[nickvc]

I have recently met a girl who I am really into, actually the 1st person in years that I've met that I can see a long and happy future together with, even marry and start a family. We get along really well, have the same interests, work in the same field, we are a perfect match and are so happy when we're together. The problem is she is engaged to her current boyfriend and the wedding is planned for very soon. The boyfriend is insanely jealous, a complete control freak and monitors her every movement even tracking her mobile phone by GPS to see where she is, has passwords to all her email and messaging accounts. She is supposed to marry him and move to live with him in his home country which she doesn't want to do, He no longer hugs or cuddles her they haven't had sex for months apparently. Recently after weeks of just being together and bonding, we finally made love to each other and it was better than we both thought, wonderful and has brought us even closer together. She said she loved me and wants to be with me but just give her time to end it with her boyfriend as they have been together for two years and she will have to do it gradually. After a wonderful day together she said she has to go tome and tell him, his parents and her parents that the wedding must be postponed. She called as she was arriving home and said "see you tomorrow babe, don't worry I don't want to stay with him anymore. That was rwo days ago now and she hasn't answered my calls, texts or anything.. I am going crazy sitting here not knowing what to do, what is happening or if she is OK.

My heart is really set on this girl and I don't want to lose her. My friends say to just wait, she's probably having to deal with all sorts of stuff etc etc but I can't undrstand why there's been no contact for so long.

So worried and frustrated at the moment.

Any advise or support very much appreciated

[Cat1864]

You need to back up and look at what you have and are doing. You appear so caught up in what you want to feel that you are ignoring the bigger picture.

Apparently he has reason to be concerned, controlling and suspicious. She is cheating on him with you and has been even before you had sex with her. How many other men like you has she played with in the past? It is a red flag for you that she is talking about postponing the wedding instead of breaking it off and getting out of the relationship.

How do you know any details about her relationship with him?

It sounds to me like you have allowed yourself to fall for someone who needs to learn what she wants and needs to be on her own to do it. IF she were truly unhappy with her upcoming marriage, then she could have broken it off before she met you. She didn't. At best, she waited until she had someone to play with before making any moves to get out of marrying him. That speaks volumes about the type of woman she really is. Do not allow your 'feelings' to blind you to the reality of her actions.

IF she breaks off her wedding, etc. she will need time on her own to heal and get rid of the baggage from the past relationship. IF she jumps from that relationship into one with you, you risk being part of a cycle where she decides the relationship isn't what she wants and finds someone new to play with. There is also a greater risk that you will become what she says her fiancé is-a controlling monster-because she was unfaithful with you why wouldn't she be unfaithful to you.

[nickvc]

She knows that she is cheating and doesn't feel good about this at all and has been having doubts about the upcoming marriage way before she met me but is so caing and kind, she puts everyone else's feelings 1st not her own and doesn't know how to break it off with him... I am the only guy she has been seeing.. The main reason she planned to marry was pressure from her family so that's why I convinced her to re evaluate her relationship and the reason for marrying him. Even if it doesn't work out with me and her, she shouldn't marry this guy for exaclty the reasons you state... Him and the family want her to marry this guy and she has gone along with it until she met me. She is constantly feeling guilty and trapped and feels she is being forced into something to make her family happy not her. So now she has realised that it would be wrong to marry this guy and its best for everyone to end this ASAP. She is a very sweet and caring person and cares about him a lot but not as a husband. She has been manipulated by this guy I think and its not fair on her, on him or on me I know that. I've seen the way he treats her and he doesn't crae about her feelings at all. Just another case of western guy getting a pretty asian girl to marry him and then treating her like a possession not a person... He has always been true and honest with her but she doesn't feel really really loved by him... sometimes people just aren't meant to be together. Why do people cheat? Because there is something lacking in the relationship surely, no? She really wants to get married to the right giuy and have children. That's all she wants now. The reason I know how he treats her and talks to her is I have seen the emails and messages he sends her and also heard the way he talks to her when they talk on the phone. I am soory but she deserves better than this and he needs to find someone more subserviant than she.is.

[Jessicacn]

She does something wrong or just fool of you. She is playing. If you move on, I do not know maybe she will go back to you because she thinks you are so cool... Be attractive and cold, let her do the rest.
My advice is if she would marry you. DO NOT MARRY HER. She do not understand what is promise, responsibility, compromise, and real life. Maybe she is a spoiled stupid girl like to sleep around and find somebody follow her. If you stay cool, she probably will contact you even after marrying somebody.

So, enjoy!

[Aleeravilu]

That's called acting. You should try it sometimes. It's fun.
Hah, do not fall for it. A lot of people when you're cheating with them appear to be absolutely sweet and nice and caring. They're fooling with your head. And if she cares about his feelings That much she would never have cheated with you.
Why do people cheat?
Because they're selfish and want to have more fun than they're supposed to. If they're not happy with the relationship, they will just break it off! Not go cheating on someone else. That's way they're making both sides miserable. If your loving girl can't see that she's not worth it

[nickvc]

Ok , here's an update as to the situation that I hope someone can help us with... after seeing my girl last week she told me that she wants to break off the engagement and cancel the edding altogether and be with me... However I have since been told by her that she is very scared of her fiancé as he is telling her if he finds out she has been cheating on her he will kill her! I am so worried about her now as I can't call her or contact her because the fiancé doesn't let her out of her sight... And to make things even worse he tied her up for 7 hours a few days ago so he could go out and said that if she tries to escape he will track her down and kill her... she is so scared of him she doesn't know what to do... I said call the police and get him removed or just pack a bag and run but she is too scared to do this also... she wants him to go home to his home country for xmas and make excuses as to why she can't go and then once he is gone cut all ties with him completely and disappear until things blow over and possibly get a court order or whatever... she tells me that he has shown her his true personality over the last week and he is a complete Phsyco and is so very very afraid of him she can't move... I am know so worried about her and am at my wits end as to how I can get her away from this maniac... I don't know where she stays because he has forced her to move apartments and the only contact I have is her phone which he monitors day and night and she has begged me not to call her anymore, afraid that he will find out and do something violent or much worse to her... what can I do except wait! Its driving me nuts as I feel so helpless to do anything

Any guidance or support on this horrendous situation at all greatly appreciaited

[Cat1864]

If you are truly concerned about her safety, go to the police and tell them everything. Give them her last known address and let them track her down and make certain she is okay. Give them copies of any emails, etc. that you have kept.

She may end up thanking you or you may find out things you really didn't want to know. Either way it should bring resolution to part of the issues.

[I wish]

It's definitely time to get the police involved. You've done your part in giving her the best suggestions, now it's up to her to make a move.

You've obviously in a very frustrating situation as you want to help, but you can't do much. But here's what you can do, continue to be patient, continue to be supportive of whatever decision she makes.

Focus on giving her positive suggestions, but don't force or pressure her to do anything. Let her know that you've available if she needs help and that you would support whatever decision she makes.

Also continue to be patient. It takes time to bow out of such a complicated situation, so give it some more time.

[Devorameira]

You've really got yourself in an ugly mess.

Is it possible that she's telling you that as an excuse to spend the holidays with him? IF you think she's telling you the truth about his behavior, then you need to get the police involved ASAP.

I can't understand, if he was that controlling, how did she find time to spend with you and sleep with you?

[Jake2008]

Regardless of your feelings for her, you have an obligation to call the police, and tell them what you have said here.

If what she says is true, her life could very well be in danger. It is one thing for a person to be aware that another's fiance/husband/boyfriend is controlling and jealous, but, when threats of death, and actually tying a person up so they cannot escape their captor, well, that is something entirely different.

There ARE men who DO kill their wives/girlfriends/fiance's, and carry out their threats, and mean what they say. If this situation is anywhere near the truth, you are obligated, at least morally, to contact the authorities, her family, friends, anybody within earshot, and get help for her.

She could very well be unable to help herself, because she believes him to be capable of murdering her.

Everything else can wait, for now, you have to do the right thing, and let the authorities do their job.

[nickvc]

Yesterday she managed to convince him to let her out of the apartment so she could go and get her hair done... she called ma and said she was coming to see me afterwards... an hour later she calls again sayng he was following her in his car and decided to postpone the escape, afraid for my safety if he knew where I lived and will try to get her passport, cards, clothes together... what do I do now? Haven't slept all night... worried sick about her... desperate and feeling hopeless

[Alty]

Have you called the police yet? Have you told them what's going on?

What he's doing (if she's being truthful) is against the law. She doesn't have to escape, she just has to call the police and tell them that she's being held captive.

[nickvc]

She had a day job and took time off work to see me... we also met for luch several times near her worplace

I want go and make a police report. However Thailand doesn't have the same support and level of assistance available in the West! Also there is the risk that he could bribe the police to turn a blind eye.Thats also a big concern of mine.. I don't know!

[Jake2008]

So you are both in Thailand then? Are you a resident of Thailand yourself? Where is her Fiance's home country.

I'm beginning to think scam here. Is it possible that in the short time that you have known her, that she is setting you up? You really only know what she has told you, which is quite a story if its true. Do you know where she works? Who some of her friends are? Anything that can verify anything that she has said?

Please consider the possibility that she may not be who she says she is, and this could be all staged in order to extort money from you. Is that possible?

What do you really know about her in the short time you've known her.

[nickvc]

Been here 5 years, She is from wealthy family and has her own money. I know where she works and have met her colleagues, She has no reason to scam me. He is Swedish. I'll go to the police today.as I can't take much more of this stress and uncertainty

[Jake2008]

Good. Time for action. Good luck.

[Cat1864]

There isn't anything you can do other than contacting the 'proper authorities'. Everything else is up to her.

There are places where abused women can go even in Thailand. Perhaps contacting one of the women's rights groups could help give you better information on what you and she can do.

It may seem harsh to you, but in reality she has to be the one who wants to get out of the relationship. One of the universal truths is that abused women will stay with or go back to their abuser until they finally have enough (one hopes that point is reached before physical injury occurs) and take control of their own lives.

I hope she makes that decision.

Good luck.

[nickvc]

I know you are right about this... I've done all I can. I think I will give her ultimatum to take proper action( with all my help of course) to get away from him or forget about me... I don't deserve the misery I am going through especially at Xmas