[bluegut]

Asalamu-Alaykum -

I hope and pray this email finds you in the best of health Shaykh, inshAllah. I was given you email address by the school. I have an issue in which I would like some Islamic Advice.

I am a female 32, divorced, no kids. Last year in Ramadan I was told about a potential proposal by my friend. We spoke on the phone, we discussed the issues that were pending but we talked through them. We were both OK with it. My mom and his mom spoke on the phone and 3 weeks later he came from NY to Chicago to meet me. We met and everything was OK, until my brother and mom met him. The issues my family had with him were:

1. His divorce was not finalized yet. The case was in court, and he was paying alimony which was to end soon.
2. His green card status was still pending because of the divorce.
3. It was a joint family structure
4. His education was from Pakistan, a B.A.

These points were the reason my family was against it and they said no. All of these points him and I discussed. So I was aware of it. He went back to NY and my family said no his family in a rather rude manner. Such things as your son is not good enough, and we are a family of high education, how will your son sit amongst us. Not a very nice way to end things with them. From the beginning him and I had an understanding that we will not go ahead with this marriage if the families are not for it, because we both value our families. Plus, since both of us were divorced, we had bad experiences before. Both of us had picked our own mates despite what our families opinions were, and it ended up bad, so we were extra careful.

However, him and I still kept contact. We thought maybe time would heal things. We came up with some ways to solve the problem. We would approach my family once again, when his divorce would be finalized and his green card status permanent. None of the family knew we were in contact, for what they know it was over. His family was looking for other proposals and so was mine. We did not tell them because it would only upset them. This lasted for a year.

Through this time, I have to admit, I was not appreciative as to what kind of person he was. I somewhat came under the influence that maybe I could do better like my family was stating. So I too would consider other proposals. I hate to say this, but he was the backup, in case I did not find anyone "better" then I would go to my family again. Another reason was I was just too afraid of hurting them again. Through the months he kept telling me to go to my parents and talk to them, because his family was aggressively looking and if they find one good proposal he will most likely have to go with their decision. I would say yes, I will give me time. Let some of your situations get cleared up, i.e. divorce and green card.

His divorced was finalized in June. He applied for his status in July. Alhamdullliah things were starting to look up. This past Ramadan once again, this first week he told me that his family was talking to a family very seriously. He had not spoken to the girl yet. I said OK, since it is in the beginning stages give, me time, let me pray to Allah (swt) about this in this blessed month and I will talk to my family. It just so happened, that things picked up so fast with this other family. In matter of weeks, both families started ot really like each other. They even found out they were related somehow back home.

Ali, went and talked to his family about me because now both of us were panicking. He told his mother anf father to reconsider, but they said no. They said no based on how they were treated the year before by my family. They told him he would not get the respect , etc. they said this new family is better suited for him, they are more like the family they themselves are. Similar backgrounds , etc... the mother told Ali, the girl has vales from back home. They don't have a problem with joint family structure etc... they are accepting him and his family and giving them respect etc. I went and talked to my family and my mom saw how much I was crying and said OK, not because she liked him or his family but because I was her daughter. However she still had concerns. My father said to me if I am OK and happy then they are too.

Ali called his cousin in Pakistan to have some person who does istikharas for marriage purposes. This man knows nothing about me or our situations. This man did istikhara and got back to us after 7 days, and said the marriage between Ali and I is not good, It will be filled with fights and hardships and it will not be successful. The istikhara was done for the other girl, and the man said, the marriage between them will be good and successful. I personally from the little knowledge that I know, do not consider a man in Pakistan, religious, to be a good source. However, at that point, in Ramadan, now towards the end of Ramadan it seemed as if things were not going good. Exactly a year ago, my family was saying no, and a year later his family was saying no. Istikhara was even coming out not right. His mom did istikahra and said it came out good for that girl as well.

In our last conversation on September 27, we decided since all of these things were against us, and this other proposal is going absolutely smoothly and his whole family was sold on it, that we would let it go. The day after I told my family no need to worry about things it is over. My dad saw how upset I was, he emailed ALi, to have his parents call my father. His mother called my dad, and she said this proposal is almost done. Its kismaat we all want the best for our kids etc. At this point Ali's family and the girls family had not met, because they live in San Francisco and Ali is in NY. They were planning on going to see the girls family sometime in October and if all goes well they were to get engaged. They spoke for about 5 or 7 minutes, my father had said well if things don't work out give us a call. That was it. It was a very decent and polite way of saying no.

The same day Ali and I had our last conversation, September 27, I started my istikhara. In fact I did it twice. It is now November 1. I have not contacted Ali and neither has he contacted me. I don't know if he is engaged, I am assuming it took place. They went to san Francisco and everything worked out.

I have realized many things. First me keeping contact with Ali, after the initial meeting was wrong. It made feelings grow which is now a punishment from Allah (swt) for having a non Islamic communication. I realized I did not appreciate him or who he was. I was selfish in thinking I could get better and how I didn't want o deal with joint family etc. In this time, from August to now, I have done a lot of soul searching and ibaadat. Aside from this, I am closer to Allah (swt).

I am content with Allah (swt)'s verdict. My questions are, did Allah (swt) take ALi away because it is a punishment for my sins and the lack of appreciation I had? As I mentioned I did do istikhara and it seems as if Allah (swt) gave his verdict, he took it away from me. Or is it because he see's a problem with in the future and is preventing a bad thing from happening? I ask because if it is the first scenario, is it permissible for me dua to Allah (swt) for Ali and forgive me for being selfish? Can one still ask Allah (swt) to grant him or her the thing even after the istikhara has taken it away? I am in a state of confusion. If Allah (swt) took it away from me for the purposes of preventing a bad thing then I Am 100% content with his verdict and will pray for Allah (swt) to send me a spouse who is better for me in this dunya and deen.

Another issue I have is doubts and heartbreak. I feel as if I was betrayed. How can Ali just go and get engaged this quick? How is it he has moved on so fast without even looking back once after a while year? It bothers me so much and it hurts so much. I feel as if I was such an insignificant part of his life. I understand we had a mutual agreement that if our families did not agree we will leave it. But I am so taken back that he has forgotten about me. Mind you we did not fight or have that many issues. Yes, there were things I did not like about him just as he did not like about me but nothing major. I sometimes think about how he is talking with her and planning a life with her now instead of me. In only a matter of 5 weeks.

Alhamdualliah, Allah (swt) has given me patience and sabr. I mostly spend my days, learning about islam, finding out ways to make my imaan stronger and Tawakul in Allah (swt) stringer. I do dhikr or reseacrh for articles and listen to lectures online. It has helped me significantly. This time has really helped me get back on track and I pray Allah (swt) keeps it this way not only in hard times but it good times as well. I never want to go back to the life before this. I have a long way to go and inshAllah with Allah (swt)'s guidance I will continue to expand my knowledge and deen.

I need help to clarify some of these confusions that I have. It seems as if there is still some type of hope inside of me of Ali. I listen to lectures, and they say don't give up. Have tawaakul in Allah (swt), ask and he will answer. He is merciful. Don't be hasty. I believe with all my heart and soul Allah(swt) is the greatest.

What should I do next? Give up or keep asking Allah (swt) to forgive me and grant me Ali as my husband with his Khair in it and make it easy, even though I did istikara and I haven't heard from him since. DO I give up and say dua for someone else? Please Shaykh I would very much appreciate any Islamic input or advice you may have for me, so that I can stop thinking about Ali and move on as he did with his life.

Salaam.

[talaniman]

Not sure if you are in the right place but my advice is,

Pray for forgiveness, and wisdom, and understanding for you, and him, and move forward in your life to make your future a happy one.