[kane1]

I am 29 years old and have been with my husband for the last 9 years, we have been married for 5. My husband works abroad and we see each other for 2 months every 6-7 months. Half of this 2 months is spent fighting and I believe its because we are so very different. Our goals in life are different. He wants kids and we fight about it all the time. I want my career first, I am an auditor and I believe that I can wait a few more years, maybe 2-3 before having kids. He's 32 and thinks he 's old and wants them now. His family don't like me, they think a married woman should be home in the kitchen and with the babies, while the man works. Having kids is not the only problem, we are different in every way, we once joked that opposites attract but it doesn't seem funny anymore. I have never been unfaithful to my husband and I have no intention to but lately I have found myself wanting out of the marriage but afraid of what it would mean. I have never failed at anything that I have set my mind to and I can't bear to think that my marriage has failed but I don't know if I want it to work out. I sometimes sit and think I am alone most of the time anyway so nothing would really change. I also consider my nephews age 8 and 12 and my niece age 10 who consider my husband their dad, their father is not around and I don't want to hurt them or disappoint them by getting a divorce. My husband and I have been the stable factor in their lives and I have seen what their parents separation did to them. I don't know what to do, there is no third person involved just me wanting to be happy and I am not. The sad thing is that I know my husband loves me I just don't feel anything or rather I don't love him as before and I don't miss him the way I should when he's not here. The distance has also caused our communication to break down and he loves his job so I would never ask him to leave.

I have been in love with someone else since I am 14. I am now 30. This person was married and have been divorced for 10 years and I still love him. I don't know if the feeling is mutual. I am unhappy in my marriage.

Please help.

[mystific]

The threads were merged to reflect that fact.

I thought you said there was no third person, but yet you've been in love with someone else since you were 14?

[LightCross]

Your married with your husband and you must remember the fact that your husband working abroad is for your family , his family it does show that he really looking forward and care about his future with you. If you're unhappy with the current situation you should talk with your husband when he is around rather than keep it. As for the guy you have been in love since 14 , well... like you said earlier you don't know whether the feeling is mutual or not , and second you already have a family now so thinking about other guy besides your husband is a taboo if I should say because you already committed to someone else and breaking that commitment will hurt your current partner.

And even if you do in the end break commitment with your husband and go for the guy, what do you think the guy would think of you?If I were the guy I would think 'this girl broke commitment with her husband so easy and go for me,if later she were to commit with me will she ever do the same?' commitment is commitment if you don't want the commitment then you shouldn't have make the commitment in the first place. Sorry I am kind of abit harsh but yeah that is my honest opinion

[talaniman]

Four months out of a year is hardly a bonding experience, and its not just different goals in life, but a disconnect in your lives now. He wants to come home to children, and you are not ready, but is there a plan that you both can agree on?

Additionally thoughts of a long lost love, and happier times is not unusual to balance the discontent you feel now. You have been doing this distance thing for a very long time now, but have yet resolve or plan for a common goal to work toward with clear guidelines. The welfare of the nieces an nephews, while compelling, is not a reasonable argument to why you have not found a way to reconcile your differences, nor an excuse as to how stable your influence is because he is still gone most of the year to them also.

The distance has hurt communications, but I think th sooner the plan is hatched about your future together, the faster you can re-bond together, and work toward a common goal which is family. I realize you have your own career and may resent any changes to it, I would to, but I think the biggest obstacle is your feelings about his being absent for 6-7 months a year. He also has to make adjustments to his working arrangements that make you happy as well.

This all is about honest communications, and equal sharing of the work to be done. I can certainly understand you not wanting to give up your career, for a lifetime of raising a family alone for such great amounts of time when he won't be there.

You both need a solid plan that benefits you both, and that takes honest communications, and shared sacrifice. For the short term, as well as the long term.