long post I just have a lot on my mind.
Thanks in advance.
Comment on Helpmelove's post
"The way I saw it, her sleeping with someone squashed my mistake", two wrongs don't make a right it just adds to the flames. And yes, do let us know how you get on and if ending it is the choice then there are a lot of good people on this that you can talk to,including me, good luck
Comment on DoulaLC's post
Comment on DoulaLC's post
Comment on talaniman's post
Hello, thank you for your help. I decided to take a stand and talk to her on Friday afternoon. I told her if we were going to continue building something beautiful, we had to stop mentioning what we did to each other in the past; whether it was me leaving her for my trip or her sleeping with someone for payback. Fact is, I feel there is lots of love still there. I might be blind, and yes, occasionally I see that she is less willing than I am but by setting these rules as you said, we have been able to get along much better and communicate better with each other. IMO it's just a matter of maturity and will. She does want it but pushes me away every time I bring up what she did. This past weekend, I picked her up on Friday from work and just went on a spontaneous random trip to wherever we ended up. I must say, even though we did stall at times and talk about things we shouldn't have.. It helped rekindle what we had.. It really has helped and I hope with all my heart it stays great =)
Comment on vanheart's post
I could not agree more.. I was stupid, selfish, and immature for wanting to break up with her when I left.. I mean I had this girl that loved me with everything, never doubted me, never treated me bad, gave me everything I wanted, and I just disposed of her like nothing... I just really have hope, and love. I should have treated her good so she could treat me good and have us be happy, but I was too stupid and immature then to see what I had. Now, all I have is to make this work and pay for my mistake.. I believe we will truly be OK if we can set boundaries and focus on our good things. Thanks again! Wish me the best =( I really want this to work..
Comment on DoulaLC's post
Hello,
It has been a while since I got back from my trip, and her sleeping around made her realize she did not wnt anyone else but me... at least that's how I choose to see it. I just want help to get the images out of my head.. make her happy.. make this work.. and just move forth.. I know many couples that go through this and get through it.. I have a horrible aching in my heart.. I kind of feel like vomiting.. but the times I am without her I feel even worse.. so I believe it is better to forgive her and be happy again than to be miserable without her =( thanks again and please send positive energy my way!
Comment on vanheart's post
Harsh lol.. but yeah I get it.. I can't help myself from occasionally logging onto someone else's Facebook and checking her status and stuff..
On the other hand, as the days pass it's getting better.. I'm set on being alone without a relationship for a while.. until I'm good with myself.. and I wish she'd be doing the same.. eventually I hope to find a way to not think about her anymore.. and think about this guy she slept with.. it really is getting my self-esteem down.. thanks again.. any more advice and help on moving on and not thinking of her with this guy is greatly appreciated...