[confusedgirl85]

This is a little complicated, but I will try to explain it best.
There are two men - A and B we will call them. This is my issue.

I met A about four years ago. He is the same age as me (25 now), and we got along great. At that time I was with a man that I had been dating for 6 years. About three months after I met A, I broke up with my current boyfriend. A and I were very good friends, but I didn't see him as anything else.
A year later, B came along. At the time, I was dating a new guy. I saw something in B almost right away. I felt drawn to him. However, I was 4 years his senior and the idea of that made me stop, besides the fact I was with someone.

I broke up with my boyfriend a few months later. This is when B and I became very close, and my feelings were him were getting stronger. Eventually, we started dating.

Now, he is absolutely PERFECT. I fear he is too good to be true, I feel I have found my soul mate. I could not think of living without him, we compliment each other perfectly, and we are like best friends. We have never really argued, because we enter conflicts with open minds and work it out before it gets bad.

Throughout all of this, A has continued to become a good friend of mine. A and B became friends with each other, but during an argument last year involving myself and A (who later admitted he did it because he was jealous), made them distant. They still talk from time to time.

Anyway, A has admitted openly that he wishes I went for him instead of B. I know he is bitter about it, and he is worse lately because B and I are moving in together soon.
I am a very open person, and I talk about my sexuality (only when queried on it). A and I used to have random sexual conversations before I was dating B, but I toned it down since dating him.

Lately he has been trying to have these conversations with me. He has also tried to get very, very close. And I'm starting to feel a slight tug. I was actually almost tempted to go over to his house the one night when he invited me, knowing full well he would have tried to start something (he admitted it later). I'm unsure if I would have stopped myself.

A few days after that incident, A and I were talking once more. I know he was trying to push me, and his discussion got me turned on. Then it hit me what was happening and I stopped our discussion and pretty much had an emotional breakdown. I didn't know why I was feeling this way when I am absolutely in LOVE with B. I told A I didn't want to talk to him, and told B about everything. He was extremely understanding on the matter, which surprised the heck out of me.

The idea of being with A makes me sick to the stomach because I know I would lose B. But these feelings persist. I have since begun talking to A again, with the agreement that we would keep it toned down and be like regular friends. B is okay with this idea.

So what the heck is going on?

[confusedgirl85]

I can't find an edit button, but I do want to add that it's almost like I want to have a 'fling', but go back to B with no consequences. Is this desire normal?

[Wondergirl]

I think you should stay away from both A and B for, say, at least a year in order to figure out who YOU are. And meanwhile, no C, D, or E either.

[confusedgirl85]

I reaallly don't think I will be doing that. B and I have been together for a few years now and as mentioned, we are pretty much perfect together for now. I'm mainly debating just cutting A out of the equation.

[Wondergirl]

You would be smart to cut out A. Permanently and completely.

[kp2171]

I think its abosultely normal to desire a person you cannot be with.

And I qualify "cannot" by saying you cannot be with him and be with your partner.

There are so, so many things in life that are easier to deal with when you expect it. Accept it. And deal with it.

I absolutely accept that my ex will, from time to time, get to me. I find her attractive. She just flat out gets to me. Always will. Its OK. So when that moment hits when I'm really driven to make a move and see what plays out... I recognize it, accept it, and work through it.

Stop resisting the fact that you are attracted to this man. There's several billion people on this earth. You are likely attracted to hundreds, even thousands of other men as much... you just haven't met them. Most you never will.

...

Look. It is OK to wonder if your relationship is right. Your man could be all that... great to you, good for you, etc. that doesn't mean he is the man you will spend your life with. I have at least one Big Love Lost... where she and I were absolutely great together. But timing ultimately was off. I was older and ready to settle. She wasn't.

So... issue one is whether you are ready to be with the "perfect" man you are with. And fear of losing him is not a reason to stay. You might love him, but not be ready to commit to a lifetime with him.

And your wondering about the other man... makes me think maybe this is the case. And I don't judge one way or another. Maybe you are just playing with fantasy. Maybe you are using the second man as an excuse.

Usually when I've been in trouble is when I rely solely on my feelings. My beliefs should drive my actions, not my feelings. Feelings come and go, mislead and abandon you.

Your "soulmate" might be perfect for you... but perfect for a you that isn't here yet. Its possible you just aren't ready and the desire to explore is just too great.

Or maybe you are just indulging with fantasy.

Whatever you do, own it. Don't be a victim of anything or anyone. Choose your move and jump.