[missk]

I have always believed my neighbor did something to me, but I don't know for sure. I only have a few flashbacks of scenes in my head, that have been there since I was young. I don't know if I should go into detail about them or not, I mean I don't mind writing about it, but don't know if I should. I was at this neighbor's house ALL the time. I only went inside the house a few times that I remember. I was always outside playing. My neighbor was always outside working on something. We lived there for a long time... 10 or so years, so I grew up there. I have always wondered if they way I am now is because of something he did then. For the last week or so I have those same scenes in my head, but this time it makes me cry for no reason. I don't know why this is. I can't really afford therapy right now and don't know if I really want therapy. I'm just wondering if there is possibly a way for me to remember more or if there is a way to make myself remember. I just want to know everything and get this crap out of my system. I do remember having a conversation when I was 10 to my friends in the neighborhood and I remember telling them that he did things to me, but that is all I remember telling them.
Is it possible that I am making all of this up in my head and that is why I can't remember? If so, why would I make this up?
I can give more details if that is needed to help answer my question. This neighbor is a respected man, goes to church, served in the army, etc. He is a likeable person of course etc, etc.

[talaniman]

I would get a professional to guide me through such a delicate and complex process to get to the truth. Can your family physician refer you to someone?

[missk]

I suppose I could. Maybe I should just let my brain remember what it wants, instead of trying to force it. I'm not sure if I want to go there. Just think it's weird how the scenes pop into my head at random times. Thanks for your reply.

[Wondergirl]

I know you said you want to avoid therapy, for monetary reasons as well as personal, but I truly believe therapy is where you will finally find peace.

I'm a counselor, and I wish I had a dollar for every time a client told me he or she was so glad they finally came in to talk with someone. Just the talking itself, to an unbiased person, was a relief.

Most county human services departments and even private agencies have a sliding scale and will work out a fee based on what you can pay. I hope you will avail yourself of counseling services. These elusive memories are holding you back from enjoying life.

[Wondergirl]

Meanwhile, until you decide to find a therapist, I suggest you begin journaling your childhood. Write about anything and everything as it comes to mind. Don't edit yourself as you write or go back to edit what you wrote. Just let it flow. And put down your feelings as much as you remember them.

For instance, next door to me in NC were two brothers, one of whom was a fat bully who would push my trike into the ditch every time I got off it and ran around in my yard to swing or play with the bully's younger brother who was my age. This made me so angry! The bully even tried to cut down our brick house with a pair of school scissors! I was furious and ran into the house to tell my mother! And in NC summers, we little girls wore dresses most of the time back then (when rocks were still cooling). During the hot summers, the post-WWII nylon fabric stuck to our sweaty bodies like Saran Wrap. Ewwwwww! I could write about when the stray dog bit my little brother in the mouth, but you get my drift.

Write about anything and everything, and any memory you can recall -- and how you felt about it.

[Jake2008]

I agree with therapy.

It is something that has to be done, and I hope you find a way.

If your memories are in the realm of possibilities that abuse did happen, and, if you were to realize yourself after journaling for example, that more memories or clarity is coming forward, you will still need therapy to deal with these realizations.

It is no different than any childhood trauma that caused a major shift in your life, either at the time, or later on in life. Parents splitting up after a bad marriage for example, can leave residual effects on a person that the now, adult child, realizes, after they are married. Suddenly that little box of memories that had been stored somewhere in your brain are then re-opened, and examined. It isn't uncommon to remember even a few minutes in time, where the childhood fear of witnessing violence for example, seems suddenly as clear as though it happened yesterday.

And abuse is a traumatic event, that when left unresolved, can surface. But, it can just as easily be a possibility, but turns out to have no merit. The memory is fixed somewhere in the past, but without therapy to uncover the meaning and truth, you are only guessing. It takes a great deal of skill from a qualified professional, to sift through childhood memories, and help you find your way in understanding the meaning it has to you now, as an adult.

Not an easy fear to face, and I give you credit for thinking about options. But there really is only one, and that is therapy.

[eokhuijzen]

I too am a therapist. If you want to get to the bottom of this talking is going to be your best bet. Sometimes in the middle of sessions patients remember things just out of the blue. This may happen with you too. If you can not afford it call United Way at 211. They will off many programs and some are even free if you are approved. There are also plenty of programs that offer sliding scale fees. I'm sorry dear but the only way you are going to get through this is by talking.

[missk]

Thanks for all the advice. I didn't realize I had answers on here, as I wasn't getting notifications.