[Daniela73]

Hi,

Me and my boyfriend moved together 6 mnths after meeting each other ( two months after becoming "exclusive"). He is a businessman and makes good money, I am a school teacher and earn 1/3 of his monthly income. When I moved in he said I would pay him 500$, (the same I was paying for a room in a flat I shared with 3 others). Sometimes he asks me to pay part of the electricity bill or some gasoline.
He is the most loving boyfriend I´ve met and we really love each other. However we argue often about money. We used to fight because he used to tell me that he provides me with comfort and a good life. That I lived in a room and now I live in a nice apartment in one of the best parts of the city, and that I pay very little for the living standard. He has stopped saying that since I wanted to move out.
When we go out he use to pay, but we never go out to expensive places. If we travel, he will pay 60% of the trip and I will pay 40%. He use to get a lot of free stuff like cell phones, TV, cd, DVD etc. and he usually gets for me cd´s or DVD´s I like. The thing is, while he actually gives me some gifts, they will most of the times be things he gots for free or things that don´t cost too much. He says that he doesn´t want to use a lot of money in a woman. On the other hand he buys himself a lot of stuff, and he says to me "oh, I have so many things, I don´t know what I´m gonna do with all this stuff!" and I feel bad because I can not buy whatever I want. Sometimes I have to save or use my credic card in order to buy things I need. I think he could be more generous, but I don´t know if I am expecting too much.

[pandead]

You know what they say about "the thought that counts."
I don't think you're expecting too much, but only up to a certain point.

You don't want a car or expensive jewellery. You just want "the thought." I understand this part. If he offered you something he chose especially for you in a store and bought himself instead of giving you things he happened to have (for free or not) it would mean much more, no matter the price.

The part I don't understand is "Sometimes I have to save or use my credit card in order to buy things I need." Are you expecting him to pay for EVERYTHING you need? OR would you be comfortable if he paid for everything? That sounds a little too selfish to me. You're not married, and even then it would be unfair.

We all have our priorities when it comes to money and he doesn't seem to have you (or women in general) in the top 5. It can be very frustrating but unfortunately, it's a little too late to change the way he is. Either you put up with it, or start saving for the pleasure of buying something with your own hard earned money when you need.

[Daniela73]

Thank you very much for your answer Pandead. Let me give you an example to illustrate what I meant by that sentence: He recently got a big amount of money from the insurance company. He said to me that he could buy something for me, and I said that I needed a couple sports bra. Since he was travelling abroad he said he would be able to get it cheaper. Then he said to me to check out the sports shop's webpage and write down what I wanted. For me it was difficult to choose so I just said: "bring me something nice, you know a t-shirt or something" But he insistet that I write specifically what I needed, then I wrote a list of 5-6 things. When I handed out the list to him he said: "you are going to pay for this", and I felt cheated so we fought. He says that he just meant to buy me a bra, and that he is very kind for doing that, and that he is making me a favour by buying for me the other stuff, since I will be saving money. Anyway, when he came back he had bought me the bra (I said I didn't want anything when we fought) and he had bought himself many sports clothes for very little money. I think he could have bought me some other things that he knows I need and use just 100$ which is very little for him. The bra costed 15$.
I just would like him to be more generous. I hear about other boyfriends that earn much less than him but give their girlfriends nicer/ more expensive gifts. So I think sometimes that although he says he loves me, I am not worth that much for him.

[Jake2008]

You aren't married to him. Neither of you have a shared account to cover family expenses, joint loans, car payments, motgages etc. When you are married, the flow of money, is used for the benefit and to cover the expenses of living a life together. Two people, married, with one budget.

You are a girlfriend, who has agreed to the boundaries, the financial expectations particularly, of the relationship. He's pretty clear about what he will cover and what he won't. While you are officially a couple, you are not a married couple. You are boyfriend, and girlfriend, and if I read this right, only exclusive to each other in a new relationship, for only two of the months you've known him.

Because he makes more money than you do, and chooses how to spend it, is really none of your business frankly. That you expect him to provide and pay for more for you, and even, I gather, to the point of arguing about it, will likley only steele his resolve not to get in so deep financially, that he looses his own financial security. It is up to him how secure and segregated he chooses his finances to be.

Even if you did pool your money together, you would still come up short, and he would be picking up and balancing out the difference. That does not seem fair to me. Why should he be generous with his money, toward you, simply because he has more than you do.

If you were to have one room mate in the same apartment, would your rent be affordable on your own? Including splitting all the expenses of water, cable, electric, etc? If you can't afford to split equally the rent with a person other than him, in the same place, then what are you complaining about if he's already picking up, of what should be your share, himself. Why do you expect more, at this stage of the game.

I don't mean to sound harsh here, but from the outside looking in, from what you have said so far, and with this relationship being so new, I think you are assuming you are entitled to monetary things, that you are not entitled to. Should the relationship develop to a point where the future will involve being married, sharing expenses (no matter who brings in how much) and all the other financial obligations that the two of you decide upon together, that is a different matter entirely in my opinion.

If it makes you uncomfortable that he spends more of his own money on himself, than he does on you, I would personally keep silent about it. It is not necessarily a reflection on him being stingy, or cheap, but rather, it is a man in a new relationship, setting very clearly the fact that his money is his money, and your money is your money, and the minimum requirements to live there, are what you already have accepted. Did you expect him to change after you moved in?

I'm not sure what to tell you other than, if you are uncomfortable with the way things are, and you do not see a future with him, and see him at this point, as being selfish and self centered, keep your independence, as he is firmly keeping his, and see if he doesn't change along with more commitment, further down the road.

I think it's too soon to assume anything.

[Daniela73]

Thank you very much for your answer Jake. I found it vary enlightning. The fact is, I´ve been married before and we had a shared economy. While now I am just living together with my boyfriend, I find my life very similar to a married life, except for the finances.
We have been living together for 2 years now. I must admit he is a little bit more giving now. Maybe my problem is that I compare him to my ex, or to my friends boyfriends who are more generous.
About marriage and kids: he is almost 40 and he says he doesn't want to get married and does't know if he wants to have kids. He says he is afraid to get stucked with the wrong girl.

[Jake2008]

Maybe it's time for you to assess more than the finances.

It is different being married to someone, as opposed to being boyfriend/girlfriend, living together and sharing expenses, and most things to do with money. It works both ways too, if you made more than he did, and decided to finance a new car- he would have no reason, nor would you expect him to pay have the car note every month. But, being married, both of you would decide and agree to all aspects of buying and financing a car, because it is a joint responsibility, and a joint liability.

He seems to have the best of both worlds right now. It costs him little, and he can afford, to subsidise the rent to a reasonable amount for you, so that you can afford to live there. This is a good deal, and probably cheaper for him, rather than see you maintaining your own place on your own income, and him having to pay in other ways- gifts, going out, etc. because he knows you couldn't afford to pay equally with your salary. In other words, it is maybe cheaper to pay a bit extra in rent for you, than to pay in other ways. Another benefit to him is, while you are there, he has all the benefits of a live in girlfriend, without any serious commitments. He could have you leave at any time he decides that the relationship is not working for him, and there would be nothing gained or lost to him, or to you for that matter.

With him being 40 and after two years of no serious commitment, i.e. marriage, or planning for marriage in the future and staying his ground over being unsure about having children, well, his biological clock is running too. I'd say that if he's not able to fully commit to you after two years, or at least be heading in that direction, it is unlikely that he will think marriage and a family, anytime soon.

It may be time to serioulsy think if your needs are being met here. If what you do want, is a commitment, with a man who is also thinking long term, and marriage, and children, maybe he is not the one.

[Daniela73]

Hi,

So I´ve taken the desition to move out from my boyfriends apartment. We both love each other and we keep crying at the fact that things don´t work out between us. I´ve put my cards on the table: he has commitment issues and doesn´t see himself married or with children in the future, while I do want to have a family. I´ve been living at his place for the last two years and I still feel like a guest: the last fight was because I ate his chocolate. I´ve said to him that I don´t want to live in a relationship where his things and my things should not mix. Besides he earns much more than me and has everything: house, car, boat etc. So I don´t have a chance, I mean, we can not buy things together cause he already has everything, and if he is to buy a new apartment it should be bigger and the price will be way too much for my teachers salary.
Anyway, after all the talk, the crying, the "I love you" and "why" from both sides, I´ve hint him that we can still make things work if he is willing to give more of himself to the relationship. But I don´t get any reaction. He just cries and blames himself for everything. This is awfully painful, and I don´t want to leave but I can not continue living as a guest in his house with no future perspectives. Any thoughts?

[Wondergirl]

First thought: Have you tried couples counseling?

[Daniela73]

No:-(

[Wondergirl]

Second thought: Would he go with you to couples counseling?

[Daniela73]

I will ask him, but I have a feeling he won't because he thinks that one can be his own therapist by thinking positive etc. Beides, he wouldn´t like to spend money on it, that´s for sure. If therapy/ counceling is not the case, what can I do?

[Wondergirl]

Third thought: YOU go to counseling.

[talaniman]

I think your decision to leave is a good one just because your future expectations don't match, and may never, and there is not enough give and take to satisfy you or even resolve the issues you have so you can both enjoy what your doing.

Doesn't seem to be the same level of commitment, or understanding to even be a compatible fit for each other, so leaving is a great way to resolve this, because no couple can survive without working together.

[tricia.n]

My opinion, if he is cheap now, he will not change. He is 40. I think you are doing the right thing by leaving him, and moving on. Do you want to live the rest of your life with someone who treats you this way? It is not going to get any better. He sounds very disrespectful in my opinion. He does not sound like he values you enough to spend money on you. Walk away and don't look back. He is not worth any more of your time. Find someone who values you and shows it by their actions. And who is not afraid to spend some money on you.