[daisydew]

Oops, I typed that wrong. I meant I have had a couple of good days... or days where I have had a couple hours where I realize my life will keep going on. It's been 2 months since he broke up with me. For the first month, he kept leading me on though. He kept telling me he hoped we could be together, and how I was the one for him. I finally couldn't take it anymore and cut off all contact. That's when he found another girlfriend. I just feel so lonely. How did he fall out of love with me so fast? I would give anything to not be in love with him anymore and just be able to forget about him.

[Ash123]

It is the WORST FEELNG ON EARTH. It makes us selfish and lost and isolated and absolutely sure no one can feel pain like ours! And we may be right, but Vincent van Gogh and Anne Frank and Nelson MAndela may give you a run for your money :-) But barely. Getting over a lost love is usually pre-wired in the brain as a survival tool IF we do the things that let it work. If not, it may take longer. If he left you - it may hurt worse... But if so, this HAD to happen. If you left and he is dating, it may just be his own coping mechanism... Regardless, - you will emerge triumphant!

Here's How: Buy a calendar. Each day put an adjective (or 2 or 3) of how you feel in the box. On the 90th day you may see you are strong again. BUT to do this you must create isolation... Knowing of his life or habits or anything stops the calendar in its tracks. If by some wild chance he IS the only one that understands you, God will bring him back. But the truth is that he may not really be THE ONE, and by going on a 90 day DaisyDew Program, you will look at those adjectives one day and smile. Guaranteed. But only if you let your brain do it's job and heal your soul. Limp out of bed and buy a calendar just for this and eat a snack and TRUST THAT your happiness is now BACK IN YOUR HANDS. The adjectives may be less one day soon. You may not want to even write one.. who knows... see where it takes you.
Empowerment is a powerful thing. Your mind is aching to get started. And you will be AMAZED at what your life will bring you in a year. This is life and it's what makes us human. If we didn't suffer we would be lawn furniture. If we didn't learn from our suffering we would be rusty lawn furniture. Be excited. Focus on that calendar. It will help you. If your relationship was over 3 years ypu can add 45 (extra) days on your calendar (just to be sure) to your peace... You'll get there. Tolerate school, friends, meals as best you can. They will all magically get easier as time heals your wounds - as long as you do not cheat. Best of luck!

[valinors_sorrow]

I've been speaking to a counselor, and she's been helpful. I guess I have had a few days. I just miss him so much. I wanted my life to be with him, and now it's not going to end up that way. How long did it take you all to get over your exes?

Good for you about the counselor Daiseydew! Grief is a unique and personal process but it is a process that takes time. I have been not myself for quite a while after a relationship ended. And it always is a two steps forward, one back kind of journey. The incredible thing I found is one of two things happened. I either learned I didn't die and life was somehow better as a single woman than before or I learned tangible things that made the next relationship work even better-- powerful lessons both that I needed before I met My One. So it is fair to say the best is yet to come and some of this now is the "ditch digging" part of that preparation. Not fun, hard work but a kind of necessary you won't see that way until you get further down the road. Sometimes all we can do is trudge through these parts. Trudge, trudge, trudge.

[Skell]

And a real trudge is can be at times too Daisydew.

It's a roller coaster of emotions that's for sure. Even 12 months on from my break up I have off days, hear things I don't want to hear, run into the ex. All these things still have an impact, but over time you find that it isn't so much the impact that becomes less, it's the time it takes you to not care so much again.

For instance I ran into my ex for the first time in a while on the weekend! When I first saw her I sort of lost my breathe! It was a little scary. We spoke, I learnt some things I wasn't too keen to learn (she's off to Africa to care for children with AIDS - part of her nursing) and we parted ways again. We were civil and everything was fine but still It wasn't a nice experience and it churned up a whole heaps of emotions inside me.

But you know what? A day or two later and I don't really care too much. It isn't occupying my mind. Im back to normal operation (not that I'm very normal).

If the same thing happened 8 months ago I would probably be at home in bed crying about it for a week.

Sorry, what a ramble, but just know it is only time that will make the steps forward bigger and the steps backwards littler!

[valinors_sorrow]

If we didn't suffer we would be lawn furniture.

God, I love this line! It may not make the suffering less but it sure makes it honorable---a crucial part of our human journey and a universally understood emotional language. I may have to plagiarize that line, Ash! :p

The trick is... don't get stuck in it! And if you are, take countermeasures as if you are in emotional quicksand!

[Teaching]

I wanted to suggest this website Darren L. Johnson Official Website | Letting Go of Stuff | Motivational Books| Self Growth Audio Book. it is amazing the advice he gives. I found it has helped me.

[tamed]

How long does it take to really be over someone? I don't feel like I'm ever going to be over him.

Hey girl,
I understand the pain that you are going through but I have to say that life really is too short for you to be sitting around feeling sad over a guy who is getting on with his own life. I'm sorry to be so morbid and I know that its probably not what you want to hear but I feel I have to remind you of how short life is and how important it is to live your own life to the max as no one else will do it for you. Sometimes we can look down so much that we no longer notice the sunshine, please don't do that to yourself.

[kristynn]

It sure is hard, but take it day by day... It may take a while (maybe even half a year or more) OR you may never get over him completely, yet you've got to try and move on with your life.

What's the use of being so down anyway? C'mon! You say he's happy now. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, TOO! ;)

[Mingem]

Hi everyone,
I'm about 7 weeks into my breakup now and I'm doing so much better! I'm so thankful for this board! I started seeing a counselor today because I was having guilty feelings about things I wish I could go back and change in the relationship.

One thing that really bothered me about my ex was that he kept in contact with ALL of his exes and ex "flings". He even went so far as to take ME out on a couple lunches with them. I voiced my opinion about how uncomfortable it made that he was still messaging, phoning, and occasionally hanging out with his ex girlfriends. He said it is just a sign of his maturity that he is capable of being friends with his exes. Personally, I felt like he was kind of keeping them on the backburner "just in case". He tried to go back to one of them right before he met me, but she wouldn't take him back as she had already met someone else.

The counselor today said that she thought him needing to remain friends with his exes was a sign of immaturity. She thinks he felt the need to hold onto the past, and it made him incapable of committing to the future. She also said it was immature for him to try to change my boundaries of not being okay with him hanging out with his exes. He made me feel like I was the one who was wrong.

I feel like I could NEVER be friends with one of my exes. I haven't talked to my first ex boyfriend since we broke up 2 years ago, and I never plan on it either. This most recent ex was my best friend, and we are extremely compatible personality-wise. I still feel like I could never be his friend though. I think I will always be attracted to him in some way, and that wouldn't be fair to whoever he was with.

I was just wondering what everyone else's opinion is on this. Are you friends with your exes? Is it ever appropriate?

Hi there,
It is incredibly painful. I was with my ex and totally understand what you say about his exes.
I believe your counsillor was right in what she said about your bf's immaturity and also his lack of respect for himself and you and the specialness of your relationship.
He might think he is innocent, but more often than not the ex has another motive or still has feelings for him and how can he be completely involved in your relationship when he is still partially invested in an old one.
I am pleased that you have moved on. Hang in there girl! Things will get so much better and you will meet a fella that does not need his exes in his life. Lol

[kaitou]

A month ago I'll be saying I want to stay friends with my ex too, but I realize it just won't be possible, until maybe some years down the road. Even though I acknowledged the fact that he moved on, and we can no longer be together. But, it's still painful to find out what he's up to in his life, because chances are he's happy without me.

At first I still wanted to show him that I care about him, that's why I want to remain friends. But if caring about him is going to end up hurting me, I don't think I can handle it. Aside from that he doesn't seem like he wants to keep our friendship either. It'll probably be awkward for the both of us. I just don't think you can be friends with someone, that you're still grieving over for losing.

I think the most I'll do to stay in contact is wishing him happy birthday via email. And that's it.

[valinors_sorrow]

But if caring about him is gonna end up hurting me, i dont think i can handle it.

WOW!

WOW AGAIN EVEN!

There it is--- the quiet, unassuming, almost elusive, truthful, self-caring, mature and very wise answer to the question about being friends with an ex,. proving without doubt that to make appropriate decisions concerning self, it is essential to know thyself first.

Thank you Kaitou for that jewel!

[talaniman]

I think the most I'll do to stay in contact is wishing him happy birthday via email. And that's it.

Even that is too much, but I understand giving up hope is hard. Time will give you more clarity.

[rol]

Yeah as Tal says time helps you see clearly..
Here am I to prove it , one week after our breakup I was on the verge of sending a mail to say lets be friends, but thanks to tal, Skell, Val and Geoff, I did not, and boy how glad I am today... Thanks again to all of you for saving me from that situation!!
Time really changes how you feel... plus they need to feel the void from their lives.

Little by little I'm changing my mind about being friends with him, even though he was the most lovely, intelligent guy who I believe is my soul mate... but well friends would not work,and why give him the benefit of that really..

I did stay good friends with one ex, well we just dated about 2 months.
And I respond to contact from my first boyfriend when he mails.

[daisydew]

I still haven't talked to my ex, and I really never plan on it. Plus, he doesn't need me now.. he fell out of love with me in 2 weeks and is happy with his new GF. Freaking crazy guy if you ask me.

Sometimes I wonder if he is ever going to try to contact me... I don't know what I'd do. I feel like I'm always going to be emotionally and physically attracted to him, so it would be in my best interest to NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN.

I hate that I still miss him.

[Teaching]

This is a tough question, I feel "say hello", being civil is important. I think there are a lot of people whose feelings would have to be considered and more importantly "your own intentions of being friends". I think it is important to protect yourself so that you always move forward.

I a fairytale world "it would be wonderful if we all could "rise above things and be friends".

[valinors_sorrow]

I still haven't talked to my ex, and I really never plan on it. Plus, he doesn't need me now..he fell out of love with me in 2 weeks and is happy with his new GF. Freaking crazy guy if you ask me.

Sometimes I wonder if he is ever going to try to contact me...I don't know what I'd do. I feel like I'm always going to be emotionally and physically attracted to him, so it would be in my best interest to NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN.

I hate that I still miss him.

I think those emotional and physical attractions can and do change over time. I found an interesting phenomena Daisydew: those who I have ever loved, I continue to love. It isn't the love that died, but the trust. Sometimes the attraction part died along with the trust (because of all the crap they pulled) and the love somehow turned into something more like what I would feel for, say, my brother or a cousin -- strictly platonic. In other situations the attraction remained but I really did learn to not act on it (because of the lack of trust) and in some cases, not reveal it too (although I tend to be fairly transparent in my feelings about others so that one was a bit tougher). It may be that I still find the jerk hot, but finding him out as a hot jerk changes things, or can if you let it. I hope those are some things you'll consider.

[Wildcat21]

Great stuff Val.

People take trust for granted - until the perso nthey love has had enough and is gone.

Also - it's the old "I love you, but i am not in love with you deal"

[talaniman]

Just me, but Why I never went back to an ex, because as cute as they were, or fun as it was, or how close we were, after you find out about the other BS, who wants a repeat of that, and that's just what you'll get so, remember the BS you go thru as well as how cute the butt was.

[buckeyes01]

I am in a similar situation. He still would like to be friends and talk on the phone and everything but it is hard for the me (the heartbroken one). I know that he won't be dating any time soon because his schedule doesn't really allow it. I say as long as he is still single call if you need to talk; however get out of there if he is trying to date again. My ex wants his cake and eat it too! Tough call!

[daisydew]

Let me start by saying I HATE myspace. Even though profiles are blocked, you can still see their default picture. I have this bad habit of checking up on my ex and his new GF on there. Nothing ever really changes... until today. She posted a picture of him and her cuddling in the sun. It kind of made my heart drop, but it also showed me the progress I've made.

First of all, I didn't start crying. That's a HUGE step for me! :p

Second, she really isn't that cute! :) It's weird, she has all the features he told me he DOESN'T like in a girl. She looks completely opposite of me.

Third, he doesn't really look that happy in the picture.

Fourth, he's not as good looking as I remember!

So maybe I overanalyzed a little bit, but I'm glad I can kind of laugh about it now. I've realized how badly he treated me, while somehow convincing me that he was the best thing that ever happened to me.

A little part of me hopes that this girl is a rebound. (since he was still telling me he loved me less than 3 weeks before they hooked up) I don't know why... I just don't want him to be happy right now. That kind of makes me sound like a bad person, but he put me through so much and I'm jealous that he just moved on and was automatically happy again. So even if it makes me a bad person, I hope she breaks his heart like he broke mine!

Just one last thing. I'm the type of person that doesn't do well when I know people don't like me, or think I did something wrong. I KNOW he thinks that I'm a bad person and treated him badly during our relationship. He warped everything around in his head; in reality I would have done ANYTHING for him. How do I let go of the anxiety that comes along with him not liking me? I mean I really shouldn't care what he thinks of me... I just hate knowing that he thinks everything is my fault.

Thanks for listening : )