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supermum1965 · Jan 19, 2011, 06:26 AM

We took my sons girlfriend in after she had problems at home. I never totally trusted her. A couple of days ago I noticed a condom in her purse, last night she went out with mates which is unusual and today I noticed the condom is gone. There are other reasons that convince me she is cheating on my son, he is 16 and she is 15, any advice on what I should do

cdad · Jan 19, 2011, 06:45 AM

A missing condom isn't enough to warrant such worries. She could have given it to someone else since she was out in a group. What concerns me most is that you have taken her into your home. It would be best if she wasn't there because your only asking for trouble at this point. Regardless of any cheating you suspect. She really needs to go.

jenniepepsi · Jan 19, 2011, 07:46 AM

Its your sons life. As hard as it is to accept, even at this age, interfering is only going to build a wall between you and your son that will last YEARS into adult hood.

And I'm not so sure that she is cheating. It is actually MORE likely that your son used the condom with her. (has hard as that is to accept about our children :( )

J_9 · Jan 19, 2011, 08:49 AM

Big question here...

Who has legal guardianship over this girl?

supermum1965 · Jan 20, 2011, 06:23 AM

Her grandmother brought her up until last year when she returned to her mother. She stays with us to enabl her to continue at same school. Both her grandmother and mother have parental responsibility for her

supermum1965 · Jan 20, 2011, 06:24 AM

I confronted her about it and she said it was for the friend she went to meet

supermum1965 · Jan 20, 2011, 06:29 AM

I took her in as her mother lived out of area and she is in her final year at school, this enabled her to finish her education. She leaves school in June. My worry is the effect it will have on my 11 year old daughter as she has really taken to her

J_9 · Jan 20, 2011, 06:37 AM

You might also want to consider the effect you are having on your 11 year old by letting this girl live with you. It appears that you don't have a problem with two teens living together and having sex under your roof.

But I'm not here to push my morals on you.

supermum1965 · Jan 20, 2011, 06:47 AM

I would have a problem with them having sex under my roof. She shares a room with my daughter while my son is in another.My son is fully aware that she is under age and I trust him 100% on that one

excon · Jan 20, 2011, 07:05 AM

Originally Posted by supermum1965

i noticed a condom in her purse,

Hello again, mum:

Most of us here assumed that she was having sex with your son at your house... After all, they're living together and she had a condom in her purse... You say they're not, while at the same time you think she's having sex with someone else...

I think you're wrong. I think they're sneaking around your house and boffing each other at every opportunity. I also wonder what you were doing in her purse??

You know what?? This whole situation is looking more and more like you created it.

excon

supermum1965 · Jan 20, 2011, 07:16 AM

I was checking her purse to see if she had any money left as I am the only one who gives her spending money. I agree I created the situation by trying to help a teenager in need as I wish someone had done for my husband and stopped him being abused

excon · Jan 20, 2011, 07:36 AM

Hello again, mum:

You sound sooooo innocent... You were only checking on her money, because if there wasn't enough, you were going to give her some more, right?? And, you can't be blamed because you're only doing the work someone SHOULD have done for your husband...

I ain't buying ANY of it... You're a snoop. You're a busybody. You SAY you're doing this for your son... You also SAY you're doing this for your daughter. But, you're doing this for you.. You LIKE to run things.

excon

supermum1965 · Jan 20, 2011, 08:31 AM

Perhaps I should look for advice from someone with an ounce of compassion and not an idiot was a massive chip on his shoulder, Whatever I won't be reading anymore comments from you.GET A JOB YOU FOOL

jenniepepsi · Jan 20, 2011, 08:57 AM

Wow. I doubt you are going to get any more advice than what you already got hon.

And actually, your behavior here tells me you are NOT an adult, you sound like a teen throwing a fit right now.

Please try to take a deep breath, calm down, and realise that your sons girlfriends sex life is NONE of your business. Even if it is a sex life with your son. HIS sex life is your business, but hers is NOT

redhed35 · Jan 20, 2011, 09:12 AM

In your first post you day that you don't completely trust her, your worried that she's cheating on your son,your worried about the effect she's having on your own daughter.

This situation is getting out of hand,while I understand your trying to help her,perhaps its time to reconsider the living arrangements with this girl.

You trust your son and that's good, your trying to help a vunerable teen,again, that's good,however the impact its having on your family is not so good.

It could be that she gave the condom to her friend,and that there both telling the truth that there not having sex,but because you're the adult in the situation you need to look at the bigger picture and keep them both from getting in harms way.

If something happens to her while she's in your house and under your roof,the backlash will be on you.

I believe your heart was in the right place when you took her in,but perhaps now its time to hand over the reigns to her mother again.

Alty · Jan 20, 2011, 09:13 AM

Here's the problem. This isn't your child. She may live in your house, but she's not your child and you have no say in what she does, especially since her mother still has parental control.

I find both sets of mothers to be wrong in this case. You for allowing your sons girlfriend to live with you, and her mother for allowing her to live with you.

If she has to change schools so be it. She needs to move back in with her mother, where she belongs.

If that's not something you're willing to do than you'll have to learn to accept that they're teens, they'll do stupid things, and you're enabling them by allowing them to live together.

I also agree that you're fooling yourself if you think they aren't having sex. Kids lie, especially about stuff like this. I'd be grateful that you found a condom, at least you know they're trying to be safe.

supermum1965 · Jan 20, 2011, 09:17 AM

Thank you. I guess ill have to send her back. Another case of me trying to help someone and failing

supermum1965 · Jan 20, 2011, 09:22 AM

Thank you, believe me I was only trying to help, she wasn't actually his girlfriend when I took her in that happened afterwards. I can't make her go back to mum I think I'm going to have to get social services involved

redhed35 · Jan 20, 2011, 09:26 AM

I don't think ever trying to help anyone ends in failure, it may not always work out the way we hoped,that does not make it a failure.

There are plenty of ways to help people, volunteering at shelters,nursing homes,animal shelters,hospitals, children's wards.

Some people have 'carer' stamped on their foreheads, they NEED to help,it makes them feel good and also the other person, its not a bad trait,in fact, the world needs carers...

Alty · Jan 20, 2011, 09:36 AM

thank you. I guess ill have to send her back. Another case of me trying to help someone and failing

I find that many times when we help someone we have expectations on how they should act because of that help. When they don't act the way we want them to we get upset.

That's what I'm seeing here. I'm sure you had the best intentions, but this plan wasn't thought out. You probably thought she'd become this wonderful human being because of your generosity, instead she's causing problems in your home.

I also see in your posts that you seem to think that because you helped her you have a right to snoop in her belongings and you have a right to control what she does. That's not the case. She's not your child, she's a guest in your home. You had no right to go into her personal belongings, but it seems that you feel justified in doing so because you gave her a place to stay. That's not the case.

Many times we help others for purely selfish reasons. We want to feel needed, or we want to show others how kind and caring we are. If you're helping this girl to make yourself feel good than you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

If you're helping to make her life better than you can't have any expectations, it is what it is.

So, did you fail? No. You just didn't get what you wanted out of helping this child.