[Lostsoul]

My situation is more complicated then I like to admit. I have been with a man for seven years and friends with his wife at the same time.

I am 27 now and I have no idea how to live my life without him or her. She doesn't know and him and I have secretly lived our life and I am saddend because this is unlike me. I would've never thought of myself in a situation like this. I have a good heart but fell in love with a man that is technically not mine.

He left his wife for me and then all we did was fight. Our relationship got worse. He moved her away and we lived together. I love to be around him but I always wonder what it is about him that makes me want to be with him and allow him to control me and make me feel bad for wanting to be with someone else.

I have tried to get help. I have been to a therapist and I never walk away - I allow myself to find reasons or try to understand that what we are doing is OK and that he does love me.

Like all other men, he too says that he went back because of the girls. Yet - as soon as he goes back he continues his life like he never left. He things that Im sorry fixes everything and he has an excuse for everything.

The hardest part for me is I know all of this - I know that it isn't right and I know I am worth so much more - the hardest part is walking away and not living in regret or missing both of my best friends for a decision that I made when I was so young and all Idid was grow more in love with him and now it hurts so bad to not think of a day without him.

I am lost and I am just searching for something to give me strength - I try to realize the truth and face the fact that he is not mine and never will be.. but I just wish I knew how to make the initial step of walking away and not looking back.

He is living with me again right now... his wife and children are moved away until their lease is up and then they will move back - but that is not for 8 more months - he thinks we should just live together and live life --- weekends he will visit them but he tells me not to be sad because he will be back and its not like he is leaving forever

I am just hurt and confused and I don't know what to do anymore. A day and half has passed and he hasn't called since he left to go visit - I love to be loved and I am a hopeless romantic who just wants to be adored for the way I am and someone to share a life with - but first I need to be alone to learn to love myself but I don't know how.. and I am lost...

Any supportive help would be apprecaitive - I already know what I was involved in was typical -I need help on how to change and better my life... :confused:

[SouthernBelle06]

I'm sorry, but you are throwing your life away staying in this mess. It will probably take a severely broken heart, which will happen sooner or later to you, for you to get out of it. Sometimes we have to learn the hard way. I speak from experience here. I was involved in a situation like this once. Granted the man I was involved with wasn't married, but he had two children with an ex and was going back and forth between us and playing us both. He always used the "I can't leave my kids, but I love you" excuse to get away with whatever he wanted and hurt us both. I wised up and got out of that mess thank God. I saw what a low life he was and knew I could do better or would even prefer being temporarily alone than deal with that kind of pain.

You say his wife is your friend, but I'm sorry, I disagree. Call it as innocent as you like, but if the two of you were friends, you would know that her husband is 100 % off limits. I would never dream in a million years to have an affair with any of my friend's husbands. I don't mean to judge you harshly or kick you when you are feeling down, but perhaps you need to seek a different therapist if the previous one didn't help you. You have low self esteem issues or you wouldn't settle for so little. Stop wasting your life and letting this man get away with murder. If he's unhappy in his marriage, but can't leave the kids, (which no doubt is his excuse), let him get a divorce and work out custody. He's an adult. Let him fix his own problems without screwing up everyone else's lives. Tell him to learn the meaning of the word "integrity".

You need to cut off all contact with both of them for good. You'll miss them, but you'll get over it in time. You need to find some interests to fill your life. Go back to school or take some interesting courses, get a new career, get some hobbies, join a gym, get some new friends, move to a new area... anything rather than seek happiness from a mess like this, because unless he divorces his wife and marries you, it's not there. And even then, suppose you do marry him eventually... would YOU trust him around YOUR friends? I don't think I would. I wouldn't want the guy back that I was involved with in this type of mess for anything. Yuk! I feel sorry for whatever unlucky girl who's life he is screwing up now.

[Wildcat21]

Don't EVER get involved with a guy until the divortce papers are signed and he has completely moved out AND MOVED ON. You got what you took.

[ForeverZero]

Here's the A to B to C logic you're looking for.

You're not happy now.
He won't ever change.
You won't ever be happy with him.

Instead of associating your happiness with him, realize he's also your sadness.

[Fr_Chuck]

Ok, it is over, you can't change it, you can either dwell on it, or move on.

Get invovled in other activities, groups, help with something, if you are not involved in a religion of your choice, if you have one get invovled.

[shygrneyzs]

Sorry I cannot be supportive of the mess you have made of your life. You did it freely too, no one held a gun to your head and MADE you have an affair with your friend's husband. Nor did anyone make you stay.

You say the counselor/therapist you saw did not really help you - that is because the therapist is not the fixer upper in this. The therapist's objective is to make you see what you have been doing is critically unhealthy and to give you tools for change - but the therapist cannot make you change. You most likely walked away from the counseling session and went about your affair as if you never even digested what the therapist was saying.

You say you wish you knew how to walk away but cannot. Sorry, but that is like the alcoholic saying that his feet carried him into the bar and his hands made him drink that glass of beer. You can walk away. Cease all contact with this guy. Do not call him, do not be available for him, do not make him the center of your life. I would not continue the friendship with his wife either. How would balance the two? You could not, as you cannot now, you certainnly could not in the future, if you kept contact with your friend. If she really wants to know why, tell her. I would wager she knows something about your affair. Maybe not that it is you, but wives are not stupid. Maybe then she could get on with her life too. Leave the schmuck in the dirt. He will pick himself up and find another woman who will fall for his sob story.

Ask yourself if you really want someone who cheats on his wife. There is more than a 50% chance that he will cheat on you, if he does not already. This is a man with no honor, no dignity, no shame. Unfortunately, you do not have any of those qualities either.

But you can make a difference for yourself. Yes, you can. One step at a time. But a commitment to yourself to become emotionally healthy, make better choices, search for what is in your best interests and supports your best good. This guy you have - he does none of that for you. Ditch him. If you stay, you only have yourself to look at in the mirror and someday you will not recognize yourself.

So get out and get involved in other activities that are positive for you. Get back to a counselor and this time make a concerted effort to plot a course of success and stick to it. Maybe find a Bible study group that will meet some of your needs. There is one here for people who have developed emotional dependencies of various natures. Check things out. Good luck to you.

[talaniman]

You go on and on about how good he makes you feel, and then you say how miserable you are. Sorry listening to his crap is your fault. Being with your best friends(?) man is your fault. Not being able to leave him alone is your fault. So now that you want to go you can't again your fault. You have sought professional help and still you stay. I think your taking the easy way out by doing nothing. If you really wanted out, and change your life you would.

[desertbloom1]

You are only 27 years old. You are still quite young and still have a chance for a balanced normal life.

This is a terrible situation that you are in. It is only going to lead to worse heartbreak down the road if it hasn't disintegrated already. Nothing good will ever come of it, as hard as it may be to face. Deep within you know it's true. You must be strong and break away now, you must stir yourself and find it deep within you to do justice not only, to this woman and this man, and really society in general, but to yourself. When women do things like this it communicates to all people, men and women both that this is normal behavior. It is not.

You are going to have to endure the loneliness and the hurt for awhile, but it won't last as long as you might think, and you will be stronger in the end. I think the person that spoke before me was right, if you stay, this situation will wear you down, and one day you will wake up and not recognize yourself. Get out while you are still young and have a chance for a good life.

[s_cianci]

It sounds like you've realized your mistakes. I know you've spent a lot of years in this triangle and no doubt had hopes that things would turn out differently than they did. However, what's done is done. You need to get away now and build a new life for yourself. It'll be hard at first but you can console yourself by telling yourself that you're getting a fresh start. Move out and find an alternate living arrangement It may mean moving back home with your parents for a while or renting a room from a friend. Continue with your therapist. Make a new set of friends. If you're currently unemployed get yourself a job. Consider taking some classes to acquire a new skill. You've got to wipe the slate clean and start all over again. Whatever you do, stay away from this couple and anyone that you socialized with while you were with them.