[BOYGEORGE]

I knew she was bi before I asked her to marry me. I saw photos of her with a recent ex that showed her happier tan I have ever seen. It makes me wonder if I will ever make her that happy. In fact I asked her directly if she could truly be happy with just me. She said yes. She said that she could never live with a woman though she likes men and woman equally. But that I make her happy and that she wants to marry me, see the world, have children etc. So she shunned away most of her bi exes, who she used to keep contact with. But now a month into our engagement, she spent a few extra days visiting "friends" while visiting family (all woman). Her best friend, a lesbian who is an ex spent 4 days in our apartment while I was out of town... I didn't ask if anything went down. She is my fiancée... I have to give her that respect and trust right?
She claims they are just great friends now. She hangs out exclusively with the gay/lez crowd when I am out of town and only when I'm out of town. Frankly she has never agreed to "hang" with me ever. I have suggested dancing or just club hopping and she always says no. But the moment I go out of town... she heads out to the clubs with her friends!! Otherwise she lives the heterosexual lifestyle. Comes home, cleans, cooks, watches movies with me etc. Recently an ex posted on her Facebook page that she would love to still be making love to her. She immediately erased the post but hey...
All the signs point to the obvious... but then the flip side is that she is the perfect fiancée in front of our respective parents. Could she be that cruel? That fake? What could be the gain out of this? Could she be fooling herself? Am I just paranoid and can't trust what she says?
Oh and one other thing, she can't stand more than a few minutes of male penetration. Ya think that isn't frustrating? And she says she never would go down on any woman. Can you say strange!
I wonder if I made the wrong decision in asking her to marry me. Not because I don't love, because I do with all my heart. And I think she loves me too. But maybe she is just in love with the idea of a heterosexual marriage.

I'm confused!

[Cat1864]

How old are both of you and how long have you known each other/been dating before you asked her to marry you?

Bisexual people are perfectly capable of settling down in a monogamous relationship. It is no different than homosexuals or heterosexuals forming a committed relationship.

However, I think you need to talk to her about why she seems to enjoy going out with friends, but not with you. It may not be something that she has consciously thought about. It may be that she wants to keep you all to herself.

Do you do other things together like go out to movies, concerts, dinner, or any other 'date-type' activity?

When you are relaxing, have you asked her why she doesn't seem to be able to stand more than a few minutes (How many is a few?) of 'male penetration'?

[BOYGEORGE]

I'm in my early 40's she is almost 30. We have both been married before. We have dated about a year. I don't think I was very clear earlier. When she goes out, it is only with her lesbian friends. And often ones that are single and looking. So I don't think it's that she is trying to keep me to herself. Though it certainly feels as if she wants to keep the two "lives" separate. Whenever I ask her about how the night out was I get the same reply... "cool" "very cool" They are really great girls.
We do everything together like movies, boating, parks, museums, vacations etc. Normal "settled" people stuff. But if I ever ask her to "hang out" I mean like late night drinking, dancing, she finds a reason not to. Funny thing is that is not really my scene, but I would do it with her. But she perfers gay/lesbian bars. She can stay out until 6am and not get tired. And I get the feeling that she would like to keep that part of her life separate. We went to a gay comedy club one night and her vibe was on fire. She was a different person. Not better... just different... more energetic.
I've seen photos of her with an ex and the joy on her face is unlike any I have yet to see.

As for the sex... yes we have talked about it half a dozen times. Explicitely. She loves giving oral sex to me. She craves oral sex given to her. She literally hates penetration and we have worked hard to find a timing, positions and the right condoms to make the "short" experience as pleasurable for us both as possible.
What Early in our relationship she asked if I would be into a three-way relationship. Where she could have both a woman and me. At first I said I would try, though I hated the idea since she only likes "male types". Then as the relationship progressed it became obvious that we were a great unit all on our own and love was prominent. So the three-way just fell into the idea can.
So the long answer is I think penetration is just not on her fun list.
Was she raped as a child? I don't think so... don't know. Did she have some horrible sexual experience early on that made her hate penetration... ditto. But that is her stance.
Funny thing is... she is very shy. But when she has even just a little alcohol the sex is GREAT! The penetration part is not an issue in fact she asks for more!! But she hardly ever drinks!
Our most enjoyable moments romantically (sex or no sex) have been when alcohol has let her inhibitions loosen a bit.
Well...

[JudyKayTee]

All sorts of bells and whistles went off when I read that alcohol loosens her inhibitions. Are you certain that she truly is bi and not lesbian? She wants oral, she doesn't like penetration, if penetration is involved she wants it to be over as quickly as possible, she will allow penetration when alcohol is involved.

This would all trouble me.

And, yes, I agree - you can be faithful to a partner no matter what your sexual orientation is.

[Fr_Chuck]

Bi sexual, homosexual or I will try anything sexual, is no excuse for cheating in a relastionship. A man or women who may desire another person of any sex merely controls those feelings if they are married and are going to be true.

If there are issues, a counselor that deals with those issues would be advised

[jeje409]

I think she's made it quite clear what she wants in life... I am in same situation... lez married to a man... maybe her and I can meet :) If it ain't broke don't fix it!

[jeje409]

I can TOTALLY relate... in same situation... im 30 and hubby is 45,and he KNOWS I'm a lesbian... he tells all his friends and he still loves me the same... some things we do sexually and some we don't,but he doesn't have a prob with it... he loves me for me.and it DOESN'T matter how she became lez... she is and that's all that matters.I ask myself everyday if I made a mistake marrying a man... and yes I did.if you can't get past whom she attracted to then maybe you're better off without her.I love my hubby dearly but there's still something missing and it's something that we can't get from a man.

[CravenMorhead]

I don't think she has come to terms with her sexuality yet. It really seems like she is on the fence and not willing to chose one side or another. She is playing stereotypical housewife for you and wild single lesbian when she goes out. I think it is a matter of having her cake after eating it.

As judykaytee said, there are many, many red flags here. I don't throw around the word cheating because I think people are too paranoid about it. I believe that it is a very real possibility that she is getting her woman fix on the side. It might not be explicit but it is emotional at the very least.

I would also ask if this is something you're willing to live with for the rest of your life. You're already questioning your entire relationship with her right now. I think this uncertainty will just grow until it becomes the elephant in the drawing room.

Bisexual women, and men for that matter, can be happy with just one partner. There are some that can't as well. It is just like any other demographic. There are men who are true as true can be, but others aren't. Having a mistress so to speak. The same goes for the women who are loyal versus those who's sink seems to be always leaking. Yea, I know, cue the cheesy porn music.

It is more a matter of personality and personal morals. I think she might hurt you. Just the feeling I get.

[BOYGEORGE]

I mean all of them. And when I am out of town she doesn't just go for coffee or dinner. She hangs out till 6am sometimes. She goes for late night walks. She goes on day trips. Things that couples do. It has become a paranoia now. I have flat out asked if she needs that satisfaction and she guarantees me that I am all she needs. That if it ever changed she would say soemthing. So why can't I sleep when I am out of town? And can you get over this? Is there a way? I know if I continue to inquire she will probably get frustrated and leave the relationship. But something in me says I'm being fooled. That she is covering her true desires in an effort to have it all.

The last time we had a big talk about it she said something interesting. She said no "Man" could ever take her away from me. Then she went on to say, "Who knows what could happen 5,6 or 7 years down the road",. "only God Knows",. "but if I ever felt the need to kiss a woman I would tell you".

I'm in my hotel room now... 6 thousand miles away... I can't sleep.

SOS

[tickle]

What can we say, boygeorge to make you feel better about this relationship. Just because she has lesbian friends doesn't mean she is having sex with them. Sounds like this is bordering on the paranoia for you and that isn't good for your day to day activities. So you have to let it go. Northing is worth ruining your life.

It certainly doesn't sound like she is trying really hard to reassure you that nothing is going on.

Does she normally play games with you? Because it sounds like she is enjoying your tension.
Tick

[JudyKayTee]

Agree with Tick - both of you are getting something out of this relationship (perhaps the drama) or it would end.

If her lifestyle is not the lifestyle you want, then cut her loose. I don't know why her friends being lesbian is an issue. I wouldn't be happy if MY partner was out until 6AM with men, women or both, on a regular basis.

Sounds like she drops little "clues" about women to keep you spinning.

I personally think this relationship is doomed. She enjoys upsetting you and some part of you must enjoy being upset.

[tickle]

Had to spread the rep Judy, yes we are on the same page. I agree with what you say.

Tick

[talaniman]

Its pretty obvious you have a lot more to learn about your future wife, and don't get married with doubts in your head. I think the next year will be interesting when it comes to seeing how well you work together to resolve your issues, and start to set rules and boundaries of good behavior between you, that you both can agree on.

Is there a way? I know if I continue to inquire she will probably get frustrated and leave the relationship. But something in me says I'm being fooled. That she is covering her true desires in an effort to have it all.

You will never resolve anything by NOT inquiring, and being honest that you have some issues. As long as you are more worried about losing her than you are about learning about each others feelings, and true natures, this relationship will fail any way.

Now there is a way to communicate with each other, and that's what you have to find. Since you both have been married before, then it would seem you should already know that honest communications put everything in the open to be worked through. Being afraid to be honest hurts you both. Being afraid doesn't help to build communications one bit. It's the easy way out, and the most destructive thing you can do in any healthy relationship.

It comes down to how well you work together, and don't be in a hurry, or a big rush until you are very comfortable with each other because, I think you have hooked up with a female with a ticking clock, who has her own issues to contend with. The desire for the family life and to have it all is what we all want, but that doesn't mean we are as ready for it as we think.

I won't speak for her, but from what you have written, you are not. And you won't be until your questions are answered to your satisfaction. Until you have a clearer understanding of all the circumstances, and right now all you have are a lot of questions and no understanding.

There is no hurry to get married, so get the understanding, and confidence that comes with knowing before, you worry about the marriage part.

[BOYGEORGE]

Wow Talaniman,

This is truly the best advice on this relationship I have had since day one. You are spot on. I can't be afraid to discuss my fears with her. We do have the kind of relationship where we can talk about everything. This is sensitive yes, but we have discussed it in the past. It's just about timing and how I broach the subject. But indeed I will never be comfortable in this relationship until I have some questions answered. Bravo to you... and thanks again!

BoyGeorge

[BOYGEORGE]

Well it came to pass. My beautiful fiancée had an affair with another woman. Not even a month after accepting my proposal she began an affair that lasted 4 months before I found out. And now we are over. Not because of the affair alone... but because of the truth. Our simple truth. My bi-sexual woman could not be happy with just a man.
As much as she told me repeatedly how in love she was, how faithful she would be and how honest she would be there was no denying her true nature. Dis-honesty.

So I manintain that it is possible... perhaps... but just not with her.

Thank you to everyone who responded and offered thoughts, concerns and advice. I can't tell you how beneficial it was to have a forum to come to.

Bless you all...

And life goes on.

[talaniman]

I am sorry for your loss, but you have learned much I wager about yourself mostly. Suck now maybe, but it's a good thing in the long run.

Evidently, she wasn't honest with herself, so she couldn't be honest with YOU.

Life does go on, and gets better.